I have begun to see flaw after flaw in myself,
In my perception of things, in my ways, all my ways
I am threatened by threats, struck down by words,
Made weak by my own superficiality
I see lack and not enough-ness here and there
I don't even understand my own unhappiness.

In this home, there is no respect, no appreciation.
In this home, I have no voice and am not significant enough to produce change.
In this home, I am only someone who complains, not someone who gives her all as a daughter.
In this home, we are all blind to love.

There is no love here; only in my father's heart.
This does not feel like my home.
Christmas is in two days, but I dread Chinese New Year so much.
All of you who tell me I don't help out- I won't help out.
I am going to be a fat kid sitting there, watching you serve as if doing so will earn you a place in Heaven.

morning come soon

Sometimes I have no words
Because I am ashamed to be this way

This is not one of those times
My words are, I love you,
I wish you called me of your own accord,
And I wish you didn't go.

There are many first times that we will have
And if you are to leave me alone this time,
Without saying anything else to me or to hold my heart,

Then tonight will be our first night.
Sleep cannot serve as an excuse,
for the hours we are to spend being apart, being misunderstood,
Every breath I breathe will miss you baby.

And tomorrow will be our first morning.

I promise
I will never ever expect again.

My own hopes fail me

But then again, why wouldn't you call, why wouldn't you want to see me?
Didn't you call me beautiful
Isn't beautiful miss-able?
Aren't I miss-able?
No?

mmmm :)

Saizeriya and eggtarts and tossing in water was all so dreamlike, all so sweet.
The Kenman and I are going to make homemade burgers next week!
I can't wait. I will fry you the best beef patty ever.

Also, while I'm in FATKIDMODE, here's a list of food I have decided to conquer for the coming month:

- Tako pachi. shit la
- Ice creams
- All things fried and oily
- Pastries (except the cake that I'm going to share with Nida on Monday)
- Pasta :'(

My friends came over for my birthday dinner and we had Peperoni's XXL pizza! It was such a cosy night with zero alcohol and yes, I ain't lucky- I'm blessed. I was sober (but oh, who is ever sober around my babeh? GEEEEE.) Wish Josie had been there too though!

The tarts that Elsa (and Hana?) got for me. Loved the peach one the most!

We are very nice people

Mafia bosses. Spot the difference! (person at extreme left of the couch) Kenman had a bad tummy@.@

My fave picture. Spot the difference again. No reward.

Today marks the last day of the three intensive theatre rehearsals (in anticipation of "Women In Hamlet") we've had so far this December.
We've been working really hard on our blockings, getting into character, cutting down of lines and above all, understanding the script so we can get used to the language/memorize it all by January
This is so much more taxing than TSFO because it's a Shakespearean play.
Like, "Ho, Horatio!" and "A little more than kin, and less than kind" and "There's a fair thought to lie between maid's legs!"
But I will pull through because that's what we gotta do.

I knew December would be good. It always has been.
That is all.

Body

Body, believe you are whole
Believe in something magnificent

Body, you may fall apart
Like sticks that must be picked up carefully
To let somebody win

Body of pains, small to big
From first sensation to first kiss;
First love to first death

Body, live to see hope
Live to make things good
And then be blind again

Body, call me your own
So I can live.

My back hurts.

- end -

myob

i know people change real quick
but what if  they've been this way all along
it's not as if i knew them since they were little

i wonder:
must i always watch, must i always watch out
that's exactly my point- that it's not a must
but it's in my nature

but people are not mine
and i do not expect anyone to change for me
after all, i wouldn't change for anyone

i would've told me to fuck off.

I'm not sorry.

Sometimes I'm so angry I just want to get up and leave the lot of people who have hurt me, but I love them, so sometimes I want to be many things to them too. And this is one of those times. Sometimes I want to be a sister, a mother, for the longest time a lover but above all, may I be a friend? A friend who will never hurt and even if I do, without any bitter intention to. I am so careless with my actions, I know, but not my intentions especially when I set them solely on you. I know who I have hurt and I don't lay my head down on my pillow every night without the thoughts hitting the bed first. These thoughts are like raindrops that patter down and they patter down like a thousand little rocks. They try to stone me. So I try to sleep but I can only stare and ask the ceiling why you let me be, why you let things be, because I was so sincere and such a jealous little thing that I cried quite hard. If you thought you were a prize, well, I am too. When I cry now, though, it all feels different because now, I cry when I miss my lovely boy. I can't be happier knowing that you will make the effort to fight for me because none of them did, love. And even so, I had to fight to seek it out myself and they took my patience for granted. Just things lurking at the back of my head; this fury that I refuse to chase although my subconscious is elbowing me in the chest to resolve matters. I'm sorry I let the past get to me and this is the only thing I'm sorry for, nothing else. No, I am not sorry for anything else. (Of course I'm sorry I almost blinded you with the umbrella on our walk up!) My birthday was spent so nicely. I am always reassured whenever I re-read haiku you wrote for me and your eyes when you sleep. I just want your lashes hawhaw. The sequined pouch smells like you and I wonder if it is its natural smell because if it is, I am so lucky to carry you with me. I will keep that letter forever. I wasn't very excited for this birthday but you made it very nice. Effort goes such a long way, all the way to Cluny Court and back to Dover station again. Swear a thousand fireworks exploded in my heart when I read those words, I'm exaggerating I know, but it did feel like it. Dear God, give me patience and love for the harsh words people say to me and the strength to never lose to life. Help me adore the weak and the strong alike, and to love my body the way You made it to be. Grant me the answers to my burning questions so I may make my peace with you. I never want to be indifferent. Don't spit me out, it is not very nice. Amen

reign over me

I am eighteen and I am Yours.
I have walked with the spirit of shame.
And now it's gone, I can see that You've always been walking beside me, holding my heart all along when shame took hostage of it.
I remember Lifeng's prayer for me last year that shattered me inside.
She said that she saw no light but she saw Your staff guiding me.
And this is where all my faith is set upon.

The fact that no matter how far I've walked this journey of life, I am Yours.
And not sin's.

Did you know???
Things like that make me want to cut my breasts off.

high for this

I wonder if it's going to be another rainy day again.
I am wearing the wrong bra and the wrong feeling today.
I feel like breaking my feet and throwing all my clothes off and go running, stark naked into arms that I've always known.
Today I don't think I can take anything unkind anyone throws at me; I am almost too sure that I will bite back and not let go.
The house and my shoes were evil to me today because things went walking; things were everywhere and time was screaming at me.
But I'm going home tonight to say sorry for treating them so meanly and selfishly.
My wallet should not take the hurt either.
I don't know, I don't know, I'm just so tired but now I can smell you and I am happy all over again.
Life is so hurried and you slow me down.
So, so.

I think I miss my parents.
Last night I was walking and listening to Clean Up Your Eyes and as the music went on and on, I heard a ghostly manly voice call my name over and over again.
Which made me very paranoid about whether my Dad is okay overseas.
Dear papa and mama:
I dream of you two holding hands strolling down cobble-stoned streets without a care in the world but with all the care for each other. And know this is what it's like to be in love, this is what it's like to be on holiday and this is what it's like to be missing our daughter at home. "This is the life I've worked for to share with you:, "this is the man I love like my own father and he is my husband; he takes care of me", "she loves me, not my money, and I know it is real", "there is true love because there is you" and really, I know there is a forever and there is a God and there is true love because I look at you guys and it's all there.
This is where all my passion to love comes from, I could lay myself down and abandon it all to learn it inside out.
How intricate the smooth vines of affection really are and just to finger the bulbous, swollen tips of its fruit gently to give it life through orgasm and purity at the same time.

I miss my parents.
Sometimes while I watch TV I imagine being all alone in the world, like they are gone with their bodies broken down into ash kept in clay jars at the temple and I bask in that moment.
I look around at my home and peer into the cabinet with my mama's precious china from all over the world, crystal figures and carefully painted ornaments, feel the carpet with my toes through and through... And I wonder what would change if they were really gone, how would I fight to stay alive - do I have to survive or can I still live?
Would I have to live under someone else's rules and live with a burden strapped to my chest and wallet most of the time?
Would I ever have to make the effort of visiting my relatives every Chinese New Year and constantly be constructing a face for society to see, to talk to?
Would I ever, again, have privacy the way I do now, know what it's like to save money for the future and oh, all these that come along with this new reality.
Above all, I know that losing the privileges will be okay with me but to live under another's authority... no.
To have someone breathe down my back upon making my every move in life.
But yknow, if it happens, it must mean I am ready for it.
Anyway, I miss them, I really do.

I am so in love with ideas of the Baroque era that I imagine my fats to be of gold sometimes- this world does not affect me unless you give me words that cut and your words are the only ones I live by.
I know I am weak this way, I know I am the only one I have but I am one with you...so hello :)
Evening is setting in and I am happier now.

something like that

I hope you achieve everything you think is "noble".
I look at all things wrong- What is right without wrong?
Yes, you guessed it, I am saying I am right.
Who the hell are you to question my morals or who I love- whom I never had to tire my effort or quiet nights out for?
I wasted many tears and jealous dreams for you.
This is my happy and this is my territory.
It is good that you are furious, I will continue sinking my teeth into thick meat and look straight through your gaze seething with all your, um, pain and all your.... what's that word. Oh. 'Hurt'.
Hmmmmm.....
Fuck hurt.

I am not the type to turn the other cheek- you are not worth it.
You, chauvisnistic thing, you should have kissed me.
I laid out my affection like a feast for your greed and when it wasn't enough I let my blood run dry, so much so that it has stained my notebooks and memory.
But that had to happen so I could see through you.
Don't come around to tell me I didn't feel enough, don't tell me I would have worked for you if only it was enough.
Enough enough, what is enough from me when enough from you was pixie dust.
Do you know how that feels? Do you know what pixie dust is?
It's bullshit.
It was a thread and bastard, you hung me high.
I fought well but now I am empty handed. Do you think you are God?
Because I have lived enough to believe that these hands deserve gold and these hands deserve the words "not a mite will I withhold". I deserve to be fearless for, strong for, brave for and you are none of that.
Don't ask me not to change, don't ask me not to neglect you if you have showed me the most contradiction I have ever seen in years- the friends I choose to keep close do not have faces that split at the eyes or sunken, black cheeks. (do you know they give you away?)
Of course I hover around, of course I am fleeting with all my lust and the 'love' I proclaim.
But I will show you that I am fleeting enough to stay.
Stay stay what a disgusting twist you have attached to it.
So don't, DON'T push the blame on someone else.
You should be faithful and you should tear your ego right down to your feet.
If you see that it's filthy, well, it is.
What I have is pure and what I have right now is a blessing- I will not let you pollute it.
This is no matter of pride, this is about wrong and right.
You are wrong.
I am right.
Strike my right cheek, strike it harder because my left side will be hollow.

cave me in cave us out

It's like the seconds try their very best to cautiously creep past but they can't escape because a moment captures them and they have to freeze.
In those moments I break and these swollen bags release tears. Well I thought these eyes could be trusted but they are not safe; they throw drop by drop off the brink then off another one and another and another.
I am an enemy and bane to my own self, I am tired of existing just to kill myself this way.
My self hinders me from living.
I can't cling, I can't stick, I belong but sometimes I doubt human love.
What is ever enough.
Tonight I am not content and that is just the way things go.
I will sleep now, unashamed, yet so uncontrollably hot in the face.

I'm not obliged to give you my attention but I want to.
I want to show you that I still care.
Sorry I made you wait long.
I hope you will be kind.

octxymoron

Jeremy Fish's (one of my fave graphic artists and that is one intense beard) new work:

He gets his inspiration by collecting stories from his friends and people.

"The last couple years I have gotten really into the Grim Brothers. I always knew that they were the original story tellers behind a lot of the old Disney stuff or shit that they took and reworked. So I started to follow them a little deeper and got more into their stuff, and it's as classic as mythology story telling gets."

It has been a pretty nice Sunday.

Ron, Anna and Lea are in Singapore and they're all so lovable. Which means I love them very much, yes I do.

Woke up to have breakfast with everyone and Lea got to try fried white carrot cake and the usual hawker food. Then we showed Lea round the wet market.

So this fishmonger says to my brother in Mandarin "Hey! Are all three beauties from the three kingdoms yours?!"

There were four of us (Lea, Anna, my cousin then I at the back) and I couldn't believe the guts of this man.

So I shouted WALAO THREE NIA!!!

Sure, there was banter here and there, blablablahhh, laughed it off but honestly...it hurt.

I'm being petty,  yes I know.

It has always been hard for me to accept the fact that I have never been 'pretty' in the average Singaporean's eyes. 

Comments like these matter to me especially if they are my mom's. (Well, technically she's Malaysian but still.) And I wonder if she'll ever know that. I wonder if she knows that she was the very first woman I have ever loved in my whole life and what she made me feel when she tore me down.

I remember my papa's sister comparing me to my cousin over a dinner last year, announcing to the entire table that I am so much 'blacker' and saying that my cousin looks so much prettier than I do.

It is the same vibe I got from that fishmonger (skinny tiko-looking guy who sported a very lousily dyed, collapsing mohawk) and sometimes when I get comments like that, I feel like committing suicide just to punish that person.

And that amount of guilt she/he suffers will satisfy me so immensely that my bones will melt into the earth almost immediately once my coffin is laid down. And I swear my skeleton's jaw bones will smile the fuck out of shape. 

But then again, the people I love + kenzo are enough for me.

I am very grateful that people take the time and effort to get to know me and it is only my blessing that they love me back just the way I am.

I cannot ask for more, and I live for that.

Two days back, Hana and I had very intimate talk (me likey!) spread out over our favourite Starbucks egg white wrap lunch, finishing her errands and a little while more at the Hilltop cafe.

And I am so sure that I love her as a friend because she is so darn true to her emotions and what she stands for.

I can't even-

Nobody should take her affection + concern + anything about her for granted.

Anyway, I have been tired of doing things that compromise my happiness so here's a TO DO list I wrote on the back of a receipt the other day on the MRT:

Another * I'd like to add: Detach myself from material things or apply hot glue onto my earlobes every time I want to wear earrings (I realise I get very upset upon losing my accessories and knick knacks which I harp on which proceeds to me being a grouch and that just gives me wrinkles so all in all, it is BAD)

The month of October is coming to an end and this month I went clubbing for the first time and this is also me puking all over the pavement. Kelvin was kind enough to tie my hair and to take pictures with my phone and Lynette as I suffered in occasional silence (puking causes one to make sounds, uh huh) 

Bleeaaaaggghhhh

I also won second for CASS Factor *inserts modest mouse face* and I seriously wouldn't have won without all my friends and mama who voted for me! So many people cheered for me and I was so overwhelmed. I didn't get anyone to record the performance but I will never forget how much fun I had onstage. And backstage. On Whatsapp. Hehehe

Hey there Hana banana

This is Josieee *gemmy bling bling* 

Kel was the emcee for the night!

Theatre friends ohhhh me babies ohhhh <3

We like being dramatically awkward.

Danial and I singing When You Say Nothing At All + Chariot at a Toastmasters Event @ Ngee Ann

Random: Adi + zanymon filming an inanimate object

Whatsapp has been such a joy. And this boy agrees!

wheeeeeee

Kenzo and I went to watch Cara at her concert.
We had loads of fun. I can't even describe it.
ANYWHERE IS FUN AS LONG AS I HAVE MY GALLYPALLY- this I type as loud as I could yell.
And what were you thinking, you Caucasian passerby- of course we were going to carry on!
I am mighty mighty lucky.

Dear love:

This thing I'm in, this thing.

It has been the most unbelievable thing as dreaming goes.

What is it, I can never put a name to it.

A carton of milk pressed cold against a stomach stricken with gastric, a shimmering crystal cave with a shade that comforts and hides me from blinding, scorching sun (that makes me burn and hurt all over), an affection that lasts, a love that lasts, a sunny side up, a checkered flannel shirt waving in the cold wind and with that breeze your scent wafts to greet my senses and you make my head reel- what is this I don't know but it has my heart and I surrender.

October has been cute and have a great Halloween, patient reader of thy long ass post!

._.

Let me give you perfectly imperfect meaning
Let me resurrect new life to old touch
I would give all of my rotten self
Just to weigh your words against my heart
My trust is your anchor and your hammer's strength lives in my blood
We are moving, moving.

My neighbour has a girlfriend.
Geez, that wicked thing.
Never have I felt so happy for someone else and I don't even know him.

There have been best days, but I forgot about the word "better" and this has just begun.
I was right about it.....since yesterday.
Hee:)
I didn't lose you-
you lost me.

All this art by Alison Schulnik......andddd

......surfing fecalface.com <3 while t'was forced to wait for gallypally

Today is Spirit Day so I'm going to be a grape!

My mama is rushing me to go catch some early worms so I have to rush this too!

I'm just so grateful that I got casted as Hamlet for the upcoming play.

Just when I felt super down about acting in the previous Inside Out (due to censorship issues and they had to cut my monologue to accommodate the duration of the whole showcase), I actually enjoyed playing my French character in the end and now this...wow. Thank you God :)

CASS Factor is on tomorrow and I can't wait because it's going to be such a cosy event!

Fairy lights and candles are always a sure-win.

I think that's why I love themed parties so much. The details and colors = nice warm atmosphere = a moment.

Speaking of moments, Shanice is going to be thrilled at Michael's bio and I'm going to be momentarily stunned before I warm up to the crowd.

And have I told you guys that the band got selected for Anaki Records?!?!

I have a feeling that November and December are going to be the best days of my life all over again.

Because I know that when I share things/thoughts/places with you, you appreciate them. And that is more than enough for me. Just to have someone love the things you love and have his/her heart broken over the things that break yours.

This world is sad but this world is full of love.

Meowzors.

I like art and beer and the occasional social fling.

this is about me

My toilet is a place that I love, so I thought I'd share how much I cherish it in words. And all through writing, I was struggling with the idea of forgetting about someone. It was supposed to be funny but I forgot, you see. I remembered being sad in the end. Not a good feeling. Here goes:

My Toilet

My toilet is more than a toilet
It is second, though, to my room which is my personal sanctuary
But I will tell you about my toilet.

It is where I take them shits
And find faces on the cream colored marble wall
The patterns stretch on and on like telepathic veins;
They reach into my brain

There's that lioness with the single eye
And she looks on with such a fierce curiosity and vexation that makes me scared-
She looks like she's really into watching me pee
She looks just like you when you look at me

So this is about me
I see me in the mirror,
Laced with dangling earrings for
Every personality I choose to take on in the morning
And I wonder why my eyes feel a heat behind them
I say no, no
So I let my clothes slip off in my toilet,
I get quiet
And I caress my stretch marks softly, carefully
Like they could get angry and spread their claws upwards to choke my neck if I play the game wrongly
Stop when I feel trickling down my collarbones
And smile,
In my toilet

I shout at you when I am kissing the marble in the shower
There is a cemented line that holds it all together
And I imagine that to be your chest
But this is about me
So I lean against it
And make sure I say all the right things
So that it will stay intact and never split;
Not fall apart like we did

I squat down and the water helps
So we are making our way into my filthy mind
You holding my hand and me holding your crotch
And we are running, running,
Till you inch your way into my pink slit
Hit the wet walls in my head
And I like it
So, the water helps with the sound

I get up and pull my hair back
I say sorry God, sorry you
"I won't do it again, control control" in my toilet
But my knees, my voice and my faithfulness fails me
Still, we have to stop somehow
The second time I get up, liquid heat runs down my face
My eyes are burning, darling.

Sometimes I worship
I feel like angels visit me at the window when I sing,
When I sing out to the firmament to come fill this void in me
Wish I were that elusive squirrel's tree
Wish I were my mother's favourite bougainvillea bush
Wish I were with you, God
Why do you make me scream so much?
No one listens
In my toilet
I hear and hurt myself
That is not okay

My toilet
It keeps me
It keeps me and you
It is a place where we will never reconcile
My reality, my dream portal
I just thought you should know
I loved you with every heartbeat that surged its tired way through those veins
You see, those veins on the walls,
They keep me
This is about me, I promise.

--

spotless

I know "the end of missing someone" makes you sad.
Like how fleeting people are, how fleeting I am, how you have to be more selfish to get what you want.
You selfish, spoilt little brat.
There is no science and there is no proof that we need.
It is simply the sound of bones creaking and failing, creaking and failing.
Chorusing, spiralling down, edging itself into your memory and my present.

"This is it Joel. It's gonna be gone soon."
"I know."
"What do we do?"
"Enjoy it."

sacred

Inside Out was magical.
Being part of such a fun show is always magical (cue wand joke).
I love how everyone dances backstage and how we secretly spazz everytime the audience laughs.
My body gets this crazy tingle when it's my turn to be on and oh god, I absolutely love being involved in the set changes.
Being secretive + hiding behind black curtains with a bunch of adorable boobs is seriously my thing.

I was thinking how Rodney our director reminded us that the theatre is a sacred place.
It really is, because all humanity is at its most treasured and precious form there.
I thought about how we don't need to scream and cry to show a sort of strength that is derived from pain- and how the theatre has made me feel so fortunate because it serves as a space to amplify and showcase one of the most admirable human characteristics.
I felt so thankful when I was home.
Even if I forgot that God was the one who gave us all this talent in the first place- He gives so abundantly and I know that, because I can see it all around me.
Anyway the walk home was so good because for awhile, there were no cars.
Just me, empty roads, quiet trees and freezing weather.
The best kind of moments that keep me alive.

Never felt more grateful to have such loving friends in my life.
The ones who always, always make it for our shows.
The ones who are always there to catch you when you're about to fall- yeah they're that good.
And they won't get up until you get back up on your feet as well.
While being my emotional pillars, they bruise alongside me.

I remember how you told me I must control myself when showing someone that I ____ them.
I believe that sometimes we don't run towards opportunities and that's okay.
Sometimes we make the wrong moves on purpose.
But. But.
So what?
Because then we wouldn't need miracles.
And miracles wait.
Great is the love that comes without warning.
What are you. Ugh.

Party in da basement tomorrow<3

all this while

Everytime I get jealous, I feel this strain in my heart, a heat behind my eyes and a pressure between my jaw.
Then I speak and my voice starts to make the sides of my throat hurt.
And I feel entirely broken.
Like goo and elbow bones all jutting out.

Sometimes your eyes tell me things.
Things that cannot be confirmed, things that are unspoken- which is your favourite way of expressing yourself.
And sometimes I see these things.
And these things are true.
And I love them.

I find it absolutely amusing and annoying at the same time how I make people talk about their feelings.
My questions get crazy blunt.
Like "how do you feel about me exactly?"
And I appreciate it when people tell me the truth.
It shows that they care.
They care that I care.
That's why I'm so lucky to have you.
Although maybe I ____ you like a dead person now.
A memory.
You stand before me: bright-eyed, my favourite person, the child of the fiercest angel and the most gentle demon-
You are living but whatever we had
Is dead.
That's why we have to stop creating. I know that well but I cannot, I cannot.

Do you tell people things because you want them to get to me?
Is that the only thing you want to say to me?
Because I cherish it and I keep it so darn close to my heart.
So close that sometimes I worship myself through it and it scares me.
And you make me stronger that way.

My head is throbbing but I want to write
I guess I can't
goodnight

you were a leather brown horse

Tonight Adrian asked me a list of questions that are supposed to determine my personality.
He asked me to describe the horse I saw.
It looked so beautifully calm and brave and strong but it needed a leader. It looked special.
Adrian says the horse is my lover.
He asked if my horse had a saddle and I said no.
I wish my horse had a saddle. It represents having a lasting relationship with the person you love.

Jammed with the mates this afternoon and it was fun as always.
I love how my bandmates are disciplined when it comes to getting the songs right and at the same time, are absolutely fun boobs.
And we really do not need to entertain bitterness; we like our tea sweet and loaded with sugar cubes thank you most kindly sir.
Rushed down to attend CASS Factor rehearsal, zoomity zoom!
I don't know why but I felt so safe being there with everyone else tonight.
I felt like nothing could bring me down because I am this lucky to have such beautiful people around me and in my life.
I have second thoughts about singing Rolling In The Deep.

So I'm home from having supper at Thomson with Hanabear and the Galpal tonight!
I'm dead tired.
Jon just called and it was uh interesting. haha drunk shit

It's not that I don't care. It's that I can't.
Oh all the things we give and take back so quickly.
All the words we hold back in our mouths so that they cause our tongues to rot.
All the pride and useless walls we build because we're so afraid to lose.
Whatever.
I lost you.

need and want must co-exist and i have found it in you but you i cannot have so you can't have me too


fuck off kenneth wong

sorry i disturbed your sleep

If there is one thing that I have proven to myself, it is that I'm probably better off bored than chugging alcohol and dealing with the consequences later.

But it was a good first time I guess. Because I was taken care of.

Then again I wish I hadn't made that stupid call. I woke up feeling intensely irritated and my nervous laughter through the second call was seriously...not nervous laughter.

Yeah funny things happen but I should really put my phone away the next time round before I get hit.

I remember I kept crying and I felt the lowest I have ever felt because Perry wouldn't give my phone back.

Ugh.

So after our delirium was over, we met our favourite people for lunch.

Beef fat. mmmm-mm.

Fright Night was torture.

I wanted to sleep but I couldn't help making lame ass jokes and laughing at Hana's bored ass face.

The night ended with Josie + Hana + Ken + I playing Jackass.

I finally learnt what being "contemptuous" means and how I was quite taken aback by the word 'past'.

Not by what it means or stands for, it's just the way you said it.

It was like a drill through my head but it is a nice sound I could get used to.

So I have spent the day reading Looking For Alaska, eating and sleeping.

Just got back from having apple strudel with the parents, which was highly embarrassing once again because my father thought apple crumble was made out of pork floss and my mother tried bargaining with the waitress over the price of the tiramisu.

I like the idea of not spending money.

I also like the idea of having Simply Bread for lunch before theatre rehearsal tomorrow.

I am now halfway through Looking For Alaska and I haven't gotten bored of it so far.

I'd like to meet Miles.

Anyway I don't think smoking is immoral or something to be judged by how your parents have raised you. 

Unhealthy yes, but that seems so insignificant now. I type that as a statement of fact. 

If it's what you want to do, then do whatever you want, you know?

I just think smokes should be bought with one own's hard earned money and not your parent's.

I was thinking in the car about how teenagers hide so much from their parents.

But then you wouldn't be a teen, would you?

I want to live, but I want to live it with you. It isn't the same. 

That was the reason for my call. 

You have no idea how much I want to share the most impulsive/funniest/dumbest things in life with you.

It has nothing to do with me going through heartache or shit like that.

I'm over that.

Back to the reading.

with hands open

One day my name will fade just like his faded from my focus.

And you will find an immense interest in another girl.

She will be beautiful, cute and sexy in every way imaginable to you.

She will seem perfect and imperfect at the same time.

You will want to initiate every conversation with her.

You want to chase her.

Because you want to explore the boundaries of how attraction works. 

This concept that you can wrap around your finger and manipulate.

Of course I don't like it.

Why do you want to lose your innocence consciously?

And this girl will break you like you could break her.

Then one day her name will fade as well.

Unless Fate chooses to hold his lanky backbone together to make things 'good enough' for you.

I will be happy for you.

But for now, Science is a harsh thing. And I cannot live with that- if my world is already so full of it, I am more than ready to dream and I will never compromise.

I believe two human beings can create worlds together. Worlds that no one else can break or penetrate. Worlds that seal every single dream in and are kept safe. 

But the world must be created upon mutual feeling.

It will always be all or nothing.

I am in love with the imperfect perfection. 

So I am going to rise above a supposed 'influence' I'm supposed to be under- circumstances/experiences that have made me this way and whatnot.

That's bullshit.

My subconscious cannot fight my willingness to get out of that rut and to run towards that miracle before me.

I will fail but not forever.

higher than that

I believe many things have been lost to time.
I lost you, lost me, lost words.

I get very tired with the church telling me that I should stop focusing on my lack and more on God instead.
Shut up church, shut up society.
I don't want God to work through the church to get to me.
God can you call me?
My number is 81636500.

Love is overrated.
Of course, I'm not the first one to say that and of course I've known it right from the start.
Time has made me angry. Time has measured the duration I've waited.
I want to destroy it.
I want to sit down and cry so that you will know how I have never abandoned myself for just anybody.
I want you to know how special you are.
That you will always be my favourite person, my favourite smell, my favourite feeling and my favourite fight.

So when you asked if I was still angry at you I said I didn't know.
"Half-half."
It is the truth.

Maybe I know how you feel now.
You want to destroy something that destroyed you.
I do too.
I never want your definition of joy.

house after house just like club after club

(i still feel this way when i look at you)

Wow, when I'm low, I'm really low.

But when I'm okay... I'm okay!

So.

I have been watching True Blood lately (though I really cannot KEEP watching it because it subtly influences me to become more vulgar and tactless in a way) and I am absolutely electrified by the buzzing chemistry between Sookie Stackhouse and Bill Compton.

And Anna Paquin, the actress who plays Sookie, is... stunning. The kind of stunning that takes awhile to register in your head. And when she gets angry... my lord. That's hot.

I didn't like her from the start because the gap between her teeth was really disturbing and okay, maybe the Texan accent came off as annoying.

But that's the thing about her- she isn't conventional at all and she is BEAUTIFUL at being that way. Her individuality is practically a gift.

This is my favourite picture of the goddess

Anna Paquin for V Magazine

Now I know why character creation is so important and thank god for learning so much more about it this year. After a few episodes, you see that she is the perfect protagonist because Sookie's character is such a strong catalyst by itself because she challenges boundaries NATURALLY. She has this rebellion and a cause for justice in her that's just bursting to be acknowledged for the sake of others. It is so important because good character keeps the audience entertained and wanting to know more- and there you have succeeded.

And Anna Paquin compliments that character so well. She is god-sent.

I could go on and on about her.
So besides believing this space needs more pictures, I have been struck with the sudden motivation of being a waitress at Jones The Grocer @ Dempsey Hill.

Credits go to: 
http://cwfoodtravel.blogspot.com/2008/10/singapore-jones-grocer-at-dempsey-hill.html
(because I have no pictures damn it haha)

Call me a classy snob but I absolutely cannot serve food at a fast food restaurant knowing it isn't the best food people can get!
Well, Jones isn't decided yet but I'd like to work in a restaurant that has their standard of food.
This is weird, I realise I'm not even wanting to work for the money.
Main reason is because I've been watching Hell's Kitchen and Masterchef US so much on Star World (I don't understand why Glee on SW is still at Season One) and another is since the holidays are here, I'd like to do hungry people a sort of.. uh.. service!
I could use that money as well.

So as my parents are away for a few weeks in Rome and are probably aboard a Black Sea cruise right about now, I have been bored as a hog and in need of an adventure.
Of course I always have the option of sitting home to paint and read and to catch up on TV shows but I want to get up and away from the Macbook/Facebook/technology and spend good, solid time with friends.
I want to move and travel- go walking, go learn diving or take up a cooking class with my friends and have a ball!
Do the unconventional!
Grow algae! ok maybe not haha

Yesterday I was out with Angel for lunch at Sushi Tei and it was major girl talk.
I've missed her so much and it's always so comfortable and fun being around her.
Boys really do affect us girls and we know they're right when we see ourselves change for the better. Somehow :)
VANIDA LOH WHEN AM I SEEING YOU?!?!

Anyway.
The projects/things that I am looking forward to are:
1. Writing a script with Perry for our upcoming theatre showcase
2. Getting the band together to register for an audition with Anaki Records
3. Cycling + sleepover + trekking with my favourite people
4. Painting Belle's wall
5. Painting more random pictures on my own wall
6. Participating in more poetry slams and writing more good-for-the-heart stuff
7. Buying cables with Jon
8. Meeting secondary school friends
9. Trying all kinds of new food/cakes/whatnot and writing reviews about it
10. Last but not least, practicing the guitar like mad and trying to get that thumb over the neck

And you ask, how could I be bored.
Yeah how could I be bored?
Sigh, but adventures are no fun when you're alone.
I am selfish and I want company.
Think I've been pretty lucky, everytime I get ridiculously bored, someone texts me and I'm off for the night!
But I'm off to read more fairytales for the day!
Can't wait for theatre rehearsal on Friday.
AMEN.

my memory is cruel

I was bored for the whole of today. (yesterday)

I was just about to resign to fate when S the cat texted me and yeah, it was a night out with P and him. It was a good night.

I got "My Mother She Killed Me, My Father He Ate Me", a collection of new fairy tales inspired by old ones.

It's so hard getting me hooked to anything in print nowadays. The Lovely Bones was the only book I just had to finish so badly (although I didn't want The Picture Of Dorian Gray to end and I took the longest time reading that vintage thing).

We had dinner at Quiznos because Toast at Taka was closed.
When there's nowhere to go in Orchard, Quiznos is never a bad resort.

S didn't really tell us what type of guy he's really into, that secretive shit. 

If a TV show could describe our lives, S's would be Desperate Housewives and P's and mine would be Friends.

He thinks he's a Chandler and I think I'm a Phoebe. hmm. *shrugs*
Yeah I have been so bad at making conversations that I'm resorting to asking questions like that.

So we caught Crazy, Stupid, Love and it made me laugh a lot.

I cried two times and I laughed throughout those tears- I really do not know what got into me.

I think I was happy-sad. It was bittersweet.

Mm I am very lucky to have friends who are not afraid of watching movies with me.

Friends who don't complain about my laughter or what I laugh at and I honestly felt happy when S let out his Maleficent laughs throughout the movie as well. P let out the occasional "heh heh". 

I remember C's mom told me to stop laughing in a lift once and I wanted to hit her.

Anyway I don't know if I believe in soul mates all over again.
What if you feel so right about that one person but he doesn't feel the same way about you?
That's gotta suck.

P told me over dinner that you know you really felt for that someone if, let's say 20 years down the road, something still triggers a memory of them. Something: like conversations, bus stops, that particular way light falls on faces and I'll only get to see that lighting when on the stage (which I am so embarrassed to say, has always been for you), poems that gain many many finger snaps and eye liner.
I was reading on the bus and I could not stop seeing your face when I had to walk away that one night but you called me back. I don't usually remember things but argh, things like that, they just stay and take up space in my head.


I'm a realist but sometimes I really hate reality.


x.

There are a million things I don't want to remember
I post, edit and delete, post edit and delete - what do I do that for
Why should I care about who looks at anything I post?
Why should I care if it's you
I don't know how to get the hell on with this heaviness in my brain
I don't know what to say to God or what to give thanks for

Because I know I am not thankful
Deep down I am hurting with this residue I am left with
I feel so tired of contradicting myself, of being this irrational being I am
Here I am so afraid of loving all over again
Why did you not tell me, why did you not say anything
How could you keep me guessing
Wasn't it your responsibility
Sorry yes but sorry no
Sorry no, no no no.

I am forced to take sorry yes
I want to slap you
I want to hurt myself really bad, all over again
help, no not yours

sainthood is stupid

I met Deb last night and we talked alot (as usual) over dinner and Ben & Jerry's.
Lemonade sorbet is good stuff.

Was thinking about how I've been feeling these few days and I'm not going crazy.
Feels odd not "suffering" the way I thought I ought to.
Reviewed my circumstances and I've realized that... I finally have closure.
And I just stood in the shower tonight thanking God and even you for letting me have that.
Proves that you're a nice person.
Proves that I'm able to accept things the way they play out to be.
I feel strong.

Wondered about why I've started to love myself more.
Used to think that I am nothing- okay in fact, I really am nothing.
But I am something with the people around me because they love me.
I don't live entirely for them but I want to love myself because of their love.
I want to honour it.
Because they see me differently the way I see myself, why shouldn't I have confidence in them that what they judge me for is... good?
I wanted a different view on why an individual should have self-esteem and Jon ong said it increases a person's probability of success, which I really agree with.
Then again, I relate the question of what success is and whether it's worth it back to our purpose and why we're alive....grah.

Sometimes I wonder if I believe in God because of the amount of faith I'm already 'given' or born with.
And I don't want it to be just that.
I want it to be judged through the experiences I have throughout my life.
I want to be tested, rebuked, disciplined- I want to be aware of the intangible, the great unknown and the peace that only that Someone out there can give to humanity.

I don't know.
I just want you to be fine.

The gig was shitty.

mmhmm

I am going to be afraid of the door slamming
Or the little airy touches
And the kisses reserved for me
The blueberries rolling beside my pancakes that you picked from the buffet platter
Sour as hell but you like my face when that happens to me
Salt
Whatnot

Yeah I'm just terrified.
But I wanna be terrified with you.

so i was thinking

Words are cheap; we’re all able to afford them but pity the one who believes words that have been borrowed.

Borrowed words are meant to soften and prick. Note that ‘prick’ comes after ‘soften’. Words like that are merciless, and even genuine apologies lose their sincerity like how your stupid tongue cannot keep still – “you should’ve asked”.

I will step out of this game entirely because I am fighting with Pride.

If I was merely someone to be conquered then… maybe I never knew I was in it for the thrill as well.

Everyday I question: Were my feelings concrete?

Or did I simply play the chase all too hard and too well?

Am I sick in the mind for liking the hurt that comes with it?

I have been hedonistic all this while... wow I never knew.

Of course I’ve gotten completely exhausted being faithful.

I was a wife.

You can’t tell me not to feel; you can’t tell me to heal. (KIV: You doesn’t mean ‘you’.)

Mm I ought to be surprised at myself for having clipped my heart’s wings down because I would never have known the extent I’d go for something worth fighting for.

Or so I thought.

So here I consider myself lucky.

Because I am young, because I have time to live and time to redefine what I think is ‘worthy’.

Because I also have the right and authority to shape myself into a personality so unrecognisable for the sake of self-preservation- and all this I am able to do through selfishness.

But selfishness causes us to forgo dreaming. It makes our hearts weaker  and it builds unbreakable walls of thoughts, no, it builds MONSTERS constructed to fuel your self-denial. And all this we bring upon ourselves, like the way Macbeth miscalculated the prophecy and unknowingly led to his own tragedy.

And you’d think he did it knowingly.

Ironic isn’t it. (I love Macbeth)

I’ve learnt to be more careful with the steps I take, to burden my mouth for what I say and more recently, to appreciate and love every person (doesn’t matter whether I burn or grow cold towards) who enters my life but never to be influenced negatively by them.

So when God tells me to guard my heart, I will take heed. Like now. And I will not care for appearing/being desirable to anyone, both outwardly and internally.

I just wanna make some good ass music, slap on some Deep Heat for my fracking neck, get my manicure @ Far East and get this Noose script over and done with!

To end this off:

Bitter no,

Smarter yes but not in the way you think I should be and definitely:

More foolish HOLY SHIT YES.

The Black Keys + The White Stripes <3
fyeah blues rock

so many things i don't want to remember

oh for fuck's sake.

how how howwww

how.

Undiscovered

Some more than others and some.. well... Lesser.

Why can't I just be hedonistic for once and stop giving.

I want to be selfish.

I'm really tired of seeing so many details but detail is all I can see.

I look at trees swaying in the breeze and think them one of the most beautiful sights on Earth. 

But people probably think me stupid because I don't have an ounce of logic in me. 

Everything is based on instinct.

And sometimes I judge too quickly and yeah, I look even dumber that way.

It's so hard to live with myself, it really is.

Maybe I'm tired of suffering.

When I asked God to teach me to be patient, I never thought His lesson would take this long.

And it's still ongoing.

I need to retire. I need a break and thank goodness the school semester is ending soon.

Shit, I need days off to listen, to breathe again, to read, to get away from the world.

I need my privacy. I have to stop living for the external and START TAKING CARE OF MY HEART.

GRAAAHHHHHH

Restless is this heart of mine :(

I know, i know, i know, it's only natural to be sad over things that don't go my way or wished them up to be.

I know grief should be superficial and joy the one and only thing that resides in me after you dig out all the black parts of my heart.

But I'm hurting. :( I really am.

And I don't want to tell you the truth because I fear.

It's not like me to fear anything, especially things like these.

But I guess I don't want anything to break.

Still, I'm not okay. 

I just want to rewind everything and make it all good again.

Sigh will you help me save this.

Am I even worth it.

My heart is fleeting and I am lukewarm.

God please don't spit me out.

grrrraaaahhhhh

I'm staring out into the darkness over the quilt cover which makes hills and dents, ups and downs.
I'm so afraid of the unknown. I'm so afraid of asking but I love the truth.
The truth makes me stronger. It makes me suck things up, makes the scales covering my eyes peel so I can see.
And it's healthy. No hiding.

Zany tells me Borders may shut down soon.
I think we can all do something about it.
People are gonna cry and be crazy sad once it's confirmed.
They'd queue up in protest and demand it to open again.
I've had so many memories in that place and I can't imagine my favourite literature section in the whole world being gone.
And not forgetting the cosmic carpets and the awesome themed stationery.
We could all start an Operation: Save Borders mission.
If only people cared enough, sigh.

Anyway I'm tired and angry.
Chicks over dicks my ass.
I do not forgive flirts.