you were a leather brown horse

Tonight Adrian asked me a list of questions that are supposed to determine my personality.
He asked me to describe the horse I saw.
It looked so beautifully calm and brave and strong but it needed a leader. It looked special.
Adrian says the horse is my lover.
He asked if my horse had a saddle and I said no.
I wish my horse had a saddle. It represents having a lasting relationship with the person you love.

Jammed with the mates this afternoon and it was fun as always.
I love how my bandmates are disciplined when it comes to getting the songs right and at the same time, are absolutely fun boobs.
And we really do not need to entertain bitterness; we like our tea sweet and loaded with sugar cubes thank you most kindly sir.
Rushed down to attend CASS Factor rehearsal, zoomity zoom!
I don't know why but I felt so safe being there with everyone else tonight.
I felt like nothing could bring me down because I am this lucky to have such beautiful people around me and in my life.
I have second thoughts about singing Rolling In The Deep.

So I'm home from having supper at Thomson with Hanabear and the Galpal tonight!
I'm dead tired.
Jon just called and it was uh interesting. haha drunk shit

It's not that I don't care. It's that I can't.
Oh all the things we give and take back so quickly.
All the words we hold back in our mouths so that they cause our tongues to rot.
All the pride and useless walls we build because we're so afraid to lose.
Whatever.
I lost you.

need and want must co-exist and i have found it in you but you i cannot have so you can't have me too


fuck off kenneth wong

sorry i disturbed your sleep

If there is one thing that I have proven to myself, it is that I'm probably better off bored than chugging alcohol and dealing with the consequences later.

But it was a good first time I guess. Because I was taken care of.

Then again I wish I hadn't made that stupid call. I woke up feeling intensely irritated and my nervous laughter through the second call was seriously...not nervous laughter.

Yeah funny things happen but I should really put my phone away the next time round before I get hit.

I remember I kept crying and I felt the lowest I have ever felt because Perry wouldn't give my phone back.

Ugh.

So after our delirium was over, we met our favourite people for lunch.

Beef fat. mmmm-mm.

Fright Night was torture.

I wanted to sleep but I couldn't help making lame ass jokes and laughing at Hana's bored ass face.

The night ended with Josie + Hana + Ken + I playing Jackass.

I finally learnt what being "contemptuous" means and how I was quite taken aback by the word 'past'.

Not by what it means or stands for, it's just the way you said it.

It was like a drill through my head but it is a nice sound I could get used to.

So I have spent the day reading Looking For Alaska, eating and sleeping.

Just got back from having apple strudel with the parents, which was highly embarrassing once again because my father thought apple crumble was made out of pork floss and my mother tried bargaining with the waitress over the price of the tiramisu.

I like the idea of not spending money.

I also like the idea of having Simply Bread for lunch before theatre rehearsal tomorrow.

I am now halfway through Looking For Alaska and I haven't gotten bored of it so far.

I'd like to meet Miles.

Anyway I don't think smoking is immoral or something to be judged by how your parents have raised you. 

Unhealthy yes, but that seems so insignificant now. I type that as a statement of fact. 

If it's what you want to do, then do whatever you want, you know?

I just think smokes should be bought with one own's hard earned money and not your parent's.

I was thinking in the car about how teenagers hide so much from their parents.

But then you wouldn't be a teen, would you?

I want to live, but I want to live it with you. It isn't the same. 

That was the reason for my call. 

You have no idea how much I want to share the most impulsive/funniest/dumbest things in life with you.

It has nothing to do with me going through heartache or shit like that.

I'm over that.

Back to the reading.

with hands open

One day my name will fade just like his faded from my focus.

And you will find an immense interest in another girl.

She will be beautiful, cute and sexy in every way imaginable to you.

She will seem perfect and imperfect at the same time.

You will want to initiate every conversation with her.

You want to chase her.

Because you want to explore the boundaries of how attraction works. 

This concept that you can wrap around your finger and manipulate.

Of course I don't like it.

Why do you want to lose your innocence consciously?

And this girl will break you like you could break her.

Then one day her name will fade as well.

Unless Fate chooses to hold his lanky backbone together to make things 'good enough' for you.

I will be happy for you.

But for now, Science is a harsh thing. And I cannot live with that- if my world is already so full of it, I am more than ready to dream and I will never compromise.

I believe two human beings can create worlds together. Worlds that no one else can break or penetrate. Worlds that seal every single dream in and are kept safe. 

But the world must be created upon mutual feeling.

It will always be all or nothing.

I am in love with the imperfect perfection. 

So I am going to rise above a supposed 'influence' I'm supposed to be under- circumstances/experiences that have made me this way and whatnot.

That's bullshit.

My subconscious cannot fight my willingness to get out of that rut and to run towards that miracle before me.

I will fail but not forever.

higher than that

I believe many things have been lost to time.
I lost you, lost me, lost words.

I get very tired with the church telling me that I should stop focusing on my lack and more on God instead.
Shut up church, shut up society.
I don't want God to work through the church to get to me.
God can you call me?
My number is 81636500.

Love is overrated.
Of course, I'm not the first one to say that and of course I've known it right from the start.
Time has made me angry. Time has measured the duration I've waited.
I want to destroy it.
I want to sit down and cry so that you will know how I have never abandoned myself for just anybody.
I want you to know how special you are.
That you will always be my favourite person, my favourite smell, my favourite feeling and my favourite fight.

So when you asked if I was still angry at you I said I didn't know.
"Half-half."
It is the truth.

Maybe I know how you feel now.
You want to destroy something that destroyed you.
I do too.
I never want your definition of joy.

house after house just like club after club

(i still feel this way when i look at you)

Wow, when I'm low, I'm really low.

But when I'm okay... I'm okay!

So.

I have been watching True Blood lately (though I really cannot KEEP watching it because it subtly influences me to become more vulgar and tactless in a way) and I am absolutely electrified by the buzzing chemistry between Sookie Stackhouse and Bill Compton.

And Anna Paquin, the actress who plays Sookie, is... stunning. The kind of stunning that takes awhile to register in your head. And when she gets angry... my lord. That's hot.

I didn't like her from the start because the gap between her teeth was really disturbing and okay, maybe the Texan accent came off as annoying.

But that's the thing about her- she isn't conventional at all and she is BEAUTIFUL at being that way. Her individuality is practically a gift.

This is my favourite picture of the goddess

Anna Paquin for V Magazine

Now I know why character creation is so important and thank god for learning so much more about it this year. After a few episodes, you see that she is the perfect protagonist because Sookie's character is such a strong catalyst by itself because she challenges boundaries NATURALLY. She has this rebellion and a cause for justice in her that's just bursting to be acknowledged for the sake of others. It is so important because good character keeps the audience entertained and wanting to know more- and there you have succeeded.

And Anna Paquin compliments that character so well. She is god-sent.

I could go on and on about her.
So besides believing this space needs more pictures, I have been struck with the sudden motivation of being a waitress at Jones The Grocer @ Dempsey Hill.

Credits go to: 
http://cwfoodtravel.blogspot.com/2008/10/singapore-jones-grocer-at-dempsey-hill.html
(because I have no pictures damn it haha)

Call me a classy snob but I absolutely cannot serve food at a fast food restaurant knowing it isn't the best food people can get!
Well, Jones isn't decided yet but I'd like to work in a restaurant that has their standard of food.
This is weird, I realise I'm not even wanting to work for the money.
Main reason is because I've been watching Hell's Kitchen and Masterchef US so much on Star World (I don't understand why Glee on SW is still at Season One) and another is since the holidays are here, I'd like to do hungry people a sort of.. uh.. service!
I could use that money as well.

So as my parents are away for a few weeks in Rome and are probably aboard a Black Sea cruise right about now, I have been bored as a hog and in need of an adventure.
Of course I always have the option of sitting home to paint and read and to catch up on TV shows but I want to get up and away from the Macbook/Facebook/technology and spend good, solid time with friends.
I want to move and travel- go walking, go learn diving or take up a cooking class with my friends and have a ball!
Do the unconventional!
Grow algae! ok maybe not haha

Yesterday I was out with Angel for lunch at Sushi Tei and it was major girl talk.
I've missed her so much and it's always so comfortable and fun being around her.
Boys really do affect us girls and we know they're right when we see ourselves change for the better. Somehow :)
VANIDA LOH WHEN AM I SEEING YOU?!?!

Anyway.
The projects/things that I am looking forward to are:
1. Writing a script with Perry for our upcoming theatre showcase
2. Getting the band together to register for an audition with Anaki Records
3. Cycling + sleepover + trekking with my favourite people
4. Painting Belle's wall
5. Painting more random pictures on my own wall
6. Participating in more poetry slams and writing more good-for-the-heart stuff
7. Buying cables with Jon
8. Meeting secondary school friends
9. Trying all kinds of new food/cakes/whatnot and writing reviews about it
10. Last but not least, practicing the guitar like mad and trying to get that thumb over the neck

And you ask, how could I be bored.
Yeah how could I be bored?
Sigh, but adventures are no fun when you're alone.
I am selfish and I want company.
Think I've been pretty lucky, everytime I get ridiculously bored, someone texts me and I'm off for the night!
But I'm off to read more fairytales for the day!
Can't wait for theatre rehearsal on Friday.
AMEN.

my memory is cruel

I was bored for the whole of today. (yesterday)

I was just about to resign to fate when S the cat texted me and yeah, it was a night out with P and him. It was a good night.

I got "My Mother She Killed Me, My Father He Ate Me", a collection of new fairy tales inspired by old ones.

It's so hard getting me hooked to anything in print nowadays. The Lovely Bones was the only book I just had to finish so badly (although I didn't want The Picture Of Dorian Gray to end and I took the longest time reading that vintage thing).

We had dinner at Quiznos because Toast at Taka was closed.
When there's nowhere to go in Orchard, Quiznos is never a bad resort.

S didn't really tell us what type of guy he's really into, that secretive shit. 

If a TV show could describe our lives, S's would be Desperate Housewives and P's and mine would be Friends.

He thinks he's a Chandler and I think I'm a Phoebe. hmm. *shrugs*
Yeah I have been so bad at making conversations that I'm resorting to asking questions like that.

So we caught Crazy, Stupid, Love and it made me laugh a lot.

I cried two times and I laughed throughout those tears- I really do not know what got into me.

I think I was happy-sad. It was bittersweet.

Mm I am very lucky to have friends who are not afraid of watching movies with me.

Friends who don't complain about my laughter or what I laugh at and I honestly felt happy when S let out his Maleficent laughs throughout the movie as well. P let out the occasional "heh heh". 

I remember C's mom told me to stop laughing in a lift once and I wanted to hit her.

Anyway I don't know if I believe in soul mates all over again.
What if you feel so right about that one person but he doesn't feel the same way about you?
That's gotta suck.

P told me over dinner that you know you really felt for that someone if, let's say 20 years down the road, something still triggers a memory of them. Something: like conversations, bus stops, that particular way light falls on faces and I'll only get to see that lighting when on the stage (which I am so embarrassed to say, has always been for you), poems that gain many many finger snaps and eye liner.
I was reading on the bus and I could not stop seeing your face when I had to walk away that one night but you called me back. I don't usually remember things but argh, things like that, they just stay and take up space in my head.


I'm a realist but sometimes I really hate reality.


x.