I finally opened the Glacier Wine that Perry got for me for my 18th birthday.
The trip to Sarawak made me the happiest with my friends and the saddest with you.
Today I don't feel like I can face you or speak to you, because these feelings have all been poured out already and there really is nothing left in me to offer you or to make you understand.
I fear that your understanding of me is shallow, and it is something that causes me great distress.
Since the day you joked about me crying about every little thing, I realised that I have been crying more.
My age is something that I am ashamed of every time I cry.
I am not only tired of the struggling, but the fact that I am made to struggle.
Why this has happened, I have no reason for it, and I have given up seeking answers when all you can ever say to me is "the only ones we are in control of are ourselves".
But you have retreated and I am advancing but always losing.
I just want to know what I'm dealing with, because my enemy is invisible and he is prowling and I am not winning this war.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Friday, June 8, 2012
Servant Leader
Last night I was watching this Chinese period drama and as usual, a servant who is to be put to death begs for 'mercy' but is eventually lugged away by palace guards.
I've never understood why people ask for 'mercy' before their kings and queens.
Why do they want to demonstrate even more selfishness by existing and hang on to their own mortal life if they know their wretchedness cannot save them both physically and morally anymore?
It's been a long time since I've entered a time of prayer, and I run back to Him all the time because of my sin. I don't ask for mercy, I just want to know He accepts my Sorry.
I can't forget what Claire told me last New Year's Eve: He forgives you but He was angry at that point in time when you sinned.
Anger is not a common attribute of God and it scares me. Yet, although He is the One who disciplines, He is also the One who chooses to have mercy on me.
As I was saying my usual "sorry"s with my eyes closed, I suddenly saw Him walking into my room towards me. He bent down and He started to wash my feet.
And He was silent, and He was gentle.
Which led me to remembering the question: "Will you let Jesus serve you too?"
And as He finished washing my left foot and was going on to wash the right, I couldn't help but to feel so ashamed but I let Him do it.
When He looked up at me, His face was so bright I couldn't see His features. But He looked so ordinary and familiar, and He told me that I was once again clean and pure and my identity was a child of the Most High God.
That when He came to visit me, the whole land was filled with such a brilliant light and it was deemed as blessed. So much so that demons that lived in secret corners in houses and people's minds fled their fastest to the furthest ends of the earth - and all this was done because He came to comfort me.
I don't think it was a vision but I do reckon it was something that was done in the spiritual realm that reminded me of His love and ability to lead me by serving me.
I know it was not of my own imagination because after I opened my eyes, I felt a peace and a hope in the One who fights for us. And I was smiling.
Nothing that you do can make Him love you more/
and nothing that you do can make Him close the door/
Because of His great love, He gave His only Son/
And everything was done so you would come.
I've never understood why people ask for 'mercy' before their kings and queens.
Why do they want to demonstrate even more selfishness by existing and hang on to their own mortal life if they know their wretchedness cannot save them both physically and morally anymore?
It's been a long time since I've entered a time of prayer, and I run back to Him all the time because of my sin. I don't ask for mercy, I just want to know He accepts my Sorry.
I can't forget what Claire told me last New Year's Eve: He forgives you but He was angry at that point in time when you sinned.
Anger is not a common attribute of God and it scares me. Yet, although He is the One who disciplines, He is also the One who chooses to have mercy on me.
As I was saying my usual "sorry"s with my eyes closed, I suddenly saw Him walking into my room towards me. He bent down and He started to wash my feet.
And He was silent, and He was gentle.
Which led me to remembering the question: "Will you let Jesus serve you too?"
And as He finished washing my left foot and was going on to wash the right, I couldn't help but to feel so ashamed but I let Him do it.
When He looked up at me, His face was so bright I couldn't see His features. But He looked so ordinary and familiar, and He told me that I was once again clean and pure and my identity was a child of the Most High God.
That when He came to visit me, the whole land was filled with such a brilliant light and it was deemed as blessed. So much so that demons that lived in secret corners in houses and people's minds fled their fastest to the furthest ends of the earth - and all this was done because He came to comfort me.
I don't think it was a vision but I do reckon it was something that was done in the spiritual realm that reminded me of His love and ability to lead me by serving me.
I know it was not of my own imagination because after I opened my eyes, I felt a peace and a hope in the One who fights for us. And I was smiling.
Nothing that you do can make Him love you more/
and nothing that you do can make Him close the door/
Because of His great love, He gave His only Son/
And everything was done so you would come.
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