en kratos

Often, I forget to remember the trees

Are for me. 

All of creation is active; it 

Roars the mighty chorus, singing

"Holy, holy, holy is the Lord!"

Even in the stillness,

I still fail to be still. 

Sit down again with me, Lord

These green pastures are Yours. 

--

"Jesus started a revolution when he said the word 'Abba'. By starting a prayer with the word 'Father', He changed everything." - Jonathan David Helser

There are times when I wonder: what if I got pregnant? How would my father react? I live in a sex-saturated world, and I am often influenced and tempted. But I've been warned, and I don't trust condoms, just saying. 

This is me thinking from the standpoint of an adult. I'm old enough to know what not to do; I'm responsible to myself, my own body and the people around me. 

But when I start thinking of myself as a child in the presence of God, everything changes. The 'what if' fades. To know that he loves me much more than my deepest failures is enough for me. 

This is probably one of the reasons why we, as Christians, can relate to the children of Narnia. They are called to be kings and queens even in their youth and again and again as they return, older, because Aslan's, or in this case, Jesus' reign, is everlasting to everlasting. 

"And that's our position in warfare; to sit with him in heavenly places, and go and breathe on an army that's sleeping and see the sons and daughters wake up." (J.D.H.)

But before this happens, there must be discipline, or a sort of perseverance. Before soldiers go to war, they don't enter without having prepared first.

Without discipline, there is no self-control. The last fruit of the Spirit is self-control, something that jumps out at me every time I read the passage in Galatians. Perhaps it's because I don't see the ability in myself to practice it, and it's also because I'm being self-reliant. But I'm only beginning to see that it's not a virtue or a state I can immediately achieve. It's a fruit. It takes time to grow; it manifests and is produced to reflect His glory. And everything that is projected back onto the Father also comes from Him. Think of ourselves as vessels, but also as people who serve with delight, with joy. This is something I've been struggling with after my baptism: to delight in him. I've gone back to things that are afraid of being exposed by the light, and I'm addressing them now in this reflection. Gotta catch myself, yknow?

From John 15:5-6:

Jesus said "I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. If you do not remain in me, you are like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned." (NIV)

The word 'self-control' or 'egkrateia' [Greek] is derived from two other Greek words— 'en' and 'kratos'. 

'En' means "in" and 'kratos' means "strength" or "power." (www.ucg.org) 

"In power." The rhetorical question that pops into my head next is: Whose power?

Well duh, in God's, of God's. The word 'self' stands out as well, and is rooted in identity. For the Christian, it always goes back to who he/she is in Christ. I wrote a post on the lyric 'I' that was taught in CW2030 Poetry - with every 'I', there is an implied 'you'. 

Self.

What if I started thinking of the word self in relation to others, or rather, the other? That One Other. The One I Already Know, the One Who Gets the Glory (despite my failure), that Perfect Love who drives out all fear. 

The Father. 

Daughter (I) <---> Father (You, from whom 'I' come from, in whom 'I' am loved.)

Doesn't that change everything?

And ladies, it's better to know that you're a daughter of the King who values you so much more than to go out on a date with someone who preferred it if you weren't "so Christian". He ain't worth your time, ain't worth spending that #flawless heart on him. 

self-love

I had the sudden urge to prick my finger

To bleed out poetry on the page.

This was real, but I couldn't find a pin. 

Don't think of me, don't associate me with things you've recently discovered.

I'm sorry I'm not fully present.

It's only because I can't be

Swamped with Love

I'm officially 21 as of the 30th of November!
This marks another year gone by, which feels strange since the academic year starts in September and ends in December. June feels like it was ages ago, like it was 2013, when I was still working at Sitting In Pictures, thinking of what university was going to be like.
I can't believe that I'll be going home in a few days, back to see the faces I love so much. And just to spend time with them, to enjoy their company over great food.

It's 2 in the morning and I want to cry - but it's because I'm filled with so much joy.
Because Facebook makes us more judgmental, I tend to skim past the posts that go "oh I'm so grateful for this and that". I take things for granted all the time, and I haven't actually had the chance to properly thank the people around me and most of all, God, for His faithfulness.
I say "thank you" everyday - but to feel it. To feel it is a whole different thing.
Because it makes me want to reciprocate. It makes me want to do something for you, to honour what you've done for me - and the frustrating and most unreasonable thing is that there's nothing you can do to make people or God love you more. That's favour right there.
You get me, I'm so grateful I could burst.

"Pre-baptism selfie"

Also, I got baptised yesterday (I HAD A BAPDAY, geddit geddit) and as I was led to fall

backwards into the water, time stopped. I could see the water rushing towards me even as my eyes were closed, and it was the most beautiful form of healing I had ever experienced. I know how relaxing it is to lie in a warm bath, okay. This was different. Coming back up from the surface, there was a breaking out of tongues from within, and I just took comfort in the fact that getting baptised was the best thing I could do. Like Nikki said, "When I said baptism feels like marriage, I literally just realised then that today was more important than my wedding day." 

I guess I was excited.

I mean, W.O.W.

Homies and I celebrated over Runnymede Chicken after :")

I feel like I'm entering a season of restoration and dayum, does it feel FRESH. Even as I write all this, I forget that these posts are also prayers, (considering that my previous post was basically my cry for help) and I'm realising a lot of things within this stream of consciousness. I use the words "I realise" a lot. That's because I am literally REALISING A LOT as I write. But more importantly, I'm conscious of the fact that these thoughts are also inspired by God's Spirit (though I definitely make the decision to get all vulgar and sad and I push these good thoughts away sometimes). A simple thought that blew my mind just seconds ago was this:

God has been the most faithful friend throughout it all.

It feels funny to think of God as a friend. My relationships with people are very defined - especially with my father. It's strange to think of my dad as a friend. It's probably because it's an unspoken thing, and come to think of it, my dad is actually one of my bestest friends evaaar. I mean, we ate expired chocolate together and swore, "you die, I die". That's friendship, ...right? Ok back to the point. I want to say that throughout these three months, and like every season in life, there have been highs and lows - and I mean really high highs and pretty deep, low lows. But every single step of the way, at every milestone, God gave me a group of girlfriends (mah baes) from the start till finish and as I was sitting on the toilet just now (enjoying a poo), I couldn't even fathom the amount of emotional support they've given me. I sat there thinking: I'm actually SWAMPED WITH LOVE from everywhere; from above and all around! I get that some friends don't journey with us forever. But man, this was one hell of a journey, even over the span of three months. And shit happens at uni, we all know that. Things pass by us so quickly; we can't keep tab on everything that happens and on why things happen. But these angels stop to make me think, to make me see that my time spent with them will be what I miss the most after I graduate.

Then it suddenly hit me that the one person I felt I was most faraway from has fulfilled his promise from afar: Christ drew near to me while I felt the driest, and even then, I kept trying. And you don't get how crap I am at even trying. It's literally the tiniest effort where I just flop down onto my bed and ask God whywhywhy and please save me and Father I'm tired of life - then boom, I'm asleep. But the whole drawing near to Him thing was a prayer I didn't know I had been focusing on and which, strangely, had also been a theme that kept popping up at Ascot Life for weeks. James 4:8 says, "Come near to God and he will come near to you." Why did I ever doubt that You wouldn't do that for me?

Through all this, He has shown me that

He is a God who journeys with us. 

And we need to choose who journeys with us. Yesterday morning, David, Nikki and I sat to talk. "You have to be careful with who you get close to; they can either be a huge blessing or cause you a lot of emotional pain. The best relationships start from friendship." Yeah. I kept nodding.

From Exodus 14:

"And I will harden Pharaoh's heart, and he will pursue them. But I will gain glory for myself through Pharaoh and all his army, and the Egyptians will know that I am the Lord." 

"The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still."

Today in Physical Theatre, Dick said, "torn muscles take time to heal." Mm. I am not afraid of Pharaoh and his hardened heart or of the armies that might come against me, because my heart is made out of flesh. I am not afraid of the crap that I've let in, because even though I feel it and it lingers, it is no longer evil, and it is not longer toxic. All because my heart is made out of flesh: and the One who owns it is fiercely jealous for me; ferocious in might; strong in love; joyful and bright as the morning sun. This was a great birthday/bapday, because it wasn't about me. He gets all the glory in the end. ...I just got goosebumps, eep!

21st Party: E is for Ezzat is for Effort

November has definitely been the craziest month out of all three this term. (December doesn't count. I'm practically in holiday mode already.) And the good that came out of it all was worth it in the end. It was exhausting - but God's never late! I need to remember that and stop being so impatient all the time........ Amidst all these God-centered events, I also threw a pretty wild 21st Underwater-themed party! Met cool new people and MY BEST SG REPRESENT PARTY POSSE TURNED UP WITH SO MANY PRESENTS and I swear there was a point in time when everyone was just chanting "SINGAPORE, SINGAPORE, SINGAPORE" hahahaaa. I remember knocking out for awhile (apparently it was 3 hours but it felt like 30 minutes to me) before I went back down, still drunk off my face, happily declaring that the party was over. I remember seeing + eating pineapple, lots and lots of it. Also, Georgie's water speakers were SO COOL. Added to the whole atmosphere - and everyone liked the jellyfish-inspired lantern that Nikki helped to decorate. The amount of Blutack that went into all this was NUTS. And everyone had fun!!! AND OH WOW THE AMOUNT OF ALCOHOL. WE STILL HAVE CANS OF BEER IN THE FRIDGE PLUS A WHOLE BOTTLE OF VODKA. ?!?!?! Surprised that our kitchen and living room turned out to be pretty good space for the amount of people that showed up. Shall throw another when I'm less broke. $$$

Hi Lamby <3

After-party breakfast

Mark's caption: "Home"

Okay goodnight and am PSYCHED for early morning poetry and all night long! Come watch Van Guard Poetry where I'll be performing three original poems, 7.30 PM, only at Medicine x