peace of mind

Soundtrack: peace of mind - the jezebels
To be titled Peace of Mind, after Hayley Mary who has way less of an ego than noisy ass Williams.

--

I'm writing again.
Ink that seeps through the next page
Choosing the wrong pen, making the right mistake
My love is a bloodied river, with
Horses that rear their ugly heads
Charging me with a crime when I crowned you saint
Saint of my life, my all
When I lathered your face with my hair and saw you through
My perfume
My scent, my crown of glory
Here I am again writing you my sad poetry
That you never asked to read
Where "worship" was the word you skipped
Never sought to understand, never did find me
And I waited to be queen
Over a kingdom I lusted for
With a ruler I still adore

I sit here upon the throne I saved for myself,
The one true heir to my own joy, my happiness
But Loneliness is my advisor;
Your ghost cuts my hair
So I let these dead things grow
I let these old feelings fester
How could I have been serving two masters?

My people trudge the city like zombies
Hungry for fresh, wet, pink, meat
Ready to serve, to bow in defeat
To gorge on what's left:
They don't know how to wait.
They don't howl for me the way they do for you
Hurling their decay on your towering gates;
Borders we set up to kick them out, to separate
When I said I never want to see you again
When you said you had already lost me to the wind
So we hung our heads in honour of the pain -
But you were the prayer I prayed
The thief of all my days
How could a relationship not involve sex,
When conditional love was my finest asset?

My people, they don't remember the scent of my perfume
So now tell me, how may I get to you?

--

After I wrote this, I came back to my best friend telling me: "Jesus will never shortchange you." What a night.

For a little while

For a little while in my life,
I gave my heart to a coward
Whose heart wasn't big enough to fit mine

For a little while in my life,
I let my body love another
Whose owner left after it was satisfied

For a little while in my life,
I said Lord, I hate you
And wrote an angry poem that
Got me into university

For a little while in my life,
I fell in love with someone like you
And it was the most confusing 'little while' ever.

tonight i cried so hard that both my thighs felt the sadness of my soul and started hurting too

i wrote about you

I awake everyday in hopes of something
to write about/ about our love, perhaps
about funny loss about your cross
that i made you bear/ but you didn't
fall like i thought you would
fall for Him? fall for me?
maybe, just maybe, my mother is right,
fanatic is the word
but let me be obssessed till the end of time
the time i set aside, time i take to contemplate
in the dead of night
and womb of the morning light
how golden you truly are
when we go deep;
when we take the plunge
into each other's heart
you left a shard of love in me
should it be expunged
or should we
leave it there to let it
love me again?

I think I'm actually pissed off because I'm not supposed to be doubling as a producer.

Something good

Today something bad happened.
Today I burnt my hand after spilling boiling soup all over it.
I know it was boiling, because I saw a bubble pop in the bowl.
So after I left Place A where my hand got hurt, I, with bloodshot eyes, went to meet my mum at Holland Village.
As we stood outside Cold Storage, she looked at me quietly for awhile then asked, "Do you want to eat chicken wing? Four ninety-nine for five."
I almost cracked into a smile but realised that would've been very strange, so I shook my head and turned away. All I can say in my defense is that the reaction was natural to both of us eg. 1) I turn away 2) she does not get offended. It's probably due to the fact that we have an abrasive, love-hate mother and daughter relationship.

Before this very cute thing happened, I was furious.
I thought that my expectation of my mother was pretty acceptable (I think it's fine to expect, since she's your parent right?) I simply expected her to just pick me up from Place A and drive me home with her.
Then after I told her I had burned my hand though it wasn't the physical I was upset about but rather the emotional, she sent me texts that were unfortunately, off tangent.
Though I can safely say that the incident was very short-lived and it did not cause much suffering between her and I.
I realised that when my mum makes 'mistakes' like that, I have to give her another chance.
I have to let go of my expectations of her, even though it's perfectly normal to have them, and know that she tries to make me feel better or even compensate for how she misunderstood me before.
All through my bawling, my head went: I try so hard, why can't you see me trying?
Now as I look back, I think my mum has been trying all her life.
"I burn, I break, I try to do right."

She also gave me stellar advice when we met.
What I love about my mother is that she reserves her pride for her own sake when she has to.
Perhaps that is something I have to learn, since the both of us are quite similar in terms of being quite self-sacrificing when it comes to matters of the heart. And sometimes we do it wrongly, but the motive is there.

Today I feel that I am past misunderstanding my mama.
I'm happy that the incident happened.