shiver

I think this moment where I'm having this feeling should be recorded down in remembrance of it.

So hello
I am 17
I have mixed emotions
Like mixed rice
I don't know if I should laugh or cry about it
So I'm choosing to get angry about it

Anyway
Bet my period's coming
'Animal' was good
mm. that is all.

what we have is

like rainbow colored trout
making their way down streams of glistening turquoise,
with scales made out of mirrors,
and lips that kiss like a princess'
like reckless black adders
chasing our dreams down pale moonlit roads,
slithering amongst the yellowest of caramel buttercups,
whistling us their lullabies -
i love it all
i won't give it up for anything in this world
the world is nothing to me,
nothing at all.

love and affection

There are only so few people I live for.
And they all matter, yes they do, very very much.

:/

hi

i am terrified of

the roads

the winds

the evening air that hangs,

low and thin

(like the heart 

it beats strong, beats numb)

makes breathing harder

makes my pacing

go

so

slow

the details that unfold

before my eyes

helpless, yes

content, no

i am terrified

and i am running

i won't stop

my eyes are fixed

they are tired though

Square One

I awake to a new day

I awake with

Head reeling, chest burning

Eyelids holding up

Pupils pushing, pushing

I see her in the mirror

Pushing, pushing
Back, back, back
Then Wipe the dreams away from your eyes
Dreams you have long forgotten
Get through the washing up
Breathe with every movement
GO

Leave the house an older person
The same old music

The same old fingers
Same old bravery

Same old, same old...
But these breasts feel brand new
With the remains of life surging through
It hurt
But it hurt good.

Hear things that pierce the morning air

Sit and touch 

Red chopsticks

Necessary for consumption, for survival

Beige and stark painful yellow
And it screams into your eyes

Like the truth

(Does it set you free?)

Slowly and surely

Images and words charge and wage war
In your head

A conflagaration; glitter and dust
They are the little things
They are the best things

Like what we are made out of
Like what God did not allow

And then,

There is no 

More

More, more

The same old, same old
Feel your feet on grey carpet
(I remember the colours)
Concrete feet that tread on water
Drowning, drowning
Pushing, pushing
Fuck.

Square one, 

Square one.

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(5)
Agapimu Allelios: To Love One Another With His Love

I cannot help but say that God has given me such wonderful and thoughtful friends. Birthday bagel: Bridget and I were in school when we took this photo on the mac:) Bridget+Kelly bought me my favourite Starbucks bagels with cream cheese, a whole bag of fruit (to help me along on my diet) and ironically, Kelly gave me a whole basket of chocolatey goodness and japanese bowls :)

My theatre mates definitely remembered and the presents+birthday hugs they gave me were lovely as well! Cami made small clay figurines of Oscar Wilde and his works for me. I can’t stop looking at the details on the figurines and thinking about the effort she put in! I am loved and appreciated very dearly, yes I am.

So I went to St. Andrew’s Village to attend pre-camp on my birthday and it was as if God had planned my birthday personally - because my churchies surprised me with a cake, sang HAPPY BIRTHDAY and made me wear a shiny floppy cap as I stood there shocked with a :O face! And the next minute I knew, I had tears in my eyes. I felt so darn loved. 

“We bought you a fruit cake because we know you’re on a diet!” - Nicole :D

<3

Worship Practice

This is my group TOLA. We have a kickass cheer, won all our day games, won first for Night Games and had lotsa yoghurt during External Games - and I have to say that God’s grace really came upon this group throughout these four days. Morning Devotions was a time that I will never forget. 

Never forgetting these babes especially Claire, who has been such an encouraging friend and amazing listener.

J1s: I’ll never know how much God loves us - it cannot be explained nor fathomed, only felt with our hearts.

Now I don’t know what to do and I don’t wanna go back to school.

I come back blessed by God through our BRMC YOUTH DEC CAMP 2010. This camp had a prayer room set aside for us and I visited it on the third day of camp. There, God spoke to me in the most gracious, most gentlest whisper my heart has ever known. He told me to surrender, to let go and all will be set right again. Right then and right there, all I had to do was to cry out to Him, sit at His feet to be quiet and listen. To listen. And I whispered “Abba” over and over again and His Spirit ministered to me in a way that made me cry - not out of sorrow but tears of joy for the first time in my life. I put my hand on my heart and said to myself “Liling, I love you”. And I don’t have to fear any longer because the Lord is sovereign over every situation that seems to be larger than life. 

Nah-uh, the Lord is greater than all our circumstances and provides His Word and Spirit to be with us through the valley of the shadow of death.

Lifeng prayed for me. “And Liling, sometimes you don’t see the light because, well, maybe there is no light. But God promises to provide His rod and staff that will guide you through the dark valley. And you can choose to hold onto it but if you don’t, then, it’s gonna be more painful lah.” 

God has taught me to be obedient and it is true that when we disobey God, it is painful for us. He has taught me to tolerate others and to love them because after all, Judas betrayed Jesus with a kiss. And Kristen reminded me that if I am walking hand in hand with Pain, Jesus has suffered the ultimate death and taken on my stripes. 

How can I stand here and not be moved by You, O Lord?

(2 months ago)

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(6)

dear you:

they say us on horseback and centaurs will never scream green murder

but mind you,

that my throat is sore and my arrow’s aim is wrong:

it is in every direction that you throw my heart towards

and when you asked me why

all i wanted to do was try

but reciprocation does not come

with the safest certainty my heart longs for

you are

all that i’ve ever known, all that i’ve ever wanted

but i will not say it

because you do not see me

the way i see you.

i test the waters and i dip my feet into you-

icicles break and my blood churns

please will you just

pick me, choose me, love me

already?

(2 months ago)

--

(7)

You see all my Light and you Love my Dark.

Many times we try to be someone else. We search for our identities in pretty faces and that golden, diamond-studded personality because we don’t want to be labelled as ‘Normal’ or ‘Ordinary’. Horrid, rigid, heavy, porcelain Masks. We even take the time to plan how we’re going to react to certain situations because we want to come off as strong, emotionally secure people.

Then maybe we’ll glow with a charm that will sweep everyone off their feet when we walk down the hallway at school. Then maybe we’ll gain more acceptance and friends. But all I’ve really wanted to do is break down and cry.

What I’ve been shown throughout October is that I can be entirely myself - and people will love you for who you are if you accept yourself for who you are, even in your weakest state. Having no regrets about who you are. Presenting yourself as “Hey this is me, take it or leave it. Either way, I’m still gonna be here for you.” 

Me + Van<3

Me + Kel + Shawn + Lyn

Belle + Char + Cara + Me

Kelly + Me + Bridget <3

People want real friends. I want real friends. I’m someone who has to be reassured over and over again so I look to my close friends to ask them for advice when hanging out with new people. And all that they’ve got for me is “You look fine. Absolutely fine. Don’t worry!” And I believe them with all my heart.

The words “Fine” and “Don’t worry” are small but they carry such important weightage that if you hear them over and over again, you may actually find yourself walking out of that venomous mindset of insecurity. Because worrying is equivalent to lacking in faith and giving credit to mountains of doubt. And doubt is what hinders us from moving forward to scaling new heights in our lives. 

Bacon + Junhao + Me + Quan + Jon (my band, What Bunnies Do <3)

Well, I’ve wanted this to be a post without God in it but that’s impossible because His fingerprints are marked on every minute speck of creation everywhere I turn. And I see the Lord in every problem - He is in every solution and His Spirit rings and resonates ever so wonderfully in the word “Grace”.

And grace has picked me up every time I beat myself up or try to take my own life. Every time I feel inadequate, I see His grace moving and working in my life. Grace has enabled me to shine as a thespian and it has provided me with so much love and support from the people around me.

Harsha + Me + Ziying

(Almost) Everyone in Theatre <3

Because it is grace (undeserved favour) that has saved mankind from the Devil’s condemnation. It is grace that has given me real friends in Theatre Compass and even provided me with a group of Christian friends in my Music Appreciation module without my knowledge. It is grace that gets us home every day of the week. And whether you see it or not when you have a bad day, His favour and love whispers its stark, sheer reality everywhere we go. 

(8)

yknow what:

i don’t wanna be someone who stops dreaming big things, ever

i don’t ever wanna dismiss these reckless waves of madness that occasionally crash upon me and the people around me 

i don’t ever wanna give in to the social norm or be someone who looks back at her mistakes and slaps the girl i was before 

kill that mindset: i will not regret what i have done wrong in - it has made me WHO I AM

i won’t lose myself just bcos the world thinks i’m nuts

i’ll go nuts and be absolutely ridiculous if i want to (fuckyeah)

i’ll be hot red and striking neon yellow, i’ll be your deepest indigo and your most terrifying black

i am made this way with imperfection and vigour rushing through my veins, therefore I AM.

(5 months ago)

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(8)

I Don’t Need To See It To Believe It:

“I am convinced that there is no other and that if the world has indeed, as I have said, been built of sorrow, it has been built by the hands of Love, because in no other way could the soul of man, for whom the world was made, reach the full stature of its perfection.”

— De Profundis by Oscar Wilde

A friend typed on MSN that “we are our own gods.”

If we are our own gods, why can’t we hold ourselves together? Why can’t we save this warring world?

Why do we break down, why do we fail, why do we get depressed or commit suicide?

Why do we kill, fall on our knees and with a parched mouth and dry tongue scream to the Heavens in our distress - feeling so cornered everywhere we turn that somehow we consider what we have never considered before - to cry out to a God that we cannot see?

And he said that “that’s because we can’t maintain ourselves.”

Then there must be a Repair Station. There must beRestoration and Renewal. A drive that keeps us going. A drive with a Purpose. 

Then there must be a Light that never goes out, that saves us even though we’ve fallen to the depths of the earth - even if we have, He is there.

Sometimes I find it hard to believe that His Love can cleanse us whiter than the snow - and as Oscar Wilde writes that Christ was “a Lover for whose love the whole world was too small.”

But I have tasted and I have seen - not with the tongue or my eyes but with the Spirit that I have received: the Spirit that is at the core of my soul, that moves to “the rhythm of Your grace”; the Spirit that breathes in the beautiful fragrance and knowledge of Christ being my hope, shelter and reward in this broken world. 

The Spirit that burns within me with the realisation that a little sparrow’s breast rises and falls - it breathes with the God-given gift of Life!

Have we not noticed that our intellect is higher than allthe animals and creatures of this earth?

Have we not realised that with the witnessing of evil spirits that there is also a God?

Have we not experienced an emptiness in our souls that longs for a Love that is faithful, that sees us through all the storms in Life? And as we find it - our spirits rejoice because we have found it; we are Complete.

It is the Spirit that speaks forth the truth, that convicts us of sin which then lets us understand the situation we are in and finally peels off the scales from our eyes to let us see that our hardened hearts and pride hinder us fromsurrendering and receiving the beautiful gift of Salvation. To even say that Salvation is beautiful is an UNDERSTATEMENT. Salvation is the very solution to our problem. My soul could faint and even kill to be cleansed of the sin that has marred the very flesh of Christ - the sin that has devoured me and thrown me into a rut and just to have Jesus reach out to save me: it is indescribable.

To be saved and freed from condemnation: the word ‘condemnation’ rings in my head and sends chills through my entire body… It is Salvation that the world has been searching for: that Wilde himself knew existed but turned his back against it (he worshipped material things and believes that spirituality can come only from his creating and not of external things). 

And there is no place too far off where God cannot find us.

Not even in the sickest thoughts or the darkest corners of our hearts and minds.

Because He is the God who saves, the God who renews old souls and the God who provides breakthroughs - He who brings the morning light when the night has been too much for us to bear.

“Your light broke through my night; restored exceeding joy.”

How great You are.

(4 months ago)

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(9)

“All art is quite useless.”

I have been studying De Profundis by Oscar Wilde over a span of six hours and found many philosophies that I agreed and, inevitably, disagreed with. I read the first half of it last night and I started crying like mad in front of the computer screen because of my fascination at his tragic life. Today I stood in the shower thinking about how I had first reacted with disgust to the truth about Wilde’s perverse relations in the Victorian underground. Then I saw the love that Christ had displayed through the cross and remembered that even Wilde himself understood and wrote that the world is made as much for everyone as it is made for him. That Christ loved all - and he himself couldn’t deny that fact. Wilde wrote: “Society takes upon its right to inflict appalling punishment on the individual, but it also has the supreme vice of shallowness, and fails to realise what it has done.” “But while Christ did not say to men, ‘Live for others,’ he pointed out that there was no difference at all between the lives of others and one’s own life.” So I told myself, “Never again shall I judge a person that way.” Because unfortunately, I too, have the capability and competency to do the things Wilde did in secret behind the prying eyes of society. We’re all human. And that opens up my eyes to insight and the depth of the verse that has been picked for December Camp, 1 John 1:7-8 which says “Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.” Yet I cannot help but smite how Wilde wrote that Christ’s secret was using “imaginative sympathy” - it is as if saying Christ was a thespian or artist who used imaginative sympathy to twist situations to his own advantage, to gain the sinner’s soul! It is as if he was saying “As a thespian who is considered successful upon moving the audience to tears when he portrays a character that is drowned in despair, so was Christ successful in using imaginative sympathy - which is the secret to capture the heart of the world.” It’s like saying Christ’s empathy was fake. In this way, Wilde did not fix his eyes upon the problem: that the sinner could find no way to be saved - besides what Christ had done at Calvary and that Christ was fully Man and fully God. If Wilde could not understand himself and led his own self headfirst into tragedy, how much more could he understand God who is Spirit and the Maker of the universe? God’s ways cannot be fathomed by our tiny mind. Oh well. Still, he was a true aesthete, the best of his kind:) Wilde died on my birthday (30 November) in the year 1900. I really do admire his brilliant mind:) Do read De Profundis if you can!

(4 months ago)

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Tumblr Posts #1

(1) Coz when we see You, we find strength to face the day       


      

Here’s a peek into today’s escapade.

So I served as a backup singer for worship today. On the bus home, I thought about how far I have come serving as Backup Vocals after I stepped down as a worship leader two years ago. I stepped down because it didn’t feel right. I felt angry at myself and I couldn’t swallow the cold, hard fact that my life then wasn’t one a worship leader should have led. But in the end I let down my walls and I guess God started to mould me. It hurt, but we are refined through flames right:) Today I received a compliment and I felt super humbled to be used this way for God’s work. Truly, everything will be made beautiful in His time if we don’t rush it.

As Stacie Orrico once sang “will my scars forever ruin all God’s plans? Is He not strong enough? Is He not pure enough? To break me, pour me out then start again?”

So normally after worship sessions, we have debriefs that let us analyse how the worship sessions for 8.30 and 10.30 services went. I always leave debriefs feeling so encouraged and blessed to be in a ministry that is so sensitive and in tune with God’s will for its direction. Every debrief is always so personal and I’m thankful for our leaders who take the time to listen to what we have to say individually.

It struck me that worship could’ve been way better if I had only focused on God more instead of pleasing the congregation. I should’ve placed focusing on God as my priority and the congregation will naturally worship as we lead them. In everything we do, we live to God, not Man right:) 

“He who regards one day as special does so to the Lord. He who eats meat, eats to the Lord, for he gives thanks to God; and he who abstains, does so to the Lord and gives thanks to God. For none of us lives to himself alone and none of us dies to himself alone. If we live, we live to the Lord; and if we die, we die to the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord.”

Dean said that our expectations of how well or how lousily we play in the worship band will always be there. And that we shouldn’t focus on our failures. The point is to have the humility to acknowledge the fact that God the Maker was the one who gave us these talents and He already knew when we were going to fall - yet He assures us that He will always be there to catch us, to support us whenever we falter. It’s all part of His plan. His perfect plan. To just even appreciate God for creating us as we are, that we are what He intended us to be.

“For the Scripture says to Pharaoh: “I raised you up for this very purpose, that I might display my power in you and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth.”“

And that’s why I’m in awe of who God is.

Because He gives me the ability to forgive myself. Because He gives me the courage, the joy, which serves as my strength to face the day. Because there is no fear in perfect Love.

To know Your name Lord: The name that I can call out in a whisper at 4 in the morning when I’m scared to death, Your name is the miracle that’s just nanometres away, the name that’s what I hold onto for security when I encounter the ghosts in my head in the night. The name that commands demons to flee, the name that commands angels to be in our midst. And I’m your child? That’s crazy, Lord. How can we ever fathom Your love Lord. 

Seriously, you can take my world but please just give me Jesus.


(5 months ago)
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(2)

I named my tumblr ‘easy lust’ to remind myself that finding my true Love will always be the hardest to do - and that job is up to God.

Lust has been too easy. Too… superficial. Available.

I’ve always wanted to live the teenage dream, I still do. Find a secret place and enjoy your first sloppy kiss with relish. Lie down beside each other listening to indie rock or punk rock. Get matching tattoos. Us both being sixteen/17/18/19 and doing whatever we want and most importantly…understanding each other completely.  

Yknow, I’ve always wanted that something more. Something like that, that holds value. Someone that will be my reward only through trusting the Lord and not rushing His timing. Someone He picks; whose name is to be written in my history. And through this desire, I choose to surrender.

After nights and nights of wishing and praying that He’ll give me someone to love - I forgot that He will always be my first love. After crying, even, because I’ve been feeling so deprived since everyone has had their fair share of love - but He’s the only one who can fill that hole.

And after being rejected for my imperfections and (yes I’ll be honest) boyish ways… I have realised that God = Love. Who makes me feel complete. Perfect. Loved.

I hope someone like that comes soon.

But in the meantime, I shall try to stop complaining about how long this person will be taking to come into my life.

Because when you “turn Your eyes upon Jesus; look full in His wonderful face, (and) the things of the world will grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace.” 

“Come, as a bridegroom for Your bride,

Come and take me to Your side

I surrender Lord to Your arms open wide

Won’t You come? In the glory of a King

While I worship You and sing

You alone are worthy

Take your bride, Lord Jesus Christ my King”

(5 months ago)

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(3) “The best part of BeLIEve is the lie”

Shanice and I talked about rock ‘n roll during Theatre yesterday.

And I saw another dimension of Pete Wentz and this genre of music.

Shanice told me that Pete Wentz is one of the most down-to-earth and even humble rock stars who writes lyrics that are pure poetry. And I couldn’t agree more when she said Placebo and FOB are bands that have the richest lyrics. “Say, your head could be a prison, then these are just conjugal visits.”

And rock ‘n roll music is written by the nicest people around. David Grohl was a subject that was definitely brought up:) Cos rockstars have time for people. Rockstars aren’t filled to the brim of their heads with fame or fortune. They recognise the fact that they’re people, just like us. Screw off Lady Gaga. 

I am now eating milk with honey cereal.

(5 months ago)

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(4)

I am beautiful, no matter what they say

I was thinking about what Kelly said. “I don’t know why I love her, is it because she’s my Mom or do I really love her for who she is as a person?”

Yknow all my life

I’ve been tolerating

And I’m gonna continue I guess, she’s my Mom

When I typed these three words [she’s my Mom] it makes everything harder and somehow now I can’t grasp the reason of why I love her at all

They say the Chinese will always be tied down by filial piety

Sure I’ll be a dutiful daughter but I wonder if she has ever looked at me as a person and seen me in a different light, I wonder if she realises how superficial her words can be sometimes and how they STICK ONTO MY HEART and I’ll never forget them for the rest of my life.

So we wait, and tolerate, and wait, and tolerate our whole life: when they break you, you just get up again and sometimes we verbalize it but sometimes we don’t because “it’s gonna blow off, she’s always like that”

Maybe my faith in the fact that someday something or someone will change isn’t worth holding onto. Maybe we gotta be independent and stop dreaming of the angels they once were.

Because over the year I’ve realised that I’m so tired of loving my mother

That when I told that to my cousin as we sat on a bench facing the sea, my eyes turned into water taps and everything just gushed out. I have never felt so vulnerable in my entire life because what I had felt: that was true hurt, that was pure exhaustion.

Is this wishful thinking? That parents are “the ones who protect us, who support us, who go to every ball game”

Where did this mindset of mine come from

America? is that it?

Then I must be so wrong, then reality seriously hurts.

Christina Aguilera once sang “I am beautiful, no matter what they say”

It’s just sad when she’s part of the ‘they’

Because. Just because. She’s my Mom.

So now I know why you’re indifferent - because you’re better off being that way, being numb to it all, being independent

—

It sucks when you live in the same house, when you live with people you look up to but yet, you can’t be beautiful enough for them.

Don’t fucking tell me that I’m being sensitive or that I’m over thinking shit - this makes up a part of my fucking self, my whole life and even what I’ll write in my essays. 

“This is the deep and dying breath of a love that we’ve been working on”

I’m just tired, I’m gonna hang on but I’m so tired Lord

Will You help me fix my gaze upon You, will You please help me rise above this

(5 months ago)

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TO BE CONTINUED

remember

Chinese New Year started off with a bang! ...then it went downhill from there.
This year I didn't feel like being here at all.
I think I've given up on many things.
Like how my own strength will never be enough and no matter how much I plan, some things are just not meant to be.
Like how I come across to many people as an open book but here I am, still desperately screaming with a dry tongue and exhausted voice to be understood and heard.

I've never been very good at expressing myself verbally.
I take so much time to piece my words together.
People tell me I present so well but they don't really know what's going on inside.
I am a heap of jumbled words, tangled and twisted so badly that it scares me.
I can't ever grasp any understanding of my bloody self but perhaps someone else can.

But do you know what the worst thing is?
It's when you've finally found that one person whose fingers were God-given to unravel this knot of a heart but just when you're just about to entrust it to their hands that you so readily assumed could hold you together, they drop everything completely.

And the pain creeps on you subtly. It doesn't hit you the way pot does - it's a process you go through every single day and you find that even your own faith turns against you because you start blaming God.
You wonder why didn't He ever let things happen the way you've always imagined it to be - because you've been giving people what they want but never having achieved anything YOU ever wanted.
Then they tell you "it's because you do not have the faith to believe in what He can do so you do not grow hands after they have been chopped off" but Proverbs 16:9 says "in their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes (determines) his steps".
Now there is no such thing as free will, is there?

But then again you trust God - you have to, because you know He loves you and knows what is best for you.
And blessings in disguise come along but you will never forget the 'if' and the way you were so in love and intrigued by the agenda of the night.
It's a paradox.
To have hopes but to be proved wrong in the end.
But as the persistent pessimist in me types these thoughts down, the idealist in me is far more determined to find answers.

Then I think about the philosophy of faith and it asks "why don't you just trust it?"
Revelation: I see fiery Pride lashing out its tongues of flames at me, burning my eyes, causing me to go blind.
I hear the aesthetes and the agnostics shout and urge, "Come! You rebels! Come!"
It is a thunderous roar that strikes the hearts of the faithless, of those whose questioning has let Pride itself get a foothold on them; it causes their blood to race because it is "the carpe diem religion" - they do not see beyond this temporariness or "focus their eyes on the immortal rose that Dante saw".

And here I am, staring at a pair of the most beautiful feet I have ever seen.
These feet, however, are not flawless. Blood of the darkest crimson trickle down their ankles and onto the toes.
Placed just a few inches in front of them is a pile of gunk with spit, poisoned black blood, rough stones and surprisingly, many individual drops of tears that shine like diamonds.
I see the devil crying out in disbelief as a pair of invisible hands scoop the gunk up and cover the feet.
His feet.

I surrender all.

ears / face / voice

Singaporean families don't listen enough.
I am not tied down by filial piety.
Call me rebellious, call me unfilial - nobody's words are golden.
It only boils down to what works.
Call me a perfectionist, call me a stubborn mule -
In the end, what matters is what works.

limbo

if i'm your drug, then you're my drug:)
and well, if i'm not your drug, you're still mine i guess.