Tumblr Posts #1

(1) Coz when we see You, we find strength to face the day       


      

Here’s a peek into today’s escapade.

So I served as a backup singer for worship today. On the bus home, I thought about how far I have come serving as Backup Vocals after I stepped down as a worship leader two years ago. I stepped down because it didn’t feel right. I felt angry at myself and I couldn’t swallow the cold, hard fact that my life then wasn’t one a worship leader should have led. But in the end I let down my walls and I guess God started to mould me. It hurt, but we are refined through flames right:) Today I received a compliment and I felt super humbled to be used this way for God’s work. Truly, everything will be made beautiful in His time if we don’t rush it.

As Stacie Orrico once sang “will my scars forever ruin all God’s plans? Is He not strong enough? Is He not pure enough? To break me, pour me out then start again?”

So normally after worship sessions, we have debriefs that let us analyse how the worship sessions for 8.30 and 10.30 services went. I always leave debriefs feeling so encouraged and blessed to be in a ministry that is so sensitive and in tune with God’s will for its direction. Every debrief is always so personal and I’m thankful for our leaders who take the time to listen to what we have to say individually.

It struck me that worship could’ve been way better if I had only focused on God more instead of pleasing the congregation. I should’ve placed focusing on God as my priority and the congregation will naturally worship as we lead them. In everything we do, we live to God, not Man right:) 

“He who regards one day as special does so to the Lord. He who eats meat, eats to the Lord, for he gives thanks to God; and he who abstains, does so to the Lord and gives thanks to God. For none of us lives to himself alone and none of us dies to himself alone. If we live, we live to the Lord; and if we die, we die to the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord.”

Dean said that our expectations of how well or how lousily we play in the worship band will always be there. And that we shouldn’t focus on our failures. The point is to have the humility to acknowledge the fact that God the Maker was the one who gave us these talents and He already knew when we were going to fall - yet He assures us that He will always be there to catch us, to support us whenever we falter. It’s all part of His plan. His perfect plan. To just even appreciate God for creating us as we are, that we are what He intended us to be.

“For the Scripture says to Pharaoh: “I raised you up for this very purpose, that I might display my power in you and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth.”“

And that’s why I’m in awe of who God is.

Because He gives me the ability to forgive myself. Because He gives me the courage, the joy, which serves as my strength to face the day. Because there is no fear in perfect Love.

To know Your name Lord: The name that I can call out in a whisper at 4 in the morning when I’m scared to death, Your name is the miracle that’s just nanometres away, the name that’s what I hold onto for security when I encounter the ghosts in my head in the night. The name that commands demons to flee, the name that commands angels to be in our midst. And I’m your child? That’s crazy, Lord. How can we ever fathom Your love Lord. 

Seriously, you can take my world but please just give me Jesus.


(5 months ago)
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(2)

I named my tumblr ‘easy lust’ to remind myself that finding my true Love will always be the hardest to do - and that job is up to God.

Lust has been too easy. Too… superficial. Available.

I’ve always wanted to live the teenage dream, I still do. Find a secret place and enjoy your first sloppy kiss with relish. Lie down beside each other listening to indie rock or punk rock. Get matching tattoos. Us both being sixteen/17/18/19 and doing whatever we want and most importantly…understanding each other completely.  

Yknow, I’ve always wanted that something more. Something like that, that holds value. Someone that will be my reward only through trusting the Lord and not rushing His timing. Someone He picks; whose name is to be written in my history. And through this desire, I choose to surrender.

After nights and nights of wishing and praying that He’ll give me someone to love - I forgot that He will always be my first love. After crying, even, because I’ve been feeling so deprived since everyone has had their fair share of love - but He’s the only one who can fill that hole.

And after being rejected for my imperfections and (yes I’ll be honest) boyish ways… I have realised that God = Love. Who makes me feel complete. Perfect. Loved.

I hope someone like that comes soon.

But in the meantime, I shall try to stop complaining about how long this person will be taking to come into my life.

Because when you “turn Your eyes upon Jesus; look full in His wonderful face, (and) the things of the world will grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace.” 

“Come, as a bridegroom for Your bride,

Come and take me to Your side

I surrender Lord to Your arms open wide

Won’t You come? In the glory of a King

While I worship You and sing

You alone are worthy

Take your bride, Lord Jesus Christ my King”

(5 months ago)

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(3) “The best part of BeLIEve is the lie”

Shanice and I talked about rock ‘n roll during Theatre yesterday.

And I saw another dimension of Pete Wentz and this genre of music.

Shanice told me that Pete Wentz is one of the most down-to-earth and even humble rock stars who writes lyrics that are pure poetry. And I couldn’t agree more when she said Placebo and FOB are bands that have the richest lyrics. “Say, your head could be a prison, then these are just conjugal visits.”

And rock ‘n roll music is written by the nicest people around. David Grohl was a subject that was definitely brought up:) Cos rockstars have time for people. Rockstars aren’t filled to the brim of their heads with fame or fortune. They recognise the fact that they’re people, just like us. Screw off Lady Gaga. 

I am now eating milk with honey cereal.

(5 months ago)

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(4)

I am beautiful, no matter what they say

I was thinking about what Kelly said. “I don’t know why I love her, is it because she’s my Mom or do I really love her for who she is as a person?”

Yknow all my life

I’ve been tolerating

And I’m gonna continue I guess, she’s my Mom

When I typed these three words [she’s my Mom] it makes everything harder and somehow now I can’t grasp the reason of why I love her at all

They say the Chinese will always be tied down by filial piety

Sure I’ll be a dutiful daughter but I wonder if she has ever looked at me as a person and seen me in a different light, I wonder if she realises how superficial her words can be sometimes and how they STICK ONTO MY HEART and I’ll never forget them for the rest of my life.

So we wait, and tolerate, and wait, and tolerate our whole life: when they break you, you just get up again and sometimes we verbalize it but sometimes we don’t because “it’s gonna blow off, she’s always like that”

Maybe my faith in the fact that someday something or someone will change isn’t worth holding onto. Maybe we gotta be independent and stop dreaming of the angels they once were.

Because over the year I’ve realised that I’m so tired of loving my mother

That when I told that to my cousin as we sat on a bench facing the sea, my eyes turned into water taps and everything just gushed out. I have never felt so vulnerable in my entire life because what I had felt: that was true hurt, that was pure exhaustion.

Is this wishful thinking? That parents are “the ones who protect us, who support us, who go to every ball game”

Where did this mindset of mine come from

America? is that it?

Then I must be so wrong, then reality seriously hurts.

Christina Aguilera once sang “I am beautiful, no matter what they say”

It’s just sad when she’s part of the ‘they’

Because. Just because. She’s my Mom.

So now I know why you’re indifferent - because you’re better off being that way, being numb to it all, being independent

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It sucks when you live in the same house, when you live with people you look up to but yet, you can’t be beautiful enough for them.

Don’t fucking tell me that I’m being sensitive or that I’m over thinking shit - this makes up a part of my fucking self, my whole life and even what I’ll write in my essays. 

“This is the deep and dying breath of a love that we’ve been working on”

I’m just tired, I’m gonna hang on but I’m so tired Lord

Will You help me fix my gaze upon You, will You please help me rise above this

(5 months ago)

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TO BE CONTINUED