i wanna hurt myself really bad

you can call me a flirt
but you don't know, you don't know.
i don't deserve that label.

It's kinda unexpected

I'm at the Convention Centre with my favourite girls now (wish Kelly was here tho) listening to Angus + Julia Stone.
Hana and Zan are sleeping, Elsa and Jed went off gallivanting.
I have never felt happier carrying good news in my heart
(OK I'm zooming back to class now BRB)

.....many hours later......

Wow it's 2:25 AM on the next day, Wednesday.
I'm back from crashing We Are Scientists + Neon Trees at Fort Canning Park. Sneaky stuff.
W.A.S. made my blood tingle. They were good company when I tried finding my way around alone.
Sometimes I'm bad at roads but tonight was especially tough bcos my glasses are broken and my eyes don't work very well for me.
Tyler Glenn was the epitome of charm up there + I have decided that he is the hottest storyteller alive. He should act in films. He could possibly gather a larger fan base than Jared Leto if he acted in Fight Club. But no one rocks sexy blonde hair the way Jared does.
Elaine Bradley's hair and energy wow-ed me throughout.
The company was gr8 and I'm psyched that Zany's going for Paramore with me as well!
Tonight we felt infinite.

Wow,,, I'm listening to Angus + Julia Stone now as well. I think it's my blogging music, besides Athlete which I have grown to love so much.
I grew teary as a gif of Ron looking at Hermione play the piano popped up on Tumblr.
And I wondered about the words "date someone totally wrong for you".
Why would anyone want to do that, and so what if they did?
Hearts obviously get broken through it all.
But maybe it's the trying part.
I still can't think of any excuse of why trying would make a difference though.
Trying isn't easy if it isn't meant to be...
Oh then Coldplay pops in my head with lyrics from The Scientist: "nobody said it was easy".
I also wonder if it's worth it being a risk taker and making effort.
Does the effort make your heart budge?
It feels like a no, but it seems like a yes, and I just cry and cry because I don't know.

Your words keep me sane, yknow that?
I don't know how but that conversation made me howl and smile at the same time.
Crazy, merry little Christmas I had there.
I think I'm drunk on you.
Sometimes I want to shout at you and other times I want to sit and cry very softly in front of you because I've never loved anyone this hard before and I don't know what to say, I don't know what to do about myself.
And I just want to see you but I don't want to either. I have my pride you know. And I've let it down so many times sigh if only you'd see me now while I can too.
Today Zany told me "he's a keeper" and I said "yeah I guess so".
Well, I meant it.
I wonder if I'm a keeper to you too.
I wonder a-lot at 2 in the morning.
I just want you to right this right, you know?
Yes you heard me, not wrong but right.
I'm so tired. But nobody lets go of something that isn't worth it.
You fight till the death and I shall be fierce for you.
Goodnight.

To get:

List of things I really want. Such a sanguine, IKR.

+ BLACK thick-heeled maryjanes
+ Glittery nail polish
+ OPI Matte BLACK nail polish
+ Leather Oxford pumps
+ More oxford green clothes
+ Some funky checkered boyfriend shirt
+ Braids in my hair
+ A curler
+ Canvas paper
+ bad stuff you resort to when down

"I'm superficial, whatever."
Hee.

Broken Lark (So What) lyrics

Line our faces with streaks of black

But please leave our bodies intact

More so than ever I'll give thanks at the church

Apply, make good of what I lack

Apply, make good of what we lack. 

There I go a broken lark,

Dancing in the eye of the storm

There I go with your love from afar

Cherished and bleeding 

Now we're on par

Sticks and stones may break my bones

But words will always hurt me

Sticks and stones may break my bones

But words will always fail me

Sticks and stones may break my bones

My song is broken

So what, so what

-

Meowww :)

A song isn't a song without its lyrics and I'll be more than happy to explain if you'd like to know why I wrote what I wrote! So thank you if you're viewing this page right now!

"Line our faces with black/ but please leave our bodies intact/ more so than ever I'll give thanks at the church" - Think tears and black liner. I think I wrote this as a request to God, to relieve us of physical pain (since our physical bodies literally keep us from falling apart) should he continue sending us trials and tribulations to crush us from the inside. 

I can't decide if I'm sincere or not when I sing 'I'll give thanks at the church' because it really represents the paradox I really am when it comes to praising Him when hit with adversity. But still, we only see change and allow ourselves to grasp hope when we are willing to 'apply' what we've learnt and I learn by making good of what I lack. 

'Make good of what we lack' - the 'we' here is directed to struggling lovers in broken relationships and I guess I have chased the root of my pain down to find lack in that aspect of my life.

'There I go a broken lark/ dancing in the eye of the storm', represents a sort of perversion that I myself and many people have. These two lines are an honest statement and the truth is, unfortunately, always awful. That some people frolick in their misery and they don't want to get up and out of there. But also, I believe that we find strength in our weakness, and I think people who are beaten down yet unashamed of their broken state are really brave. 

'There I go with your love from afar/ Cherished and bleeding/ Now we're on par' - I think this speaks of the relationships I have with people not only romantically but this applies to my family and friends as well. The way we recklessly seek revenge while hurting and I guess we're learning to embrace how bittersweet that can be. Stephen Chobsky: I am both happy and sad at the same time, and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be. 

The sticks and stones stanza should be pretty straightforward.

'My song is broken/ so what/ so what' - I sound angsty here! Hahaha but I guess I'm not ashamed of being who I am, and although a broken lark sings a broken song, it is appropriate and real.

Thank you for listening and I'm looking forward to writing longer songs (as Lizzy suggested). I have a whole stash of words just waiting to be sung and made known, I just need to put them together to form a theme/idea and create a tune to accompany it!

Love is for both the hurting and the strong.

xx,

sab

narnia

Tuesday afternoon and here i am, lazing on the bed in my favourite Boston pullover that smells like donut and Seth being as charming as ever.
Class got cancelled but i hope miss wee's mama is fine.
Seth is my new pet lion.

~

Actually Seth kinda looks like a wolf with a mane

The weather is pretty tame now.
i am relaxed. finally. it has been a long time since i've been pampered with an afternoon like this.
i can feel the dampness of my recently showered scalp against my pillow and my hair smells like Bobbi Brown liner.
the sunlight, the trees and the wind is perfect.
i finger the stretch marks on my stomach and i promise i will love my child more than my mother loves me now.
i will say words that build her (i want a daughter) up and i will never leave her to fight her battles alone when she needs me.
and i will let her run where she wants to but she can always come home and i will give her a home that lets her know she is loved and safe.
this i promise and this i will give to my future child.

 i have 2 hours ++ to write poems
i'll try here

--
i can feel the earth
and it breathes; it has a pulse
the soles of my feet soak into majesty
and it grows in me like a tree
but my fruit becomes black and dies

i can feel your eyes
and they observe but do not cry
the heat in my throat and heart break into your kiss
and it dies inside me like a broken lark
my fruit turns into glass and it shivers

come, tell me to be happy
and be impatient with me and drink from my alabaster jar of envy
come, and make me like you
force yourself into my dungeons
and slash my tongue until i speak the truth

please be violent with me
and please shake me until i moan
then let me wake up beside you
to prove that i am now grown

i can feel this gift
and it breathes; it has a pulse
my body bends and my skin drips
and it contains me like a mouse inside a snake
here my fruit becomes a lion
and runs off into Narnia, the land of conquer and dreams

and here i will chase only you
--

cinnamon buns at Simply Bread
here i come!!

Oh okay, I don't know but okay

Sometimes I just want to tell you no, you can't just leave me like that.

Many people have had to live without closure and I guess I'm one of those people.

You got through it without closure anyway.

Then again, I'm not like you.

Familiar night.

Where the breaking of my heart can only be heard through silence, and my hands wipe my face until I feel like my skin is going to tear off and these tired lids blink down hard.

The way they clank shut when I am looking at you.

Like taking secret photographs that turn into memories without you knowing.

I wish our eyes had camera functions.

Is chemistry built or is it just…there?

No, nothing defines you.

I don’t ask you to get this and watch that because you’ll seem cooler to me– I just don’t know what to talk about anymore. Why more like me and less like you, you ask. I wish I could be more like you but I’m selfish now. See, I’m self-centered now because once you refuse me, I refuse to be anything like you. But I still want you to talk to me.

(Wow, which you just did. And all we could talk about was… you convincing me to go sleep. Or at least try to sleep. See, the keywords are “me”, “try”, “sleep”. Me trying no, me sleeping not anytime soon. Me trying yes, me sleeping on this conversation right now. Me trying no, me missing everything we used to do yes. From heaven to hell and back to hell again and yes, all these I do with waterlogged eyes.) 

You make me run, make me hope, make me seek, make me sing, make me create- here I stop at create.

Conversation is so foreign now.

What are you, in a war?

Then you should include me in it.

Rain by Norah Jones

I've been admiring plus-sized models lately.

My love for Adele has not seized either.

Anyway.

Mmmm of course I'd like you to speak to me first,
Or send me a random text in the middle of the day.
Day(s).
These days where you know I probably haven't changed as much but still don't know when I'm sad.
I guess even so, I'm sad about the same things, this sadness has become permanent hahaha
Hey, I don't mean to make myself a victim of it.
But when you deny me my right to an adventure, like the one I wish I had with you, please don't judge what my heart feels - yes and please don't take me lightly either.
So the only thing that has been saving me is that I don't see any part of you in this Character Bible assignment I have to complete by Monday.
I do see myself in Amber though.
The way she confesses and oh hahaha we shouldn't hold onto silly things
The first cut is always the deepest, eh? :)

Been wondering if I’ve been too slow at mastering certain things

Swore I’d never let a grade affect me this way but it’s all caving in now :/

Getting a C on Content Production just made me realize how I can never answer questions the way I’m asked to do. How weak my grasp of structure is. Never really knew how to answer Math questions in secondary school.. but guess I never asked.

This time I did.

Said I ‘describe too much’ and that I should just ‘go straight into it’.

Well, okay. Of course I won’t have it her way. Then I start feeling inferior to people who did so much better than me. 

But I guess it's normal. After all, I have Shanice to remind me when I'm starting to have a pity party because I'm always there to remind her as well. Mutual love yo.
Writers have so much pride. 

Mmmm writers are actually stalkers. Only more poetic and career-minded.

So even though I have so much less of you right now, I've gained such tight friendship bonds at school.

Lose some, gain some. But here, I've gained alot.

I'll always love the night we had our horror movie marathon. 

And how they taught this one hell of a clutz how to cycle.

How we sorted each other's Hogwarts houses out during Theatre meeting yesterday.

Feeling so darn appreciated when someone says Hi Sabriena/LiLing to me in school.

Made me laugh when I really really needed it. Listened when I've always needed them to.

So I guess that's why I know why God loves me.

He sees my loss and there He goes doing his thing, rescuing me the very minute I felt like I wasn't enough during worship leading, giving me church friends who welcome me back ever so warmly and being patient with my absence from church, giving me friends in school whom I am so delighted to see and  hang around with everyday.

I know I'm an open book and I know sometimes I'm sad about the same old thing all over again.

I know I get old.

But I'll be happy if you ask about me.

Or call to talk.

Or ask me if I wanna chill sometime.

Or show me that you'll always be there to fight these thoughts with me.

I sound vulnerable now but it's okay.

I've always been a child at heart and always will be. Until the day you don't want me anymore, it's only then when I'll retreat and let you swing your emotional arms at me but I won't let a single fleeting thing out of this heart of mine.

Haha and although I'll miss you, I'll know when it's time to move on.

I ended my recently finished poem with these three words:

I am healing.

Love, sabby