breakthrough

"Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, "Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.""
- Romans 12:19

Yesterday night Deb slept over and we did tie dye strips. We also stayed up till 5 in the morning and she, being passionate as always when it comes to directing, helped me to choose and pace all four contemporary/classical monologues.
No director would have sat down with me for five hours, going through the character's every single intention, motivation and words of the scripts we chose. Pride really isn't an issue when it comes to choosing your monologues - I think as an actor, you need all the help you can get, especially advice and guidance from that of a H3 Literature student who has read far more plays and texts than I have. The entire experience was every sort of humble; it was the most fulfilling acting homework I have ever been engaged in with a director with such a sense of objectivity and function.
We broke the character of Emily of Emerald Hill down together. And you really can't say you understand the character of Emily just because 1) you know the play, 2) you've read it. It is not by mere description that Emily can be visualized or made come to life. Emily is a character that must be felt, and a sense of history and knowledge of the Peranakan culture. (I am so thankful for having learnt about all this through internship, and for meeting Stella Kon herself.)
One cannot do enough research.
Though I'm a little concerned with presenting Emily to the five British audition panels, I have a feeling that learning and speaking in an assertive but spunky Peranakan accent will be the best thing that has ever happened to me.
Because Emily speaks so much about home, about family, about Singapore. Her matriarchal, no-nonsense but humane personality is, safely put, multi-layered - a character that reminds me so much of History From The Hills and how every descendant spoke of their ancestor, whether Peranakan or not, which such admiration and how they showed their individual "labours of love".

This afternoon I plonked myself down at the Woodlands Library to finish both Twelth Night and Emily of Emerald Hill and to familiarise myself with the chosen monologues.
I found myself getting goosebumps as I finished reading the last page of Emily, and I found myself fidgeting less and sitting in silence to ponder about how much she had to go through to learn, to even gain an "I love you" from her daughter Doris through a letter.
It was the same feeling from last night, when revelations about this character hit me as Deb and I both revelled in the entire process of breaking down this character. 'Thank you' is not enough.
Before today, all I felt was anxiety and fear. I had to sit and listen to the most horrible, venomous words I haven't heard for a long, long time.

On the bus, it suddenly dawned on me that the Lord had avenged me.
I have people who love me. Who sacrifice their time and effort to see me through these auditions, making sure it goes smoothly for me. My parents, my colleagues, my closest friends, and Ron.
I realised that these people have been set apart and set aside to fulfill His plans - I for them and them for me.
And this one thought had me smiling with a tear-streaked face as I alighted the bus and walked home.
Dramatic... But these were tears of joy, because even if I had strayed from good counsel, one thing my friends told me remained throughout these few weeks - the Lord will walk you through this; He doesn't abandon us.
Even when I thought He'd be entirely disappointed in me, He lifts me up when I am faced with naysayers who tell me going this far to pursue this degree is not worth it.
He never promised that I wouldn't be afflicted. But He tells me to not fear my enemies, to not be bothered by what they say and if they want to slap my right cheek, offer them my left.

Look where that got me.
I am at peace, because You go before me, and You shield my way.

where / driftwood / water

I was supposed to be at Destination: INK tonight reading my poems, but I rejected the offer in the end.
I want to be home.
I'm going to be away for a month and a half and I don't even care if I've been trying not to be overly anxious about how I haven't memorized all my monologues yet... I just want to be home.
I will always want a roof over my head even though I'm naturally adventurous/fleeting/playful.
I know I leave. I know I can't stay in one place or go through routine. This is not the life for me - it's not even about the fact that my family has wealth and I have the chance to travel. No it's not. It's about every single thing, the most important aspect being the people I love.
And it doesn't mean I don't appreciate them but I need to go.
Leave, leaving, left but I'll always come back.
This mere month may change me and the way I look at things but the experiences I've had and the people I've met and interacted with over these seven months won't be robbed from me.
I am upset with myself and thoroughly disappointed, to have done "not-so-well" for the previous week's shoot.
Kept telling myself it's just something to learn from but why do simple words stay in this head of mine for so long.
Now I'll never get the chance back to watch myself grow and to do better at this job. It's harsh on myself, this mindset of mine, but the fact that I have to do the leaving and the fact that I had to go through the inevitable committing of those mistakes makes me angry.
It's quiet anger, but it's still anger.

These past few months have been the best I've ever had in terms of working life.
There is nothing fun in the leaving but it does feel good to officially have had my last day of work. There is a ton of relief in the leaving as well, since I have been begging myself and circumstances to let me have time to myself, to play, to train.


"A double meaning for a person who strives to give a double kind of love."
I wish you were with me in England and that I could lose you there among the crowds or watch you fall through a deep, cavernous valley, or even some place off an Irish cliff where a knight once lived.
I have dreams for you and I but when marriage is all about "tax benefits" and when you want to show me that we live in a world that waters down vows... where does the good go.
Because I'm good. I'm good to go. But perhaps, it's not with you. And even though this reality mirrors a sort of impending sadness that doesn't confront but creeps up, I will embrace the pain and continue to sing throughout this season of life.


It is March, and I can finally pin down the word that has been echoing in my head all this while.
The word is "where".
With a fullstop, not a question mark.
Where.
Because I am inexplicably drained.
I feel like driftwood; I'm being swept away and broken on rocks by this churning, aggressive tide called life.
Yet, Your love calms storms and You will show me a fresh new way between how You command the nature of crashing waves and how water itself is also made to flow and trickle gently. And You will give me rest again on lush, green banks where the glistening soft dew mimics clarity.