breakthrough

"Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, "Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.""
- Romans 12:19

Yesterday night Deb slept over and we did tie dye strips. We also stayed up till 5 in the morning and she, being passionate as always when it comes to directing, helped me to choose and pace all four contemporary/classical monologues.
No director would have sat down with me for five hours, going through the character's every single intention, motivation and words of the scripts we chose. Pride really isn't an issue when it comes to choosing your monologues - I think as an actor, you need all the help you can get, especially advice and guidance from that of a H3 Literature student who has read far more plays and texts than I have. The entire experience was every sort of humble; it was the most fulfilling acting homework I have ever been engaged in with a director with such a sense of objectivity and function.
We broke the character of Emily of Emerald Hill down together. And you really can't say you understand the character of Emily just because 1) you know the play, 2) you've read it. It is not by mere description that Emily can be visualized or made come to life. Emily is a character that must be felt, and a sense of history and knowledge of the Peranakan culture. (I am so thankful for having learnt about all this through internship, and for meeting Stella Kon herself.)
One cannot do enough research.
Though I'm a little concerned with presenting Emily to the five British audition panels, I have a feeling that learning and speaking in an assertive but spunky Peranakan accent will be the best thing that has ever happened to me.
Because Emily speaks so much about home, about family, about Singapore. Her matriarchal, no-nonsense but humane personality is, safely put, multi-layered - a character that reminds me so much of History From The Hills and how every descendant spoke of their ancestor, whether Peranakan or not, which such admiration and how they showed their individual "labours of love".

This afternoon I plonked myself down at the Woodlands Library to finish both Twelth Night and Emily of Emerald Hill and to familiarise myself with the chosen monologues.
I found myself getting goosebumps as I finished reading the last page of Emily, and I found myself fidgeting less and sitting in silence to ponder about how much she had to go through to learn, to even gain an "I love you" from her daughter Doris through a letter.
It was the same feeling from last night, when revelations about this character hit me as Deb and I both revelled in the entire process of breaking down this character. 'Thank you' is not enough.
Before today, all I felt was anxiety and fear. I had to sit and listen to the most horrible, venomous words I haven't heard for a long, long time.

On the bus, it suddenly dawned on me that the Lord had avenged me.
I have people who love me. Who sacrifice their time and effort to see me through these auditions, making sure it goes smoothly for me. My parents, my colleagues, my closest friends, and Ron.
I realised that these people have been set apart and set aside to fulfill His plans - I for them and them for me.
And this one thought had me smiling with a tear-streaked face as I alighted the bus and walked home.
Dramatic... But these were tears of joy, because even if I had strayed from good counsel, one thing my friends told me remained throughout these few weeks - the Lord will walk you through this; He doesn't abandon us.
Even when I thought He'd be entirely disappointed in me, He lifts me up when I am faced with naysayers who tell me going this far to pursue this degree is not worth it.
He never promised that I wouldn't be afflicted. But He tells me to not fear my enemies, to not be bothered by what they say and if they want to slap my right cheek, offer them my left.

Look where that got me.
I am at peace, because You go before me, and You shield my way.