11:11

i don't think anything's ever confirmed.

it's 11:11
i don't even know what to wish for

so i'm going to watch it waste away
which is interesting for a change
almost like how i'd let something i cherish so much slip away *just like that* from my fingers
mm if it's not meant to be mine
then there's no use holding onto it is there
what
it's 11:12 now

that was fast!
hazy dazy wheeeee~~~

security

we say all the things that we don't mean
we say them because we want to make an impact, we want to make a difference
hints hurt like grenades searing through flesh
words pierce and lock themselves in our heads
is that alright?
i'll never know if i really want this
because i don't know if you do.
and is that alright with you?

give my gun away when its loaded
is that alright?
if you don't shoot it how am i supposed to hold it?
is that alright with you?

so i say the things i don't mean
for the bloody heck and fun of it
and having fun is all i've ever wanted to achieve
good-for-nothingness
hell yes, yes, yes.

then it should be alright with you.

yknow it pays to be careful yet happy at the same time?

Food has been such a comfort, besides all the very nice friends I have around me:)
I will not be surprised if I see the meter on the weighing scale pop and point to a numeral larger compared to the last time I weighed myself.
Ok which I just checked - and it did not pop! :D
Yes I am rejoicing and it's cool that I have maintained my weight bbbut my pulse rate is higher than usual and I've been feeling fatigue creep up on me - even after 8 hours of sleep.
And this just proves that stress has been taking its toll on me (how ironic that it has benefits)!!! D:
I haven't had the mood to blog because my posts have been so negative lately.
But I was born to be a ranter and a faithful ranter I shall remain!


So here goes the long-awaited self refection (that is to satisfy me, at least):
I've been taught to tolerate but to also stand up for myself if the situation needs salvage from proud evil people who do not listen.
I have also seen how God gives so much underserving grace to the humble and that He opposes the proud. Yes which has really hurt the person.
And how:
+ we shouldn't take ourselves so seriously
+ we should always learn to trust and that although you think self-confidence has been long gone, it's still in there
+ inferiority really does nothing but tear yourself down
+ listening is a good and noble thing to do
+ don't change yourself for anybody
+ you gotta read the Bible and hide His word in His heart if you want to abide in Him.
+ self-blame can be overcome when you look to the cross.
+ God is worthy of all praise in every season, through the good times and bad.


I haven't been successful at making good music recently but all that will change very soon.
On the other hand, I have been writing some poetry that people actually appreciate and relate to!
This was what I presented at the Poetry Slam Revolt last Friday on the 21st of January:

Love could chase me

I'd be easy to entertain or even lure

But put me through heartache and guessing

That, I am not sure if I can endure

Love should chase me

Cos my liking for you is not fleeting;

Not like your mother on menopause

So will you recognize this as a cheesy line

To make you work for a cause?

Because I'm stuck here in limbo

In roads and homes and places and scents

In faith and time and food and friends

I'm swirling around in a boiling sea of grey,

And yknow funny thing is, my heart has been made your prey

I collapse a little inside when you speak her name

Or build up walls to force me to play your games

If you thought that trust was easy to learn

To find mine - my own insecurities I had to burn!

You could chase me

Cos I'd make you dreamcatchers, catch you parakeets and more

When you have your storms, I'll sing them lullabies

Though you take me for granted all the damn time

And I am your equivalent to making your heart grow sore

And the only one who will be there for you when you run out of Dota gold and grow quite poor

I will love you through the black and blue

And misery of every hue

And I know that I terrify you

I also know I blow your mind and make you think twice through

Love should chase me

Yes indeed, as Oscar Wilde has put it

“The very essence of romance is uncertainty” –

But baby, it’s killing me!

It's wrapped me round its fingers

Bruised and cut sore

And the crazy thing is:

I really want more

You should chase me

- Not because you're the guy

But because you should prove to me that I'm worth the try

And that’s why you should chase me, sucker.

We won first place, by the way! *wink*


So to end off, this is what I did before I went to bed the other night.
I was quite amused and went to sleep with a huge cheesy grin.

mm p/s: i don't believe in being head over heels in love with a person if he/she doesn't feel the same way about you.
so guard your heart k
:3

stop

hello
am i just tired
or am i just tired of talking about stuff

the thing about not letting yourself cry is that
you don't know if you're breaking little by little inside
because it makes you numb

but being numb is good
it toughens you up
to take on the world and its demands

how about me. i want something too. i don't believe you.
so stop it

control

I am sitting at one of my favourite spots to write at and all around me is creation.

Trees, hanging vines, bright pink and peach colored bougainvilleas, the cooing birds, a man’s distant voice, my breathing and my existence.

They all comprise of structure, texture, lines, position, sound, colour, beauty, effort, time, patience, mystery, science, life and faith.

I think human beings are beautiful.

How the heart never stops beating until He deems it to cease.

How there is no better filter than the kidney.

How the eyes see such colour, transition and movement – the way a yellow breasted bird with stark, black lined wingtips and eyes catches your attention and perches on a coconut tree, darting about attentively yet managing to enjoy bathing in the golden warmth of the evening sun at the same time.

How we have moods and personalities.

How genius human beings really are.

How we have willpower and strength (that is either honed or innate in us) to survive. To discern. To obey.

Obey.

Suddenly I feel like the blackest sheep of all creation.

"Blessed is the Man who hears the word of God and obeys it."

I know I am able to break away from self-blame.

But.

I am not able to.

I have no more strength - I am drained.

I am a Procrastinator and I am content.

I am in a rut and here I will stay.

s.o.s.

Lord I need a breakthrough.

I think I have been a bad person.
I feel like a prostitute and a slave to so many things.
I need rest.
Both spiritual and physical rest.
Sweet, sweet sleep.

in between

i never knew how real the pain was
until i sat there
with left hand in sin
and right hand dangling,
resting,
helpless

so i got up to leave
looked up at my face in my mirror
and got a shock
because
it has been so long since i've seen those eyes

i know i'll be doing myself a favor
but it's really painful
now i know how you felt
- sometimes the right thing is the hardest thing at the same time

nat identity wild

I was walking home with a burning question in mind: What does it mean to be a Singaporean?
I am troubled, I really am, and am crazy desperate - I am willing to go on an epic journey to find the answer.

Today we had a dialogue session with Miss Koh Lin Net, the Deputy Secretary of Trade and Industry and I asked if she had (1) any encouragement to spur us students on to nurturing our sense of belonging and identity to this country and (2) if it's worth the fight.

She answered that our involvement definitely makes a difference and that we should have more confidence in our society and who we are because as long as we are in touch with the rest of the globalised world, our society and people remain relevant and of value.
She voiced that she understands that we, as youths, have the tendency to feel overwhelmed and inundated by expectations and the pressure of "surrendering who we really are".
Miss Koh also said that we should feel proud of what we're good at and if we are experts at something, the question is, is it valued? She has a very strong stand when it comes to being excellent in all that we do, whether it is small and intricate or giganormous in nature.

mm I personally agree with what she has shared because I think that she sensed our insecurity as Singaporean youths through my question (which is probably why it sounded like a social workshop when it came to the 'confidence' part and yes it's understandable because she genuinely cares for us youths) and how we must be sure and excellent of our niche areas in order to make our mark in a globalised world - but I am torn apart between the idea of fighting for one's own glory and bringing glory to one's own country :/

Shanice's question was something about pop culture and what is being done to curb its effect on our society. I don't remember the answer she gave but I remember agreeing with Shanice that the government does not know enough about the severity of the loss of our national identity and how it is affecting us youths. I feel as if the importance of it all has been swept under the rug and nobody thinks about it anymore.

(I ripped this off an article online)Then again:

"Already, it warned of the temptation to reduce a social system expanding in its richness and complexity to its supposed identity. In this regard, if Levi-Strauss left us a lesson, it was simply that the word "identity" applies to subjects, not to communities; it can be used in the plural, never in the singular. To forget that, to reduce a nation either to this collection of things in common or to this ossified catalogue of traits that are the two possible names of its supposed identity is to impoverish it, to kill it, all the while pretending to give it faith in its future."

This sentence has horrible grammar; it doesn't have any breaks but I'm lazy to rephrase it. So.
Deb and I have been discussing this topic (nerds FTW) and we've come to a conclusion that we're all imitating people that we find it hard to be who we really are. We're all chasing our different identities that we don't really know anymore. Ah but I don't think I wanna spend time finding identity in my country, I'd rather be found in Him.
Happy day.

here we go again

it's amazing how you can make me feel alive all over again
i don't know how you do it but you just do
and there are many faiths, many seasons of pain to choose from to feel for, to get sucked dry from
but you let me be myself

i will be constantly constant
because you are the same to me

but still,
silence doesn't mean consent
as the voice has made itself clear
(then again i'll never know
then again denial greets me)

oh oh
i want somemore
oh oh
what are you waiting for
take a bite of my heart tonight

love is a fucking heavy word - but it exists

1. Daren: Love knocks you down but you get back up again.
2. Deb: They probably aren't the ones you want, but there will always be people.
3. Jon: On my MSN, you're under my Favourites.
4. Cami: (something along the lines of avenging me if someone tries to hurt me)
5. Mom: Why you ignore Mummy?
6. Nicole: Can you write something for me in my book?
7. Deb: both of you have a major histocompatability complex
8. Belle: we should do a TUMOUR PART II and IMYYY
9. Char: thanks for sticking by me
10. God: I love you and you don't need Man's acceptance, only mine.


Don't think I'll ever forget these things that people/God have said to me.
Especially number five. sorry mom

more

there will not be anyone
there shall be no one
who will break me
or make me own up to what i've done

you have no power
you have no right
to make me believe
in something that was meant to be broken

you will not mess my head up
thou shall flee from temptation
and live higher, stronger
than who i am now

i can't even say i need you
i can't even say i have faith
there is no guarantee for me
there is no hand that will take mine

there can only be so much time left
my impatience is my downfall
my impatience is my downfall
my impatience means the end.

this is a shitty post but i'm happy so imma do it

Frack i really hate how my PJs smell like now.
First day of school and i've missed cami+lizzie+ally+harsha+lala+zinger loads:)
Who cares if there's no TC on Tuesdays - I get to see them on Monday nights at Theatre class!
I'm all hyped up for what's gonna happen this year: Two theatre productions, Philosophy module in Year Two and lotsa things to keep me busyyy!
I hate having nothing to do and I hate Facebook.
AM DYING TO     BLANK    :(
Patience patience.
hehe:)

i'd rather run the other way than stay and see the smoke and who's still standing when it clears

1.1.11

I feel so blessed to have attended the midnight service:) Kristen and I both agreed that the sermon was fantastic. I think it encouraged me to have hope for this new year, since I was dreading its arrival. I don't know why, I'm just really adverse to change (hehe). The end of 2KX has helped me to trust and love again but what remains first and foremost is to guard my heart.


For every Promise, there is a Problem.
For every Problem there is a Provision.
The Problem = the Journey
Here's a little something from the notes I took down:
With reference to Exodus: "Even though the road is difficult, infirmities CANNOT keep the Faithful away from the promised land."
I hope this encourages all of you to persevere in Faith:)


So I went off for supper with my churchies. I really wanted this new year to be different because I was all glammed up and all strapped up in heels. But I guess it was fated: cos I had so much fun being with my churchies. Maybe He knew I wouldn't have been that comfortable around other people. And maybe this is to show that I can count on so many people but in the end, the bond between my churchies and myself is His love - which makes a huge difference because they show me His love and grace:) But I really shouldn't have eaten Julian's fries that early in the morn; there's a pimple party on my face right now.


mm and i thought you should know why i blog about God: I blog about God because He has proved to be so real and faithful to me and my friends. Because He is the only real thing I can hold onto in this world. The world, to me, has disappointed me greatly and it still makes my head spin everytime I think about His perfect Love. It's all so surreal. It hasn't been easy being here with Him now but all i know is that, I'm here.


Ahh, hello 2K11. There are battles to fight, newer temptations to flee from, people to love and re-love, music+art to be created, life to be brought, experiences to be cherished, and you + You to see me through. i hope you stay.