just like that

it scares me when i see the gray and white wall

i wonder if perseverance will get me through this

i i i

i'm sorry

there are still bouts of yknow, stuff

i have to live with them, 

and fight them

i i i

i'm sorry i hope you don't mind

It is a burning faith

March is coming to an end.
Hell is coming to an end, I think.
And surprisingly, what I've learnt as I pulled myself through everyday... is courage.
It is a word that was lost in my vocabulary and foreign to my lips but now I look at it and as I speak it, I can almost touch it.
I can wrap my heart around it.

M messaged me saying that the birthday video I made for her made her cry but above all that it gave her courage.
Hugeass word, courage.
I remember the trees, the light, the way my dress felt and how that one word resounded inside me.
Then I thought about how D was so safe.
I'm so safe.
So in the shower tonight I said thank You because I'm safe.
When I thought I was so lost in the desert, God had been providing me with so much shelter and although I've failed to see it, He was waiting patiently for me all along.
Faithfully.

And I remember how I finished the nightwalk at camp.
I braced myself and walked straight on. I finished it. Alone.
Yet all along I wasn't alone.
I will say this again: it is very sad that we cannot see how amazing we are inside.

"Now I've found, the greatest love of all is mine"

The song I sing is broken, but it is strong.
Like the melody my Jesus sang ever so quietly, ever so perfectly. Humanely.
Patience is not an excuse. Patience has made me tired but beautiful.
And I see how much I must die to myself to be refined.
It does not scare me; it makes me want more because it is so precious.
Do you know how precious it is to be made whole again? Over and over again
His work in me is not complete and I will wait, all my days.

"Your grace has found me just as I am, and I'm nothing but alive in Your hands"

God, although I suck myself dry
Thank You for filling me again
Even if I have so many holes in me
The way Your wine keeps on pouring into me abundantly,
The way You never give up on me -
It heals me. It changes me.
Who else could I live for besides You.
(Courage is a burning faith and mine burns bright tonight)

yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

ARGH INCOMPETENT TTM RRRGRGHEWSAHVAHBJKBQJKan fmfmflmflfmlfmlfmlfmflmflfm :( :(((:(:(((((((

oh dear me

"But it's no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then."
- Alice In Wonderland

I have been forgetful, or trying to be at least.
I almost forgot to eat lunch - well I tried to push that out of my mind for awhile because it could do me some good even if you tell me not to and it's not the right way and you're not fat - whatever.
I have also tried to forget the person I am now, although new on the outside but a decayed carcass within.
But what you should praise me for is the fact that I have been trying to forget people because they've forgotten about me or who I once was or who I will always be.
I can't forget God though, I can't forget how He loves me.

Yet I can't forget how the chemistry between two people can fail so terribly though, I can't forget that no.
Nor the way I stand against the bathroom wall, stripped to the bone and feeling so broken.
Nor the way the reality of so much silence screams all day long in my ears.
I want my life back.
I don't care if it's drastic; sometimes people have to be hedonistic to be happy.
That's what Daren told me. I'll follow it. Cos it's the truth and I hope it sets me free.

we broke a bird's heart

The afternoon light burns the white concrete tiles and both my eyes.
I am watching a dying insect with a broken body and only a wing left fighting to pick itself up over and over again on a serving platter with a printed spanish bull. I don't know whether to admire its perseverance or not.
At last, it curls up and lays there, just a few centimetres away from a dead fly and a crumpled mosquito.
I wonder what it saw before it died. I wonder what it thought about.
Oh but it has me tricked, as all the successful people in the world have had me tricked because it moves again, ambitiously trying to force its way out of the cursed U shape its body has been bent into.
Death hovers over the serving plate and the printed spanish bull throws me a hard stare with a strange but harsh defensiveness, as if telling me to mind my own business or his horns will pierce my eyes.
Death has touched everything with its black fingers. Nothing can escape it.
Not even the dream I had as I awoke this morning.
I witnessed its death and when you witness things like that, you have to be alone.
Like the way you witness your own death in time to come. You have to be alone. (Nothing can escape it)
So I made another one and heard what I had wanted to hear.
Yet I awoke again in the afternoon feeling like I was about to break because it wouldn't leave my mind.
I've been turning to the superficial things for help but to no avail.
It really is of no surprise that my father's cigarette box is empty.
Although probably a sign from God that I will die if I get what I want, I do not need signs right now. Because I am proud, yes. Because I need instant relief from this agony, yes.
And all I can do and should do is wait. Then things will arrange themselves and make me whole again, right?
Or Wrong?

Like decisions.
Vicious decisions that could go both ways.
I wrote this 34 days ago. I was being more hard on myself than comtemplative:
"When he looks at you, he should look at you as if he wants you. And not in the way that he wants to sweep you off your feet kind of 'want'. He should need you just as much as you need him. Or maybe more. Want you more than you want him. Fall deeper than you fall for him. That is all. Then you know he's the one. It's in the eyes."
I wish I didn't have eyes.
"Absence does not make the heart grow fonder. So fond it eats me whole. This is a disease that has grown in me, that has caused my lungs to collapse and my eyes to close before the night comes. But I will not fight it. It is reality. It is an authority. Anyone who fights against reality loses, anyone who goes against authority fails far more miserably than he should. Call me a pessimist but You don't understand - it is a decision I have to make."
Vicious, I stand corrected.
"I never had to make any when you were around. I am dependent on you."
My downfall.

A hummingbird flutters about, searching for quiet corners to build its new home in. Does it not know that its home will be destroyed? People in this house are not known to have mercy. Not even me.
Like the way two blue eggs were stolen from a nest and put in the container with the quails' this new year. That surely broke a bird's heart.
The afternoon light continues burning the grass patches mercilessly and rubbing their heat in the vines until they turn yellow.
Like how that one kiss burned and had me half opening my eyes, teetering on the edge of reality and fantasy. Why did I open my eyes?
How foolish it was of me to think I could have brought that into reality.
What stays in dreams, stays in dreams.
And what stays here, well, shatters our hopes and weighs.us.down.
Yet the subconscious mind does not lie.
That is what kills me.

Ain't a bad decision if you can purge it all out

I watch you and wish how I could be like you.
A free spirit.

We should only allow ourselves to bear what we can bear -
especially consequences.
They are never friendly.

Yet overprotection means never having lived the life you were supposed to.
It is so hard making decisions and rules you swore you'd abide to.
These rules keep you safe, keep you happy.
Then again, risk takers never learn do they.

depression (?!)

(we move along with some new passion knowing everything is fine)

weeeeeeeeed

Sylvia Ji <3

\
I want to get my hair braided and dyed so badly.
And hair wax oh yes.
I'm feeling pretty experimental and brave this holiday and I've had enough of procrastinating!
Gr8, my iphone button works again. Awesome analogy of how good things come to you if you wait.
But nah, I'm not one for waiting so I shan't push it anymore I guess.
I love the feeling that a new bra gives you; fills you with so much confidence and strength to face the world as a young woman.
I remember a few years back I was wondering how I'd ever transform into a young lady, someone who can wear heels and speak discreetly about taboo topics and wear a handbag the right way without looking too young.
Well for one, I look old. hahahaha and I can rock heels but tell me to speak discreetly? that I cannot do.
I was unsatisfied with who I was and even up till now, I'm unsatisfied with who I am.
That's what I've realised oh god the way it hits me.
It is so sad that we cannot see how amazing we really are.
So I should let the full-fledged narcissist in me take flight for once eh; I should love myself.
The Kills are so trippy and subtle; they make you bob your head and think you're on weed without knowing it.
mm I'm still here, wondering who would want me because I'm everything they're not, wondering who would accept me for who I am inside.
tccchhhh we don't know what we've got till it's gone
i hate how it applies to me as well. i hate cherishing people who can't give two hoots about me.
tell me why it's so hard to be human, tell me how Jesus did all that

don't.you love. how i. am. so serious. with ma. full stops. ?

cheerio!
sabertoothriena

better

I must say that Juice magazine has got incredible language. *goes green*
Speaking of green, a pretty little bottle of "Jade Is The New Black" arrived in the mail today and I swear my fingernails are beaming as I type.
It's the only green in OPI's Hong Kong collection - mm is it just pure coincidence that I'm actually craving for char siew pao now?
Honestly, that was the highlight of my day.
Besides discovering new music.

I'm ready to host at least three sleepovers.
Why don't I have an oven.

pokemon

The weather has been so kind to us all, even to me.
It is a reality.
And reality has been what I have needed to face about myself, that what I am going through is real.
I couldn't sleep so I got up at 5 in the morning.
I went downstairs to try to solve the problem but I sat there again, in my sin.
I took a shower and I couldn't stop.
The only thing that held me together was the cold and the wall.
The light hurt my eyes and please I really do not mean to be gushy and neurotic but oh my god I am.
Why does the word 'sad' appear in the dictionary - it speaks way too little.
I'm in agony damn it.
I'm fucked over by it everyday.
Fucked over by habit, by need, by want, by helplessness, by the way you miss somebody...
my god.
I've watched myself cry and look at my hands, my face in disbelief but I cannot do anything.
My god my god
my God help

--

How can everything change so quickly
How fleeting my emotions truly are
How I can feel so happy after watching a mere movie without weighing the severity and unrelieved continuance of my sickness against it
Everything around me is serene and calm except me
I am a storm
I need sex

With nothing left to pour:

Today belongs to me, no one else.
I turned down my parents' invitation to lunch.
I also turned down two waiters when they asked me if I wanted a drink.
I didn't want to; I subconsciously say no to everything without even thinking.
No but I revise what I want to say to you above all else.


So I sat down to read and these are my favourite quotes from the book I'm taking forever to finish(on purpose) so far:
"I would have done anything for him. Maybe that was my sickness.
We made love in nothing places and turned the lights off. It felt like crying.
He squeezed my sides so hard, and pushed so hard.
Like he was trying to push through me to somewhere else.
Why does anyone ever make love?

"I miss you already, Oskar. I missed you even when I was with you.
That's been my problem. I miss what I already have,
and I surround myself with things that are missing.

"He wrote, You're being crazy. You're going to catch a cold.
I already have a cold.
You are going to catch a colder.
I could not believe he was making a joke. And I could not believe I laughed.

"Touching him was always so important to me.
It was something I lived for. I never could explain why.

"He must have weighed my life against a life he might have been able to save. Or ten. Or one hundred. He must have decided that my life weighed more than one hundred lives.
He promised us that everything would be OK. I was a child, but I knew that everything would not be OK. That did not make my father a liar. It made him my father.

This one strikes the heart of all my secrets:
"Does it break my heart, of course, every moment of every day, into more pieces than my heart was ever made of, I never thought of myself as quiet, much less silent, I never thought about things at all, everything changed, the distance that wedged itself between me and my happiness wasn't the world, it wasn't the bombs and burning buildings, it was me, my thinking, the cancer of never letting go, is ignorance bliss, I don't know, but it's so painful to think, and tell me, what did thinking ever do for me, to what great place did thinking ever bring me? I think and think and think, I've thought myself out of happiness one million times, but never once into it."

--
Today's weather sheds a very beautiful light on every corner in my pink room.
This is my definition of gorgeous. This is what it feels like to be gorgeous.
Everything is balanced and perfect: the colours, the birds, the atmosphere.
Like how being around you is "gorgeous" to me.
I don't want to see anybody today; if I had a sniper gun, I'd kill the woman in orange just outside my window. And all the workers there as well.
But she does have a very nice smile.
I wish the whole world were blind so I could sit at the deck completely naked, writing like this.
I want beds to be put up everywhere: in town, in the parks, on the roads, next to shipping ports and airplanes.
I want everyone to sleep and be quiet so that I can stop screaming so much inside.
But don't see me as selfish. I'm not done.
Then strangers could climb into beds and speak about secret things.
Like how you've got sweet tits and your eyes make me cry and that money doesn't matter, it is my pride I cannot tear down, how I wish you'd let me be somebody for you, how I wish you'd let me be myself, I don't want to have kids with you because I do not love you, I don't want to need a child, God are you listening to me. Can you listen to me.
These people shall be strangers, strangers that live in our homes and sleep through the nights with us in the same burning beds at home.
These beds shall be new and white that smell just like the air conditioning in hospitals.
People have to listen to very loud music and be very quiet as they walk past these beds so the bed people can speak.
The chances that conflict will ensue is probably 80%. I don't know, I'm just guessing.
But if you don't like strangers you can stay in bed with me.
And not go out of the house because the world makes us cry.
My head is so heavy and my heart is weighed down by a thousand bricks that probably came crashing down from the house I built up in my dreams. The house that housed you and me and perfect people and perhaps God Himself too.
You are perfect to me too.
I am sick but I don't know why.
I don't want to see anybody today; I will turn everyone down.
There are no exceptions in this world.

i have burning questions
but you won't give me answers
so i burn inside instead

being happy-go-lucky is a chore when you know you've lost it

i am alone but i am strong.

Art can be controlled

How is it that I don't mind doing stupid things? Yes very Stupid things indeed.
And how is it that I forget so quickly?
But I, I have changed.

Somebody scribbled chalk all over my blackboard. MY BLACKBOARD.

Merciless chalk, of a thousand different shades with texture that's ever so sure, ever so prominent- and if you ever tried rubbing it off, it smudges and the shades blend.
So much so that you cannot identify the previous shade anymore nor comprehend how the phenomenon/wrong move of a touch could make you lose what you had before.
It has become a new shade altogether.

Like how you allow things to happen. Stupid things indeed.

And have you heard the sound it makes when it skids? It's a fucking long screech. And it gives you goosebumps.

It makes your heart beat like a voodoo drum; you can't control it.

Fuck, the colours are overwhelming. Some warm, some cold. But the cold colours appeal more to the eye; they capture my heart far more than the flaming reds, the cosy browns, the sunny golds and the petal pinks. Therapy, yes? Or no?

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You hear that?

He shouts!
You giggle
You whisper
You scream
You wail
He whispers
The screaming stops

And evidence of a life shabbily led and a heart recklessly abandoned floods the entire canvas.

"Baby, you have to redo it." Advice, yes. Advice helps, doesn't it?
After all, not everyone buys your art.

I can't offer help
I don't know what works and what does
How do you always know what to do, know what to say

If less is all I will ever be
Then more is what you deserve
Lest you get stuck in this rut too

fuck it

And if it's not real, you can't hold it in your hand, you can't feel it with your heart

yknow when you give
you don't expect anything back in return
but what if what you're giving is love
it's only natural to want something back, isn't it?

yknow i won't go if you don't
i'm not afraid of disappointment
i'm just afraid of never knowing
and i've never been so afraid to ask for more

i don't mean to sound this way
but yes i am this way
and i detest it; i avoid it whenever i can
sigh.

courage where are you.

Recovery

I have been a riotous liver
Been living the carpe diem religion
I don't wanna have regrets but I do
Everything's been whizzing past me way too fast
Lost myself in hazy lights
Gotta sloooowwww dowwwwnnnnnnn
Like do something that's worth my pain, worth my courage
Like counting the seconds as I watch how hard and how fast I fall
Sing the same songs you sang when you were a little girl
Humans never learn do they