- but -

y'know,

i wait to write poetry but it never comes

the mood to write is so

delicate

it passes me by so quickly

i want it to be intrepid

- but -

i use vocabulary i don't quite understand,

can't quite explain

and still,

i am here

waiting to write

waiting for the words to flow

- but -

i am bogged down

by the depression a writer knows all too well

slipping beneath the undertow

the gnashing of rocks

against my head

and still,

the words will not flow;

they keep on

rolling,

rolling on,

like waves

in this head of mine

telling me

you have to write, you want to write

- but -

when it hits,

it just

leaves

full stop

Never too late

Today I was thinking of social media and how it has shaped me.

Because of it, I have become more judgmental, and as if I wasn't an 'appearance-first' sort of person before, it has made me become even more aware of what I look like to others, and how others look like to me.
Especially my spiritual life. 

I want to change all of this. I know it starts from an individual, but if I can't even capture my mind's most selfish thoughts on a day to day basis, how do I start? The question was, WHAT can cause me to surrender these poisonous things and in turn, slowly change the world? 

Abiding In The Father's Love 

YAM Retreat 2014 started on Saturday morning and ended on Monday afternoon - a three-day retreat that I clearly underestimated. In fact, I underestimated God. On Sunday night, I assumed that it was "too late to experience the Father's love" and Him being God, blew me away as usual. 

Pastor Barnabas encouraged us to, instead of going out for supper, stay in the hotel ballroom or to go back to our own rooms to simply spend a little time with God. 

I had no desire or intent to, and even asked a friend of mine: Eh, what do you want to do? Do you want to go out (sincerely) or are you going to spend some time with God (sarcastically)?

Then he lost his phone and a few of us went downstairs to look for it at the ballroom we just left after Pastor Barnabas' talk. 

When I walked in, it wasn't the low whirring of the air conditioner or how quiet/focused everyone was that hit me. 

It wasn't all that, because a thought popped into my mind: "Lord, Your presence is so attractive, I want to be with You now." 

But like on an episode of The Prodigal Daughter 101, I ran away. I went upstairs to find Belle, but I just couldn't get that sentence out of my head. 

It was all too strange to me, because that was what my heart wanted but my flesh wanted to go out to play, to talk nonsense and waste the night away. To enjoy it MY WAY. To end the whole fiesta with a bang - but at retreats like that, the "bang" is encountering the living God. That was the difference.

I told myself, "if God wants to meet me, He'll give me the desire to do it. And He'll give it to me now."
Sure enough, He did. Because I had never felt this drawn to go back to a place that I had previously found so boring.

I knew that even after He gives me the desire to do something, I still have the choice to either abide by it or to completely ignore it; AKA free will.
But this retreat showed me that I need to start relating to God as Father, not Boss. 

So this time, I went back. Belle went with me, and I was so encouraged by the way she said, "Let's go." 

At first, I was HELLA nervous to even step into the ballroom. The presence of the Lord was so strong; He was there, but I didn't know what to say. I chose a quiet corner and sat with Belle, and I still didn't know how to start. 

"Um, hi God, I have nothing to offer You. I don't even know if it's too late to come and meet You."

The model answer is no, the Jamie answer was no, and the real, honest-to-god answer will always be no.

It is never too late to meet God. 

And what's amazing is that He knows the depths of your heart before you can even start to make sense of it. And without knowing it, the secret longing of my heart was, "Draw me close to You, because I can't do it alone."

So after Jamie prayed a prayer with me, inviting Christ to come and find me again, she urged me to spend a little time on my own with God.

I want to record this down because it was beautiful.

I flopped down on the floor (Belle said everyone saw my butt but I was so unaware of what I looked like that I just continued lying in that position for about an hour), and asked the Lord the most self-indulgent, yet simplest question I could ever ask: "Lord, how much do you love me? Show me how much you love me." 

Immediately, I was reminded of a phone conversation I had with my father, who had called me around two hours ago to ask, "Ling, have you eaten dinner yet?"
"Yes I have! Do you want to see a picture of the place?"
"Okay!" 

"I'm coming back on Monday night."

"Okay, good. Okay, bye!" 

Because I am Chinese, I understand my father's heart perfectly when he asks me or any of his children, "Ling, have you eaten yet?" 

It is one of care and concern. It is one who wants to know you're doing fine, and you are well. 

And this love crosses boundaries. 

When I was in the UK and it was midnight in Singapore, I received a phone call from him with him asking, "Ling, what are you doing now?" 

Ling. What. are. you. doing. now. 

And my response just HAD to be, "Why you call me? I'm packing my things. Why leh?" 

That was my first response - cold, blunt, and even cutting. 

I knew it wasn't the most tactful reply, because I heard him say, "Har..." which is "Oh...", and he quickly moved on from that to ask me something else. 

After I was reminded of that, I felt the Lord say to me, "You see that? I love you a hundred, a thousand times more than how much your earthly father loves you."

And I just stayed face down, on the carpeted floor, crying and laughing as I acknowledged His love and saw my dad's face in my mind's eye. 

This was my Father's heart for me.

All it took was a little time spent with God - and that experience fills me to the brim. That experience makes me want to become better for Him. 

On social media, our profiles look brilliant. Even our spiritual lives look flawless. "I already know God. I am a Christian. I am a winner!" 

We forget that we are very, very, broken people. We forget that God longs for a "broken spirit; a broken contrite heart that You will not despise (Psalm 51:17)". We can't even save ourselves, let alone save humanity. We are born selfish, moralistic and are quick to anger and judgement of others. 

At this camp, Christ said to me, "Come as you are. And I mean it. As. you. are." 

And knowing how He has treated me, how He loves with an everlasting love, this means that I, too, am equipped with the same love He has shown me. 

"But even though my condition tempted you to reject me, you did not despise me or turn me away. No, you took me in and cared for me as though I were an angel from God or even Christ Jesus himself." (Galatians 4:14)

Come to the Father

Though your gift is small

Broken hearts, broken lives, 

He will take them all 

The power of the Word

The power of His blood

Everything was done, so you would come

Falling face down was the smartest decision I've ever made at church camp. 

'God is most glorified when I am most satisfied in Him.'

My remainder

I love how faithfulness is akin to a solid rock.
Unshakable, unmovable, even as white horses charge at them, they remain.

I was looking through a friend's Instagram account and my god, how he has grown.
I was psyched (though very awkward) when I saw him at the OCS Commissioning Parade yesterday.
The nine months of hell are etched all over his face. From a boy to a man. It's absolutely bonkers.
It just hit me how much I miss this guy.
And I really miss my polytechnic friends.
Some days I think to myself, how could one mistake like that fuck everything up?
From September through to March, I was constantly asking myself the same old question: how am I going to let it all go?
But I had to, because nobody said a word. Not a single word.
It was the silence that hurt the most.
The only words I remember are, "Li Ling, it has been so painful working with you. I really hope that whoever you work with in the future never has to go through what I had to."
It was a feverish Monday afternoon and I had all the time to study for the Law paper but no time to tell you I needed your friendship, your trust and your understanding the most.
I was terrified. I can't forget the panic.

It was in the way I looked at you and looked away again, because there was nothing I could say if you wouldn't confront the reality of the situation with me.
Even as I write this, I'm painfully aware of the fact that I probably sound pathetic. But bear with me, because this has been the greatest letdown I had to ever make anyone go through.
And I must say, it wasn't easy to bear the brunt of my wrongdoing either.

Two years after and I'm not hurting anymore, but I remember those three months, from the build up to the climax and how it all flopped back down to silence - all as clear as day.
Silence is a whip, and it is harsh as hell.
So when I saw A yesterday, I was disappointed in the awkwardness between us. But it was MY own awkwardness; I could feel it in my fingertips. I felt myself freeze. I hadn't seen him for ages and once, he was one of two faces I wanted to see the most at school.
Even when I was rushing my work and he needed help and I snapped at him over the phone.
I tried to find a reason why. I told S and G that it must've been because he got mad at me before. Mad and condescending, and above all, irritated. And when someone gets like that towards me, I can't function. I was so confused throughout it all, and even amazed at how could a single thought manifest into hostility.

But when I saw him yesterday, nothing mattered.
It wouldn't be the same for you though.
The blow was way worse, but I wish you the best wherever you are in the world, and whatever you're doing to make your life count.

A person can only have so much pride and today, I never thought I'd be letting it go.
When some friendships are lost, they are lost forever.
But there will always be those who remain like rocks.
Faithful.
Unshakable, unmovable; they remain.

This is my remainder, and I believe whatever has been lost will be restored.