My remainder

I love how faithfulness is akin to a solid rock.
Unshakable, unmovable, even as white horses charge at them, they remain.

I was looking through a friend's Instagram account and my god, how he has grown.
I was psyched (though very awkward) when I saw him at the OCS Commissioning Parade yesterday.
The nine months of hell are etched all over his face. From a boy to a man. It's absolutely bonkers.
It just hit me how much I miss this guy.
And I really miss my polytechnic friends.
Some days I think to myself, how could one mistake like that fuck everything up?
From September through to March, I was constantly asking myself the same old question: how am I going to let it all go?
But I had to, because nobody said a word. Not a single word.
It was the silence that hurt the most.
The only words I remember are, "Li Ling, it has been so painful working with you. I really hope that whoever you work with in the future never has to go through what I had to."
It was a feverish Monday afternoon and I had all the time to study for the Law paper but no time to tell you I needed your friendship, your trust and your understanding the most.
I was terrified. I can't forget the panic.

It was in the way I looked at you and looked away again, because there was nothing I could say if you wouldn't confront the reality of the situation with me.
Even as I write this, I'm painfully aware of the fact that I probably sound pathetic. But bear with me, because this has been the greatest letdown I had to ever make anyone go through.
And I must say, it wasn't easy to bear the brunt of my wrongdoing either.

Two years after and I'm not hurting anymore, but I remember those three months, from the build up to the climax and how it all flopped back down to silence - all as clear as day.
Silence is a whip, and it is harsh as hell.
So when I saw A yesterday, I was disappointed in the awkwardness between us. But it was MY own awkwardness; I could feel it in my fingertips. I felt myself freeze. I hadn't seen him for ages and once, he was one of two faces I wanted to see the most at school.
Even when I was rushing my work and he needed help and I snapped at him over the phone.
I tried to find a reason why. I told S and G that it must've been because he got mad at me before. Mad and condescending, and above all, irritated. And when someone gets like that towards me, I can't function. I was so confused throughout it all, and even amazed at how could a single thought manifest into hostility.

But when I saw him yesterday, nothing mattered.
It wouldn't be the same for you though.
The blow was way worse, but I wish you the best wherever you are in the world, and whatever you're doing to make your life count.

A person can only have so much pride and today, I never thought I'd be letting it go.
When some friendships are lost, they are lost forever.
But there will always be those who remain like rocks.
Faithful.
Unshakable, unmovable; they remain.

This is my remainder, and I believe whatever has been lost will be restored.