once again

Dear you,

I am sitting on the wrong chair.
Once you sit with your legs wide open, feeling your ass tripod adjusting on hard wood, that's when you know this chair sucks.

I had a phone conversation tonight with one of my favourite persons of all time.
Comfortable. Think cheese and crackers.
Just the feeling you get when your ass sinks into the softness of your bed.
Okay, maybe that's because I was on the bed.
Still.

I don't think I've lost the romanticism in me.

I thought I gave it all away to you but I was wrong.

I am romantic.

That will never change.

Thank you for making time for me.

Are you being civil?

With all my civil and the best love (I reserved for you),

sab

A bowl in the kitchen

It felt as if I had stood there for ages, holding that bowl, not feeling the tension between my knee caps.
Eating has become tiring.
Why eat anyway. Why live.

On the table sat noodles in a bigger bowl and my thoughts dashed right in there.
Naked people, disturbances, God, cute things, my body, taste, luxury, amethysts falling off my ring in my dreams, j, j, God again, another j, frozen yoghurt, bright lights, voice, p, Satan, work, work work.
Entangled and twisted and they clung onto every strand of sticky noodle I picked up with white, careful chopsticks.

Selection.
Natural selection.
Do you blame it or do you blame the circumstances for making me this way.
No, I choose to blame myself.
Why blame God?
Take your pride and eat it, then vomit it out then swallow it all down again.
Repeat after me.
This is how we humans live.

They ask why be sad. Why wallow in this 'depression', in this 'grave you have dug with your own hands'?
Reality. It's because of reality.
You tell me to be happy in reality.
I can, but my mind is critical - it sees all the bad.

So do you blame the way you were made.
Do you blame God for giving you a mindset like this?
Is God hiding away, hiding so well that you give up?

Tell me what to feel.

hold my heart

dear babe
why'd you gotta go and let me wait this long
leave me wondering when you'll ever come around
if you're upset why don't you tell me
if you feel the same way why don't you hold me
why do you stop there
have you displaced your trust in me
that i will not be loyal or faithful?
or have you read my childlike disposition wrongly
why'd you gotta go and make my jealousy eat at me this way
it devours me
and makes me cry on every bus ride
everywhere i go i carry your heart with me
as i sculpted the cold damp sand with my fingers
i was alone
just for a little while
and i felt at ease, i've always been so alone
but i couldn't ignore the fact that i wish i wasn't this comfortable with being lonely all the time
then i drifted off to thoughts of you
the music the sand the sunset the sound of the waves and all their laughter
wishing you were lying down next to me
seeing what i'm seeing
feeling what i'm feeling
knowing that i'll always want you around me
to be experiencing all this beauty the way i do
the best things for you darling
all the best things that make me happy- i want them to make you happy
and content is all i'll ever be once that happens
even if it's a tiny moment
(my tiny moments with you mean so much to me
i could go on about them for days and days
but incoherence has never been much of a help)
don't watch the fireworks themselves; they are temporary
but keep still and watch how they illuminate the clouds with their colours
every boom every splash of that distinct vibrant red on white vapour canvas
every boom every splash of that sight is what i want to keep for you
i know you don't throw things away easily
but why do you show me that you do
leave me hanging, leave me thinking i'm just another play toy for a boy
yes a boy but you have never been ordinary to me,
you have so much more purpose in my life than the others placed in it
why'd you gotta go and make me feel this way
why'd you gotta go and make me give up then turn around
take one more wrong turn cos it's a long drive back to vegas skies
vegas never held my heart anyway.
so if this makes you happy i will wait all over again
for once i am not relieved that this isn't the end of the world
because that call would've held so much more than an 'accident' and a 'sorry' and a 'bye'

I swear I'll break your face if I ever-
I think I'll hate you like nuts if you ever-

If you ever.

ARGH WHAT KINDA SHITTY FEELINGS ARE THESE
CAN YOU HELP ME ANOT
WORLD END THEN WORLD END LA

CHEEBS.

fk you la

sweet disposition

I walk
I pop the straw in
I suck
slllluuurrrrppppp

Can't believe I'm breathing
Never really knew how to breathe before this, did I?

I have this ability
To let you slip right out of my fingers
A hundred times, over and over
Before I finally want to hold you

I pick so carefully
I picked you
Sure why can't we celebrate a feeling?
Why make it definite?
I watch you
Kick up a whole theoretical fuss
When someone toys with your love

I am Allie
I am screaming at you, Noah
Noah why Noah

So I take a step
Adjust
Pop the wilderness in
I suck my senses dry

Every sweet disposition is inborn

But.

Seriosity is manandwoman-made

And haven't you heard?

Seriosity fucked the cat over

I believe in a quiet world where two people meet.

And nothing can break that.

--
argh thought of the way she touched you
screamed FUCK YOU into my pillow and started crying lika baby:'(

tiny glory

I am discouraged, yes by how circumstances have been screaming in my face, telling me that I’m gonna lose out.

I’ve lost my will to fight.

And life keeps pushing me through its dirt and its tiny glories… but I am left so hungry for so much more.

Just to see my hard work get paid off. Just to see myself where I’ve always seen myself. “Here”.

Bad hair days get to me. As well as the oiliness on my face and the smudged liner that makes me look eight years older and the black circles around my eyes that I am so afraid to let you see.

Tell me I have a glow left. Whether you’re a friend or someone I love.

Not in the tanness of my skin, not in the colour of my hair, not in the red of my rouge but just look into my eyes and watch my entire being from there.

Tell me there’s more to look forward to.

Like a victory or something.

white peach muffin

I look scaryyyyy wooooo~~~ 

It’s Mothers’ Day.

I bet there’s a lovely group of women at a part of this world celebrating a self-declared “I Hate Children” day. I bet they’re partying so hard right now.

I think it’s okay to feel sad.

It’s okay to be inflicted by a certain sort of pain.

Because without it, you wouldn’t know what it’s like to heal.

It is so hard being an expressive and brutally honest person the way I am.

So far, I have failed to be selfless this Mothers’ Day.

I was as black as a storm cloud at today’s tea.

First and foremost, it wasn’t filling at all.

Second, my mother looked at me in disgust when I said I wanted to order a Mac n Cheese.

Third, the waitress at Spruce attended to me with such a shitty attitude and its stench offended the shit out of me. I wanted to flick her forehead with my bendy plastic stirring spoon that my parents thought was of ‘no class’. They even requested for these stirrers that came with our coffee cups to be taken away and changed to metal spoons. ‘Embarrassed’ is too vague a word to describe how I felt.

Wanna know something?

I’m sitting on the toilet bowl with my favourite pair of shorts hanging from my knees. Haha

Kids In Glass Houses are playing.

I listened to Giving Up in the car on the way back home.

My eyes went roly poly, my lids went blink-clink.

Just when I thought I wouldn’t think about you anymore, every single line of that song hit me like a tidal wave and I love you all over again.

Maybe you don’t wanna hear what I have to say. Maybe you don’t need me around. After all, you are independent aren’t you? Like Hamlet and Ophelia. I’m not Ophelia but you sure make me feel like her.

Fucking ant bit my ass cheek. This line is kinda suggestive.

Some necrophiliac on Tumblr posted “I miss squeezing your butt cheeks while we kissed.”

I reblogged it.

Me likey.

Do you know how I feel when you tell me he’s in love with the memory of what things used to be...

I feel like laughing in your face.

I hope you like my quiet stubbornness.

Cos it disagrees with the same amount of assertiveness you have.

It disagrees with every piece of my soul that loves you and every crease of your thick elephant heart that doesn’t love me back.

So this I will promise you:

Every kiss for the future boy I love will never be selfish.

Every motion of my tongue for the future boy I lust for will never set him on fire.

I will not close my heart to his touch.

We will make love to A White Demon Love Song.

That is all.

The Tongue Flick

I am so tired.
I feel like a human lizard.
Tired physically by the way.
My eyes are slits and I can't even speak properly.
Mehhhh
I shall write a Tired haiku.

5 7 5 right
ok here goes

I am so tired
I feel like a human liz
Hope you think of me

byebye

Dunno

It has come to my attention that I do not know how to make conversation anymore.
I wonder why.
Is it because I channelled too much of my effort into building us up?
Now I am afraid of being alone with someone.
Now I hesitate and think about consequences before going over to say hello or to sit with a person.
Consequences.
What the heck are the consequences of sitting with someone for a little while?

Well, I don't know.
But maybe it's because I look at you and me now and it's all... different.
I see the way you see things and I despise myself for being under the influence.
I wish I didn't have a memory.

The good that comes from all this is that I think I'm beginning to trust myself.
It's pretty forceful, though. (Crazy sick of this hole that I'm stuck in.)
I still do things and ask people if I should've done it in another way.
They tell me no, they tell me yes.
I tell myself "dunno".
But I also tell myself that I will not be made a victim of a stupid feeling.
I'm pretty shocked at what I've become after the holidays. Everything's been zooming past so quickly.
If I were to commit suicide now, no one would ever know judging from the way I've been behaving around people. (That is, if they never find this blog and my notebooks)

I'm angry okay.
If that's the word you want.
I'm angry for not having done anything about it.
I'm angry at myself.
And I'm blaming you, you see?
ARGH

Hello hope.

The night forces me ever so gently
to think
Of reason; of conscious choice

"How do you feel?"
Hello, Therapy
What have you ever done for me?

Right on track, these train tracks
What can I answer to that,
do I even want to answer it?
Wow, new feeling
New scaly eyes

There I go
Making tough love to this:
Never having owed my mind anything to think about

The way I think about you
Guards up, guards down
Now they're not even there
And I don't even need to try
I AIN'T EVEN MAD.

So my heart got sent back into the world
Enough of caves
Dripping water
All the tears you owe me
All the indecision I owe myself

So my heart grew wings and catapulted itself out there

And I'm flying, flying
Giddy but flying, flying

You come and grab me by the heels
Nah ah, you forgot that I am now able
I watch you with pretty eyes
Detaching my heels from your purple wrists
Give me back my skin, you sticky slug

Flying, flying
This indifference has never felt this good
Forget about the intensity
Forget about being nice, darling
Your reality is just as real as mine

Wanna make this work?
- I ain't even hoping.

You rock these knuckles hard, hard against my own skin
You rock your crotch hard, hard against my mind
Mmhmm
Remember the intensity
Remember about being nice
Your dreams are just as real as mine
Your fantasies are just as sexual as mine

Hello hope.