I have begun to see flaw after flaw in myself,
In my perception of things, in my ways, all my ways
I am threatened by threats, struck down by words,
Made weak by my own superficiality
I see lack and not enough-ness here and there
I don't even understand my own unhappiness.

In this home, there is no respect, no appreciation.
In this home, I have no voice and am not significant enough to produce change.
In this home, I am only someone who complains, not someone who gives her all as a daughter.
In this home, we are all blind to love.

There is no love here; only in my father's heart.
This does not feel like my home.
Christmas is in two days, but I dread Chinese New Year so much.
All of you who tell me I don't help out- I won't help out.
I am going to be a fat kid sitting there, watching you serve as if doing so will earn you a place in Heaven.

morning come soon

Sometimes I have no words
Because I am ashamed to be this way

This is not one of those times
My words are, I love you,
I wish you called me of your own accord,
And I wish you didn't go.

There are many first times that we will have
And if you are to leave me alone this time,
Without saying anything else to me or to hold my heart,

Then tonight will be our first night.
Sleep cannot serve as an excuse,
for the hours we are to spend being apart, being misunderstood,
Every breath I breathe will miss you baby.

And tomorrow will be our first morning.

I promise
I will never ever expect again.

My own hopes fail me

But then again, why wouldn't you call, why wouldn't you want to see me?
Didn't you call me beautiful
Isn't beautiful miss-able?
Aren't I miss-able?
No?

mmmm :)

Saizeriya and eggtarts and tossing in water was all so dreamlike, all so sweet.
The Kenman and I are going to make homemade burgers next week!
I can't wait. I will fry you the best beef patty ever.

Also, while I'm in FATKIDMODE, here's a list of food I have decided to conquer for the coming month:

- Tako pachi. shit la
- Ice creams
- All things fried and oily
- Pastries (except the cake that I'm going to share with Nida on Monday)
- Pasta :'(

My friends came over for my birthday dinner and we had Peperoni's XXL pizza! It was such a cosy night with zero alcohol and yes, I ain't lucky- I'm blessed. I was sober (but oh, who is ever sober around my babeh? GEEEEE.) Wish Josie had been there too though!

The tarts that Elsa (and Hana?) got for me. Loved the peach one the most!

We are very nice people

Mafia bosses. Spot the difference! (person at extreme left of the couch) Kenman had a bad tummy@.@

My fave picture. Spot the difference again. No reward.

Today marks the last day of the three intensive theatre rehearsals (in anticipation of "Women In Hamlet") we've had so far this December.
We've been working really hard on our blockings, getting into character, cutting down of lines and above all, understanding the script so we can get used to the language/memorize it all by January
This is so much more taxing than TSFO because it's a Shakespearean play.
Like, "Ho, Horatio!" and "A little more than kin, and less than kind" and "There's a fair thought to lie between maid's legs!"
But I will pull through because that's what we gotta do.

I knew December would be good. It always has been.
That is all.

Body

Body, believe you are whole
Believe in something magnificent

Body, you may fall apart
Like sticks that must be picked up carefully
To let somebody win

Body of pains, small to big
From first sensation to first kiss;
First love to first death

Body, live to see hope
Live to make things good
And then be blind again

Body, call me your own
So I can live.

My back hurts.

- end -

myob

i know people change real quick
but what if  they've been this way all along
it's not as if i knew them since they were little

i wonder:
must i always watch, must i always watch out
that's exactly my point- that it's not a must
but it's in my nature

but people are not mine
and i do not expect anyone to change for me
after all, i wouldn't change for anyone

i would've told me to fuck off.

I'm not sorry.

Sometimes I'm so angry I just want to get up and leave the lot of people who have hurt me, but I love them, so sometimes I want to be many things to them too. And this is one of those times. Sometimes I want to be a sister, a mother, for the longest time a lover but above all, may I be a friend? A friend who will never hurt and even if I do, without any bitter intention to. I am so careless with my actions, I know, but not my intentions especially when I set them solely on you. I know who I have hurt and I don't lay my head down on my pillow every night without the thoughts hitting the bed first. These thoughts are like raindrops that patter down and they patter down like a thousand little rocks. They try to stone me. So I try to sleep but I can only stare and ask the ceiling why you let me be, why you let things be, because I was so sincere and such a jealous little thing that I cried quite hard. If you thought you were a prize, well, I am too. When I cry now, though, it all feels different because now, I cry when I miss my lovely boy. I can't be happier knowing that you will make the effort to fight for me because none of them did, love. And even so, I had to fight to seek it out myself and they took my patience for granted. Just things lurking at the back of my head; this fury that I refuse to chase although my subconscious is elbowing me in the chest to resolve matters. I'm sorry I let the past get to me and this is the only thing I'm sorry for, nothing else. No, I am not sorry for anything else. (Of course I'm sorry I almost blinded you with the umbrella on our walk up!) My birthday was spent so nicely. I am always reassured whenever I re-read haiku you wrote for me and your eyes when you sleep. I just want your lashes hawhaw. The sequined pouch smells like you and I wonder if it is its natural smell because if it is, I am so lucky to carry you with me. I will keep that letter forever. I wasn't very excited for this birthday but you made it very nice. Effort goes such a long way, all the way to Cluny Court and back to Dover station again. Swear a thousand fireworks exploded in my heart when I read those words, I'm exaggerating I know, but it did feel like it. Dear God, give me patience and love for the harsh words people say to me and the strength to never lose to life. Help me adore the weak and the strong alike, and to love my body the way You made it to be. Grant me the answers to my burning questions so I may make my peace with you. I never want to be indifferent. Don't spit me out, it is not very nice. Amen

reign over me

I am eighteen and I am Yours.
I have walked with the spirit of shame.
And now it's gone, I can see that You've always been walking beside me, holding my heart all along when shame took hostage of it.
I remember Lifeng's prayer for me last year that shattered me inside.
She said that she saw no light but she saw Your staff guiding me.
And this is where all my faith is set upon.

The fact that no matter how far I've walked this journey of life, I am Yours.
And not sin's.