There are a million things I don't want to remember
I post, edit and delete, post edit and delete - what do I do that for
Why should I care about who looks at anything I post?
Why should I care if it's you
I don't know how to get the hell on with this heaviness in my brain
I don't know what to say to God or what to give thanks for

Because I know I am not thankful
Deep down I am hurting with this residue I am left with
I feel so tired of contradicting myself, of being this irrational being I am
Here I am so afraid of loving all over again
Why did you not tell me, why did you not say anything
How could you keep me guessing
Wasn't it your responsibility
Sorry yes but sorry no
Sorry no, no no no.

I am forced to take sorry yes
I want to slap you
I want to hurt myself really bad, all over again
help, no not yours

sainthood is stupid

I met Deb last night and we talked alot (as usual) over dinner and Ben & Jerry's.
Lemonade sorbet is good stuff.

Was thinking about how I've been feeling these few days and I'm not going crazy.
Feels odd not "suffering" the way I thought I ought to.
Reviewed my circumstances and I've realized that... I finally have closure.
And I just stood in the shower tonight thanking God and even you for letting me have that.
Proves that you're a nice person.
Proves that I'm able to accept things the way they play out to be.
I feel strong.

Wondered about why I've started to love myself more.
Used to think that I am nothing- okay in fact, I really am nothing.
But I am something with the people around me because they love me.
I don't live entirely for them but I want to love myself because of their love.
I want to honour it.
Because they see me differently the way I see myself, why shouldn't I have confidence in them that what they judge me for is... good?
I wanted a different view on why an individual should have self-esteem and Jon ong said it increases a person's probability of success, which I really agree with.
Then again, I relate the question of what success is and whether it's worth it back to our purpose and why we're alive....grah.

Sometimes I wonder if I believe in God because of the amount of faith I'm already 'given' or born with.
And I don't want it to be just that.
I want it to be judged through the experiences I have throughout my life.
I want to be tested, rebuked, disciplined- I want to be aware of the intangible, the great unknown and the peace that only that Someone out there can give to humanity.

I don't know.
I just want you to be fine.

The gig was shitty.

mmhmm

I am going to be afraid of the door slamming
Or the little airy touches
And the kisses reserved for me
The blueberries rolling beside my pancakes that you picked from the buffet platter
Sour as hell but you like my face when that happens to me
Salt
Whatnot

Yeah I'm just terrified.
But I wanna be terrified with you.

so i was thinking

Words are cheap; we’re all able to afford them but pity the one who believes words that have been borrowed.

Borrowed words are meant to soften and prick. Note that ‘prick’ comes after ‘soften’. Words like that are merciless, and even genuine apologies lose their sincerity like how your stupid tongue cannot keep still – “you should’ve asked”.

I will step out of this game entirely because I am fighting with Pride.

If I was merely someone to be conquered then… maybe I never knew I was in it for the thrill as well.

Everyday I question: Were my feelings concrete?

Or did I simply play the chase all too hard and too well?

Am I sick in the mind for liking the hurt that comes with it?

I have been hedonistic all this while... wow I never knew.

Of course I’ve gotten completely exhausted being faithful.

I was a wife.

You can’t tell me not to feel; you can’t tell me to heal. (KIV: You doesn’t mean ‘you’.)

Mm I ought to be surprised at myself for having clipped my heart’s wings down because I would never have known the extent I’d go for something worth fighting for.

Or so I thought.

So here I consider myself lucky.

Because I am young, because I have time to live and time to redefine what I think is ‘worthy’.

Because I also have the right and authority to shape myself into a personality so unrecognisable for the sake of self-preservation- and all this I am able to do through selfishness.

But selfishness causes us to forgo dreaming. It makes our hearts weaker  and it builds unbreakable walls of thoughts, no, it builds MONSTERS constructed to fuel your self-denial. And all this we bring upon ourselves, like the way Macbeth miscalculated the prophecy and unknowingly led to his own tragedy.

And you’d think he did it knowingly.

Ironic isn’t it. (I love Macbeth)

I’ve learnt to be more careful with the steps I take, to burden my mouth for what I say and more recently, to appreciate and love every person (doesn’t matter whether I burn or grow cold towards) who enters my life but never to be influenced negatively by them.

So when God tells me to guard my heart, I will take heed. Like now. And I will not care for appearing/being desirable to anyone, both outwardly and internally.

I just wanna make some good ass music, slap on some Deep Heat for my fracking neck, get my manicure @ Far East and get this Noose script over and done with!

To end this off:

Bitter no,

Smarter yes but not in the way you think I should be and definitely:

More foolish HOLY SHIT YES.

The Black Keys + The White Stripes <3
fyeah blues rock

so many things i don't want to remember

oh for fuck's sake.

how how howwww

how.

Undiscovered

Some more than others and some.. well... Lesser.

Why can't I just be hedonistic for once and stop giving.

I want to be selfish.

I'm really tired of seeing so many details but detail is all I can see.

I look at trees swaying in the breeze and think them one of the most beautiful sights on Earth. 

But people probably think me stupid because I don't have an ounce of logic in me. 

Everything is based on instinct.

And sometimes I judge too quickly and yeah, I look even dumber that way.

It's so hard to live with myself, it really is.

Maybe I'm tired of suffering.

When I asked God to teach me to be patient, I never thought His lesson would take this long.

And it's still ongoing.

I need to retire. I need a break and thank goodness the school semester is ending soon.

Shit, I need days off to listen, to breathe again, to read, to get away from the world.

I need my privacy. I have to stop living for the external and START TAKING CARE OF MY HEART.

GRAAAHHHHHH

Restless is this heart of mine :(

I know, i know, i know, it's only natural to be sad over things that don't go my way or wished them up to be.

I know grief should be superficial and joy the one and only thing that resides in me after you dig out all the black parts of my heart.

But I'm hurting. :( I really am.

And I don't want to tell you the truth because I fear.

It's not like me to fear anything, especially things like these.

But I guess I don't want anything to break.

Still, I'm not okay. 

I just want to rewind everything and make it all good again.

Sigh will you help me save this.

Am I even worth it.

My heart is fleeting and I am lukewarm.

God please don't spit me out.

grrrraaaahhhhh

I'm staring out into the darkness over the quilt cover which makes hills and dents, ups and downs.
I'm so afraid of the unknown. I'm so afraid of asking but I love the truth.
The truth makes me stronger. It makes me suck things up, makes the scales covering my eyes peel so I can see.
And it's healthy. No hiding.

Zany tells me Borders may shut down soon.
I think we can all do something about it.
People are gonna cry and be crazy sad once it's confirmed.
They'd queue up in protest and demand it to open again.
I've had so many memories in that place and I can't imagine my favourite literature section in the whole world being gone.
And not forgetting the cosmic carpets and the awesome themed stationery.
We could all start an Operation: Save Borders mission.
If only people cared enough, sigh.

Anyway I'm tired and angry.
Chicks over dicks my ass.
I do not forgive flirts.

i have run out of praises to give you

gotta start
won't retain a single memory
yay

love is like a ripple

Hello all you furry sloths hanging from branches, chomping on leaves!
I'm at Macs with Zanymon and Hana(hey) and we're rushing our Philosophy presentation slides.
Okay no, maybe I'm blogging. *guilty face*
But I just have to write.
#nowplaying Giving Up On Love by Slow Club

Hana and I talked about how it's sad that you spend so much time with someone yet they don't seem to make your heart beat as fast. "Maybe he doesn't like you enough."
And of course you'd like that person to stick around but he/she will never make you feel that crazy high you do when you're with the person you're in love with.
Would you rather it be a firework or a ripple in a pond?
A firework is brilliant and sparkly and is set off by igniting a fire, and it looks like an explosive orgasm against the night sky. But look how it dies down so quickly and there we go, every spark spiralling downwards, as if forgetting it were once the most gorgeous thing in the world that was the envy of many.
But what if love was always meant to be calm. (And I don't believe in it being the envy of many either but if you succeed in making the world jealous while you're with me then... hee I chose the right man!)
I think the way I fall in love is like how a ripple is formed. It doesn't hit me with much of impact but feelings grow as time goes by. Look how a ripple is able to make waves and even touch borders and bounce back again.  Imagine tsunamis. It started out from a tiny ripple and look how it wrecked Aceh :/
I have to say that I find it mighty brave and strong-hearted of people to let time take them on that ripple journey. We could go surfing on waves and diving in deep waters. And to just let that linger. After all, water doesn't burn.
The word 'ripple' is starting to look like 'nipple'. Just sayin.

Anyway, I love you guys (and all my other friends as well, I know I'm known to be biased heh), as I've mentioned in my previous post. I don't want anything bad to happen to any of you and I don't ask for any of you to be strong but to just let me be the one who lived knowing you were all wonderful people.  We're now halfway through DTVM and thinking about it makes me feel like a total slug with a salt shaker mounting over me like a tower. I can't even see my own shadow. What am I saying.

Work kills but God's love restores.
Some questions will never be answered but there are some things we will always be sure of.

Love is still conditional.
I still can't wait to kill you.
x, sabertoothriena

okay.

Realised I have become more unforgiving and I believe it to be out of selfishness, for my own good.

I wonder if I should communicate with people more about these pent up feelings I have towards them.
But then I'm just gonna melt into a cup of slushie blue liquid and be that way.

I like the way people forget about me.
That way I won't have to remember them or think about their welfare all the time.
Maybe that's how my mother feels. That she can finally wash her hands off me and lead her own life.
I should stop breaking the stream of consciousness in my writing.

Anyway I'm finally done with my Story World and I actually want to go on the adventure my hero's so privileged to embark on! I should add more characters besides firebreathers, blackbirds and a pack of cards for townspeople though. I could play more with creating weird ass stuff with cool epic powers.
I find it so cute that we've all felt so embarrassed about our work in front of others but when we're alone, we're like fuck yeah.

What kind of word is 'cute' anyway. Cute should be stripped from the dictionary.
That'd be cute.

I haven't been in the best emotional state but I'm getting there.
I have been living with the fact that no one owes me everything, so I try to survive alone. On my ability and through both physical and mental strength.
But I guess You back me up whenever I need you. I suck, I know.
And I realise that not only have I been worshipping the wrong one, I've found out that You're the only one who's worth it.
Took me quite awhile to realise it.
And there You go, being Your lovely faithful self that I adore so, so much.
And I just long to be like You. To give the way You gave.

Poetry slam is coming up on the 12th of August.
They want more vibrant, positive poems.
I think I could churn out a few.
But I'll always end on a melancholy note.
I don't know, it feels more real that way. And shocking.

Don't think I've had enough of the thrill but I won't have any for now.
I think I hate you.
You can judge me now.

love
sabertoothriena
(ps: zanymon elsiechanzie bladiadi hanahey kenzo josie natzor you guys have my heart<3)

Hello Science

Hello Science
love is conditional. no, really. 


You could tell me I’ll never win but who said I ever agreed to play the game? Come kill me Science,

come force your facts on my tongue so I will say what you want me to

Pour your codes and genetics into my skin

And try to make me the person you think me up to be

You prove me up to be

Let proof and rationality override all the unsaid and the great unknown-

But no, you didn’t see those clinking lids and porcelain eyes

You didn’t see that stationary gaze, like I was the gift of tongues being avidly prayed for each and every night

He couldn’t hold me, he couldn’t get to me, he felt like he couldn’t have all of me

Like I was too much, too big compared to anything he has ever endured and wanted

Wanted. Why couldn’t it start there? But it was supposed to stop there

Science have you ever seen me be harsh before?

Because I will send fire and dust clouds to your land

And burn your theories through and through

(I got to get to you, I got to see this through)

They are complex, but I am so simple

To simplify, to make easy, to fight for what I want

But watch me gently now, gentle is all I will ever be

That is my duty and that is our difference

See I don’t let anything go, I would like to try hard enough

Science, your stars have blinded mine but you forget that I am a portion of the Creator

Science, you told me you’d live with me and we’d co-exist

But we are two stands

Two philosophies, not worlds apart

Hello Science

You have posed such a challenge to me

And sure I get tired. My love is conditional, no really-

See I don’t play games,

so come kill me Science before I kill you.

We both hate pixie dust.

gotta stop breaking

gotta stop breathing

gotta stop thinking

me,

you,

of you.

With love,

Faith