so i was thinking

Words are cheap; we’re all able to afford them but pity the one who believes words that have been borrowed.

Borrowed words are meant to soften and prick. Note that ‘prick’ comes after ‘soften’. Words like that are merciless, and even genuine apologies lose their sincerity like how your stupid tongue cannot keep still – “you should’ve asked”.

I will step out of this game entirely because I am fighting with Pride.

If I was merely someone to be conquered then… maybe I never knew I was in it for the thrill as well.

Everyday I question: Were my feelings concrete?

Or did I simply play the chase all too hard and too well?

Am I sick in the mind for liking the hurt that comes with it?

I have been hedonistic all this while... wow I never knew.

Of course I’ve gotten completely exhausted being faithful.

I was a wife.

You can’t tell me not to feel; you can’t tell me to heal. (KIV: You doesn’t mean ‘you’.)

Mm I ought to be surprised at myself for having clipped my heart’s wings down because I would never have known the extent I’d go for something worth fighting for.

Or so I thought.

So here I consider myself lucky.

Because I am young, because I have time to live and time to redefine what I think is ‘worthy’.

Because I also have the right and authority to shape myself into a personality so unrecognisable for the sake of self-preservation- and all this I am able to do through selfishness.

But selfishness causes us to forgo dreaming. It makes our hearts weaker  and it builds unbreakable walls of thoughts, no, it builds MONSTERS constructed to fuel your self-denial. And all this we bring upon ourselves, like the way Macbeth miscalculated the prophecy and unknowingly led to his own tragedy.

And you’d think he did it knowingly.

Ironic isn’t it. (I love Macbeth)

I’ve learnt to be more careful with the steps I take, to burden my mouth for what I say and more recently, to appreciate and love every person (doesn’t matter whether I burn or grow cold towards) who enters my life but never to be influenced negatively by them.

So when God tells me to guard my heart, I will take heed. Like now. And I will not care for appearing/being desirable to anyone, both outwardly and internally.

I just wanna make some good ass music, slap on some Deep Heat for my fracking neck, get my manicure @ Far East and get this Noose script over and done with!

To end this off:

Bitter no,

Smarter yes but not in the way you think I should be and definitely:

More foolish HOLY SHIT YES.