conflict

Yknow, when Bridget tells me "girl, you don't need eyeliner", I believe her.
On Christmas Eve, when Bridget told me to start thinking French and to accept my body for its roundness and lumps, I did.
I think it's people like Bridget who make me love life and myself more.
Thanks sexypeach.

This morning's sermon was about conflict.
About how conflict and fights start, because of jealousy and 'desires that battle within us'.
And also because we don't ask God and even if we do, we ask with the wrong motives so we might enjoy them for our own benefit and not in consideration of the people around us.
Or often, we don't need these things either because they're not good for us.

Today's sermon addressed the issue of getting upset when people hurt us without reason, and that sometimes we spend time waiting and watching for justice to come.
In which there are two types of justice.
a) When we're not granted justice, we strike first instead and hurt the other party.
b) God's justice; it being restorative and the result of a situation where both sides are blessed. It always seeks to compensate where we have lack or loss.

The analogy was: Punishment to the prisoner doesn't bring healing upon the victim.
Even if there is, it is only temporary.
I think that's how we're made victims ourselves, when we focus on lack and not the revenge that God has already promised.
And all this struck me, because I have been so upset about people cutting each other's throats without reason and I couldn't seem to understand why I had to love my enemy when they are obviously out to get me.
Holy shit, I think the craziest form of love is to pray for your enemy. I find it so hard to do that it's retarded to me.
But it's just the way it goes: Tearing down of pride just so He can work through circumstances, so Love can flow, reconcile and restore.

Lately I've been pretty aggressive and reckless with the way I handle things.

Sometimes the line between being yourself and not giving in to people gets smudged, though all I really want is to be myself completely around everyone.

I don't mean to be a people pleaser but I don't want to hurt anyone with my bluntness either. 

Which, of course, is ideal and can't possibly happen. 

Maybe that's why I'm so bloody selective about my friends, and majority of my closest friends are tactful, which I appreciate greatly.

It's too bad how people are so thick in the head till they don't notice subtleties or how they make people feel about some of their words.

Especially when it's their subconscious speaking, "for out of the overflow heart, the mouth speaks", and you can really see through their motives.

People should buck up on faking.

Yes this is me being unforgiving again, so give me time and I'll give you back the goodness I may have thought you once had. 

favour

Everything that matters has been in my favour so far.

I should count my blessings.

"Women In Hamlet" went surprisingly well, though it didn't feel like the best performance I gave. Honest. But it made my parents and my friends very proud of me, so I really can't ask for more. Mao's boots made me feel like nothing could shake me, even if I forgot my lines. I had a lot of moral support and His blessing, because it surged right through when we stood together as a cast, praying, and asking for peace to calm us down. It was meant to be, and we can't wait to watch Wicked together! 

My churchies and I have officially graduated as the J2 class of 2011. I shared a little and I was so blessed to have people open up to me about how they could relate and that they have either gone through/are still going through the same process I did. Just to be used as an instrument to reach out to the lonely for You, God, I cannot cannot cannot ask for anything more.

Also, this CNY, my mom and I haven't had any fights that involve any yelling or walking away. 

I told her about how I felt about the way she treats me sometimes when I try to help, and this year she actually made the effort to speak to me nicely and to ask me to help instead of NOT asking and questioning why I'm not helping. 

It's sad how people assume I don't help, I feel scorpions crawling around my lips when they thank me for helping or when they say I've 'grown up'.

But they don't know the reason as to why I don't offer a helping hand, they just don't.

It's still sad but my mom matters to me the most. 

I haven't been overeating, in fact I think I've lost my cravings for a lot of new year munchies. 

They look so delicious but I am so bored of them. I can't explain why, I just am.

I bought three new tops. One the shade of the bluest Japanese sky, another a portion of your dreamy tropical vacation sea (plucked by very skilled magicians and put into a silk shirt) and a classic Oxford green translucent long-sleeve complete with a loose ribbon just above the chest, as if presenting itself like it was a gift made just for me. I believe the things you own are fated to be yours, no matter how long you have it or if you may lose it along the way. So these tops discussed with the dollar bills and vouchers I had in my wallet whether or not they should stay. And my dollar bills were feeling sacrificial so they gave themselves up and my tops are, well, with me now. My green top is waiting to be ironed and I can go collect it from Johnna's room first thing in the morning. They all fit very nicely. Mao and I are working on building our personal wardrobes and looks, so I'm comfortably on track. 

What makes me feel even more at home is that Mao's coming over tomorrow. Mao is enough for me, though I wish more people could make it.

So there is nothing I should feel upset about, though I did feel like a raging heap of shit before typing all this down. I guess it is good to count your blessings once in awhile. I stand by what will always remain: There are so many things to be grateful for.

Happy dong dong dong qiang new year boobs!

Inner Child

"Say 'please' and you can have that Red."

Adult talk.

My inner child was lied to.

That pretty girl who sat by the window in kindergarten class

Wouldn't pass the crayon.

"I guess we're not friends anymore"

She fluttered her lashes at me and I watched her flowery lips move

"We will not be friends today,

Then friends again tomorrow,

Then after that you'll be my enemy like today,

E.T.C."

It sounded ingenious,

so I swore with my pinky

And proceeded to poke her in the eye

Which eventually made me cry

My inner child was lied to.

And yet my inner child believed:

Believed she could be the most 

Loyal of all puppies when she wanted to

And a baby iceberg whenever she pleased

But there was a lack of Red

So the puppy grew into a dog then into a wolf

And finally a full grown beast,

Its horns raised to the shyest crescents and virgin fangs

Slicing the heatstroke wind

The beast honed an affection so ferocious,

That outlasted the fiercest of summers

So she wiped out the Atlantic winter

And let a thousand Titanics pass by,

Unharmed

So every Jack and Rose story

Could be lived to be told without any tears

So every blue sapphire was never mistaken for anything except it's own kind;

It could finally be saved

And the worth in it is that

it is rare.

My inner child was conned.

With rarity comes opportunity and

With opportunity comes the trying, the erring

And the Red.

I'm always left wondering who taught me the basics of anger

Because I couldn't have got here on my own

I hope you like this crayon,

This is my angered love for you.

The attention spent on you - worthwhile

The heart wasted on truth - correct

And the beast with her galled eyes - woman/girl

My inner child was lied to,

But my inner child only wants to be held.

That is all.

--

a little something i wrote on the bus t school

bad day.

world weary

I don't understand the friendliness that comes back to me, unreciprocated and empty, as if it were making a mockery of the fact that I have hands which hold, which cherish, which have the ability to give warmth.
Why do the things that I hold close to my heart never fail to be fleeting- what, am I scary?
Do I show my affection too intensely, no you cannot say I don't because it is in every good thought that comes to mind when I give you words and as far as I know, words have built you up and broken you down so I know, I know.
It's something I can't cry about because I refuse to be torn down by a mere friend.
Then again 'mere' is not a word I meant to use, because you are so much more than that to me and I feel hurt because you can't see that.
You don't see me.
And I can't talk about it because I'm just gonna be called sensitive because of the amount of fucks I have given.

Is this modern day loyalty or what.

Everything has been coming at me and drilling holes in my vision so I feel like I'm a fly really, like I have a thousand TVs in front of me and I'm like a spectator, out of my body kinda experience where I see people do things to show me love, do things to hurt me, I see it all and although I'm supposed to be untouched, I am shaken by all these experiences.
If Bad were a pet, I'd kick it in the groin and throw it in the face of that self-indulgent shithead of a lecturer.

more

"Let's talk about our feelings."

Most disgusting words ever strung together to form a conversation that is necessary because we have to live.

There must be something out there that wants to protect me from everything.

For once, I want to be sheltered for a little while.

I want to live and meditate in a temple overlooking a sea where it's autumn everyday.

I want to make art and have salads, shoes and dogs.

I wish I had time to take up cello lessons.

I feel like I can't love people anymore.

I am grateful for what I have, but I am still seeking for a constant.

I need a constant.

A sudden bout of negative, unromantic thoughts

So I was reading Frankie and I came across this little story titled "Perth Is For Lovers", which led me to wondering if Singapore is the place for couples with no income. How about...no.
Falling in love in Singapore puts a couple in one of the most challenging situations ever because there is absolutely almost nothing to do and nowhere to explore. Especially if you've been here all your life.
You don't get theme parks that cost less than 10 bucks to enter, Orchard Road is overrated, there are no forests that can assure you that you won't get taunted by a random ghost, you don't get raunchy, themed sex motels (which, hey admit it, could be lotsa fun and yes I obviously watched Blue Valentine), we don't have high rocks or cliffs that let us jump off into blue, blue seas like free men, weed isn't legal and we don't have any great beaches to chill out at. Even the sand from Sentosa is bought and shipped from Indonesia.
Movies are so expensive and you can't make out in peace at the back. (Because I know I'm the type that turns around to stare at people kissing.) And I don't think couples would go to a club to spend more time together.
Though I think the upside would be the music concerts/plays/musicals/exhibitions at the Esplanade and MBS.
Or trespassing mansions and bungalows at Sentosa Cove and going swimming in one of the pools when no one's watching.
Not everything fun is illegal, but my point is that everything is so expensive!
Except if you're both fans of roti prata and hawker food, then that's just worth it because food is great.
Then again, if you're with the right person, going anywhere is fun.

Anyway my dad's wide awake waiting for my mom to come home from a wedding dinner.
I think he loves my mom very much.
Last night I was in bed with my dad and mom and I just can't hug my mom anymore.
It's sad, I know. I miss my mom. I wonder what has come between us.
I think it's me.

I will see the season through/ I will fix my eyes on You

This is how I will approach the coming year:

To always reflect

To excel, fight, but first and foremost with patience then aggression

To never compromise and to remain loyal to all things and people who are good

To rest and laugh.

I love big cats!!
--

Circumstances don't define us.

The past year is history and I have left every burden behind, though it doesn't mean my flaws don't contribute to who I am today.

To me, a "fresh start" means a repentant heart.

I believe 2011 was a year long phase that has made me sad, made me weary and angry at almost everything.

I needed a reason for you to say mean things to me, if not I'd never accept it if "you just felt like it".

I needed a reason to keep poisons away from me.

I needed a ton of reasons to go back to church regularly.

And I had plentiful of reasons to be revengeful and hurtful.

But I guess in the end, the One who is said to be sovereign has proven Himself to be, always, and rescue came to me.

"In his eyes she eclipses and predominates the whole of her sex."

I want to always be your softer passion, and the one who makes you happy till we don't want this anymore. Which will probably be a long long time. 

Lust and love must coexist and I trust in love more.

Sometimes I fear lust because it has had men at their most fleeting, at their most charmed states.

But when you look at me, I know I trust in love more.


--


Dear you:

I know what you feel.

I know that things like that are taboo, you can't speak about it because you can't be weak.

But I already know what you feel.

It is in every blink of your eye, in every swear you've made.

They think you as ambiguous but I see it straight through.

I picked up those words and they were disinterested and of course, politically correct.

But you are not the victim.

I know what you feel and I hope it passes soon.

How could hope exist here
In this place
Where people kill just so they can kill?

How could such a delicate mind bloom
And not be tainted black;
All the best minds are dark masses now
Blurred vision makes you cry poisoned pools of shit through festered crevices

That's right. Shit.
Give me back my eyes
I still need my sight
To see things
Things
In the man who gave his last dollar to save another
In the widow who waited for her dead lover to resurrect
In the amputated leg to grow back again

How could my mind breathe
In a place
Where people judge so they can stop being judged?

How could hope exist here
In this place
Where the most righteous justice has not visited yet?

But I guess I will have hope.

Patience

Everything has fallen into place.

Don't think it felt more complete than it had been yesterday night.

And yet it's still unfinished.

Like the unburied coffin to end off the book of Genesis.

Last night at Watchnight I was reminded to look forward, to turn the page because there's an Exodus waiting.

I grew up this year, in terms of worldliness yes but not in my spiritual walk.

And this walk, no matter how many times I've hidden out of shame and rebellion, You still followed me.

I promised myself I would never grow blind to Pride but then again, it was a promise I made to myself and I broke it because all I cared about was... myself.

And I grew blind.

But how do You do it, how do You always make everything fall into place at the right time?

"Patience, patience."

This morning I lay beside you and I told you that beginning of 2011, I asked God to teach me to be patient.

And I just realised something.

That you are the one who has been telling me to live by that very word throughout the month of December and I cannot be in awe of how god-sent you are.

I asked God to give me someone to love and someone who loves me back the same way.

Look at where I am now.

So I continued to ask, then I made mistakes but yet I still received.

That's how I know You never go back on Your promise.

That's how faithful You are.

That's how I know You love me because You give me second chances.

Thou art mine, and I am thine.

The devil is the father of all lies.

The devil never tried.