octxymoron

Jeremy Fish's (one of my fave graphic artists and that is one intense beard) new work:

He gets his inspiration by collecting stories from his friends and people.

"The last couple years I have gotten really into the Grim Brothers. I always knew that they were the original story tellers behind a lot of the old Disney stuff or shit that they took and reworked. So I started to follow them a little deeper and got more into their stuff, and it's as classic as mythology story telling gets."

It has been a pretty nice Sunday.

Ron, Anna and Lea are in Singapore and they're all so lovable. Which means I love them very much, yes I do.

Woke up to have breakfast with everyone and Lea got to try fried white carrot cake and the usual hawker food. Then we showed Lea round the wet market.

So this fishmonger says to my brother in Mandarin "Hey! Are all three beauties from the three kingdoms yours?!"

There were four of us (Lea, Anna, my cousin then I at the back) and I couldn't believe the guts of this man.

So I shouted WALAO THREE NIA!!!

Sure, there was banter here and there, blablablahhh, laughed it off but honestly...it hurt.

I'm being petty,  yes I know.

It has always been hard for me to accept the fact that I have never been 'pretty' in the average Singaporean's eyes. 

Comments like these matter to me especially if they are my mom's. (Well, technically she's Malaysian but still.) And I wonder if she'll ever know that. I wonder if she knows that she was the very first woman I have ever loved in my whole life and what she made me feel when she tore me down.

I remember my papa's sister comparing me to my cousin over a dinner last year, announcing to the entire table that I am so much 'blacker' and saying that my cousin looks so much prettier than I do.

It is the same vibe I got from that fishmonger (skinny tiko-looking guy who sported a very lousily dyed, collapsing mohawk) and sometimes when I get comments like that, I feel like committing suicide just to punish that person.

And that amount of guilt she/he suffers will satisfy me so immensely that my bones will melt into the earth almost immediately once my coffin is laid down. And I swear my skeleton's jaw bones will smile the fuck out of shape. 

But then again, the people I love + kenzo are enough for me.

I am very grateful that people take the time and effort to get to know me and it is only my blessing that they love me back just the way I am.

I cannot ask for more, and I live for that.

Two days back, Hana and I had very intimate talk (me likey!) spread out over our favourite Starbucks egg white wrap lunch, finishing her errands and a little while more at the Hilltop cafe.

And I am so sure that I love her as a friend because she is so darn true to her emotions and what she stands for.

I can't even-

Nobody should take her affection + concern + anything about her for granted.

Anyway, I have been tired of doing things that compromise my happiness so here's a TO DO list I wrote on the back of a receipt the other day on the MRT:

Another * I'd like to add: Detach myself from material things or apply hot glue onto my earlobes every time I want to wear earrings (I realise I get very upset upon losing my accessories and knick knacks which I harp on which proceeds to me being a grouch and that just gives me wrinkles so all in all, it is BAD)

The month of October is coming to an end and this month I went clubbing for the first time and this is also me puking all over the pavement. Kelvin was kind enough to tie my hair and to take pictures with my phone and Lynette as I suffered in occasional silence (puking causes one to make sounds, uh huh) 

Bleeaaaaggghhhh

I also won second for CASS Factor *inserts modest mouse face* and I seriously wouldn't have won without all my friends and mama who voted for me! So many people cheered for me and I was so overwhelmed. I didn't get anyone to record the performance but I will never forget how much fun I had onstage. And backstage. On Whatsapp. Hehehe

Hey there Hana banana

This is Josieee *gemmy bling bling* 

Kel was the emcee for the night!

Theatre friends ohhhh me babies ohhhh <3

We like being dramatically awkward.

Danial and I singing When You Say Nothing At All + Chariot at a Toastmasters Event @ Ngee Ann

Random: Adi + zanymon filming an inanimate object

Whatsapp has been such a joy. And this boy agrees!

wheeeeeee

Kenzo and I went to watch Cara at her concert.
We had loads of fun. I can't even describe it.
ANYWHERE IS FUN AS LONG AS I HAVE MY GALLYPALLY- this I type as loud as I could yell.
And what were you thinking, you Caucasian passerby- of course we were going to carry on!
I am mighty mighty lucky.

Dear love:

This thing I'm in, this thing.

It has been the most unbelievable thing as dreaming goes.

What is it, I can never put a name to it.

A carton of milk pressed cold against a stomach stricken with gastric, a shimmering crystal cave with a shade that comforts and hides me from blinding, scorching sun (that makes me burn and hurt all over), an affection that lasts, a love that lasts, a sunny side up, a checkered flannel shirt waving in the cold wind and with that breeze your scent wafts to greet my senses and you make my head reel- what is this I don't know but it has my heart and I surrender.

October has been cute and have a great Halloween, patient reader of thy long ass post!

._.

Let me give you perfectly imperfect meaning
Let me resurrect new life to old touch
I would give all of my rotten self
Just to weigh your words against my heart
My trust is your anchor and your hammer's strength lives in my blood
We are moving, moving.

My neighbour has a girlfriend.
Geez, that wicked thing.
Never have I felt so happy for someone else and I don't even know him.

There have been best days, but I forgot about the word "better" and this has just begun.
I was right about it.....since yesterday.
Hee:)
I didn't lose you-
you lost me.

All this art by Alison Schulnik......andddd

......surfing fecalface.com <3 while t'was forced to wait for gallypally

Today is Spirit Day so I'm going to be a grape!

My mama is rushing me to go catch some early worms so I have to rush this too!

I'm just so grateful that I got casted as Hamlet for the upcoming play.

Just when I felt super down about acting in the previous Inside Out (due to censorship issues and they had to cut my monologue to accommodate the duration of the whole showcase), I actually enjoyed playing my French character in the end and now this...wow. Thank you God :)

CASS Factor is on tomorrow and I can't wait because it's going to be such a cosy event!

Fairy lights and candles are always a sure-win.

I think that's why I love themed parties so much. The details and colors = nice warm atmosphere = a moment.

Speaking of moments, Shanice is going to be thrilled at Michael's bio and I'm going to be momentarily stunned before I warm up to the crowd.

And have I told you guys that the band got selected for Anaki Records?!?!

I have a feeling that November and December are going to be the best days of my life all over again.

Because I know that when I share things/thoughts/places with you, you appreciate them. And that is more than enough for me. Just to have someone love the things you love and have his/her heart broken over the things that break yours.

This world is sad but this world is full of love.

Meowzors.

I like art and beer and the occasional social fling.

this is about me

My toilet is a place that I love, so I thought I'd share how much I cherish it in words. And all through writing, I was struggling with the idea of forgetting about someone. It was supposed to be funny but I forgot, you see. I remembered being sad in the end. Not a good feeling. Here goes:

My Toilet

My toilet is more than a toilet
It is second, though, to my room which is my personal sanctuary
But I will tell you about my toilet.

It is where I take them shits
And find faces on the cream colored marble wall
The patterns stretch on and on like telepathic veins;
They reach into my brain

There's that lioness with the single eye
And she looks on with such a fierce curiosity and vexation that makes me scared-
She looks like she's really into watching me pee
She looks just like you when you look at me

So this is about me
I see me in the mirror,
Laced with dangling earrings for
Every personality I choose to take on in the morning
And I wonder why my eyes feel a heat behind them
I say no, no
So I let my clothes slip off in my toilet,
I get quiet
And I caress my stretch marks softly, carefully
Like they could get angry and spread their claws upwards to choke my neck if I play the game wrongly
Stop when I feel trickling down my collarbones
And smile,
In my toilet

I shout at you when I am kissing the marble in the shower
There is a cemented line that holds it all together
And I imagine that to be your chest
But this is about me
So I lean against it
And make sure I say all the right things
So that it will stay intact and never split;
Not fall apart like we did

I squat down and the water helps
So we are making our way into my filthy mind
You holding my hand and me holding your crotch
And we are running, running,
Till you inch your way into my pink slit
Hit the wet walls in my head
And I like it
So, the water helps with the sound

I get up and pull my hair back
I say sorry God, sorry you
"I won't do it again, control control" in my toilet
But my knees, my voice and my faithfulness fails me
Still, we have to stop somehow
The second time I get up, liquid heat runs down my face
My eyes are burning, darling.

Sometimes I worship
I feel like angels visit me at the window when I sing,
When I sing out to the firmament to come fill this void in me
Wish I were that elusive squirrel's tree
Wish I were my mother's favourite bougainvillea bush
Wish I were with you, God
Why do you make me scream so much?
No one listens
In my toilet
I hear and hurt myself
That is not okay

My toilet
It keeps me
It keeps me and you
It is a place where we will never reconcile
My reality, my dream portal
I just thought you should know
I loved you with every heartbeat that surged its tired way through those veins
You see, those veins on the walls,
They keep me
This is about me, I promise.

--

spotless

I know "the end of missing someone" makes you sad.
Like how fleeting people are, how fleeting I am, how you have to be more selfish to get what you want.
You selfish, spoilt little brat.
There is no science and there is no proof that we need.
It is simply the sound of bones creaking and failing, creaking and failing.
Chorusing, spiralling down, edging itself into your memory and my present.

"This is it Joel. It's gonna be gone soon."
"I know."
"What do we do?"
"Enjoy it."

sacred

Inside Out was magical.
Being part of such a fun show is always magical (cue wand joke).
I love how everyone dances backstage and how we secretly spazz everytime the audience laughs.
My body gets this crazy tingle when it's my turn to be on and oh god, I absolutely love being involved in the set changes.
Being secretive + hiding behind black curtains with a bunch of adorable boobs is seriously my thing.

I was thinking how Rodney our director reminded us that the theatre is a sacred place.
It really is, because all humanity is at its most treasured and precious form there.
I thought about how we don't need to scream and cry to show a sort of strength that is derived from pain- and how the theatre has made me feel so fortunate because it serves as a space to amplify and showcase one of the most admirable human characteristics.
I felt so thankful when I was home.
Even if I forgot that God was the one who gave us all this talent in the first place- He gives so abundantly and I know that, because I can see it all around me.
Anyway the walk home was so good because for awhile, there were no cars.
Just me, empty roads, quiet trees and freezing weather.
The best kind of moments that keep me alive.

Never felt more grateful to have such loving friends in my life.
The ones who always, always make it for our shows.
The ones who are always there to catch you when you're about to fall- yeah they're that good.
And they won't get up until you get back up on your feet as well.
While being my emotional pillars, they bruise alongside me.

I remember how you told me I must control myself when showing someone that I ____ them.
I believe that sometimes we don't run towards opportunities and that's okay.
Sometimes we make the wrong moves on purpose.
But. But.
So what?
Because then we wouldn't need miracles.
And miracles wait.
Great is the love that comes without warning.
What are you. Ugh.

Party in da basement tomorrow<3

all this while

Everytime I get jealous, I feel this strain in my heart, a heat behind my eyes and a pressure between my jaw.
Then I speak and my voice starts to make the sides of my throat hurt.
And I feel entirely broken.
Like goo and elbow bones all jutting out.

Sometimes your eyes tell me things.
Things that cannot be confirmed, things that are unspoken- which is your favourite way of expressing yourself.
And sometimes I see these things.
And these things are true.
And I love them.

I find it absolutely amusing and annoying at the same time how I make people talk about their feelings.
My questions get crazy blunt.
Like "how do you feel about me exactly?"
And I appreciate it when people tell me the truth.
It shows that they care.
They care that I care.
That's why I'm so lucky to have you.
Although maybe I ____ you like a dead person now.
A memory.
You stand before me: bright-eyed, my favourite person, the child of the fiercest angel and the most gentle demon-
You are living but whatever we had
Is dead.
That's why we have to stop creating. I know that well but I cannot, I cannot.

Do you tell people things because you want them to get to me?
Is that the only thing you want to say to me?
Because I cherish it and I keep it so darn close to my heart.
So close that sometimes I worship myself through it and it scares me.
And you make me stronger that way.

My head is throbbing but I want to write
I guess I can't
goodnight