2046

Dearest darling,
If we're not lovers anymore, can I be your filmmaking partner?
Perhaps you bring out the artist in me, and I realise that I am starting to appreciate your taste in things and matters that are both trivial and simple-natured because I love you.
If we produce and direct a crime film together, know that I'm doing it out of love.
I sometimes feel like I'm Marina and you are my Ulay, and one day when we leave each other, you will be back for me. Or perhaps I'll be the chaser again, and you may be waiting all the while for me to find you. I will find you.
Do you understand what I'm saying?
I appreciate you.
I adore you.

Love,
m²

Ahem.
So. After watching so many Tony Leung films, I'm starting to realise that my father is almost exactly like the characters Leung plays.
He is of a certain quiet charm (aka a quiet sort of sexy), an entertainer, a thinker and an emotional man when alone.
He read many martial arts novels when he was younger and lived through one of my favourite eras of all time. Talking business was his second language, with alcohol and cigarettes complemented by a manipulative, brilliant mind.
I love how much he loves my mom.
Even though she frequently goes about doing things undecidedly, she can be very careful at many times as well. Perhaps he sees that about her, and understands her subtle humour and that she's a real, faithful life partner.
He knows that she is 'auntie' around certain people, 'proud' among others but always loving when with him; either in my presence or alone.
My parents are such gems. I regret saying I hated my mother.
Our handwriting is almost identical.

Putting the 'can' in Cannes

I. Today marks the day Anthony Chen wins the Camera d'Or prize at the Cannes Film Festival. I am thrilled and bursting with pride this morning. It's not as if I know him, or that I've watched his films before - but winning this gem says a lot about this homegrown director right here: I am proud, because I know he is proud of his country and it resonates in his work! Eek!

It is in the way good filmmaking weaves the most unlikeliest of circumstances to not only address issues that burn and call out for our attention/awareness - but to also remember that at the end of the day, many things boil down to human relationships. That (in reference to Anthony Chen's Ilo Ilo) those who are deemed 'insignificant' and the 'lowest' of social classes have the ability to affect and to even craft our world. That we are all the same and we are connected in so many different ways, even if it seems impossible. And Chen saw that. Many directors and producers see that.

It is, in this way, that makes artists, storytellers, directors and everyone who is obsessed with creating to constantly work towards precision - in both representing and reenacting eras, times and scenarios with a sensitivity that longs to provoke, catalyse and even heal.

II. Storytelling is such an art, and I am still intimidated by it till today. It hasn't been made easier - even though I have supposedly spent two and a half years learning what makes a good story. I am so thankful for internship, because it put me in the centre of learning how to not only write, but how to save. It showed me that I am capable of many skills that others have said I'm not equipped with - heh heh. I still subconsciously nod my head as I remember Boss reminding the production team that the story arc and structure must always remain. Instead of bickering about how the story should flow, I guess the team forgot that it was essentially storytelling that would make the episode work.

III. All this ideating and working with you has helped me to grow closer to you. (Also, I am basically a bum around you.) It makes me see you in a different light and to know that you are so accepting. You are more accepting than half the people I know. I don't see any 'glory' in being the villain and we both know that we are all capable of what they do - and "that's okay." You make working hard look so sexy. Meow. *blush*

IV. Tonight is the first project meeting that my theatrepots and I will be having and hopefully, working on before I fly off. My mind is working like mad and I'm starting to notice I'm getting the crazy eyes. I am so nervous about this, I don't even know why.

V. I end this post with the reminder of the fact that God knew Royal Holloway would be the place for me. It didn't feel right with Kingston, and it has come to my attention that prestige is a factor when it comes to the quality of what I'll be studying, learning and majoring in. To continue doing both Drama and Creative Writing is such an honour. To know that the school has selected incredible books for our textbooks makes me so psyched, that if you looked at me right now, I'd actually take on the physical shape of a lightning bolt. Like, a literal zig zag. MY MIND IS SO ABSORBENT RIGHT NOW BECAUSE I HAVEN'T BEEN THIS EXCITED TO LEARN IN A VERY LONG TIME. Sorry for shouting, but I want to delve DEEP, I want to take that PLUNGE, I want to IMMERSE myself in LITERARY GOODNESS. I am so happy to be human, to be taken care of by You.

It is so apt and so satisfying to be at the centre of Your will. I love You Lord. {^_^}

I miss a certain face, a certain look, a certain gesture and touch.
And I don't want to claim it now.

Letter to Self

Heat behind my eyes, but I have to write.

I suspect I was unable to sleep, because I had to write. 

Thank God for the morning - it always arrives and it always rescues. 

Dear Li Ling, 

When you feel like your parents don't love you, they do. Never for a second doubt their self-sacrificial love or even think that you understand it better than them - there are so many facets to love, stop harping on what you think is right. Never undermine the love your lover gives you. But you can choose  how you'd like to reciprocate, and choose whether it is good or destructive for the both of you. Be decisive and firm about who you give your heart to, who you spend your time with. 

When you feel like your parents don't love you, they do. Though they may be the grandparents you've never had, your parents have tried to stay young for you. Don't forget that they have grown old, and as they age, you must mature as well. Time for solid spiritual food, not milk or baby pumpkin-flavoured squash anymore. Feed your mind with good things, ennoble your sexual instinct and embrace denial. 

When you feel like nobody loves you, remember 老师. She is the godma you've always looked up to, and because you are her student, you are also her daughter. It is a privilege, so don't take her for granted. Meet with her, make time for her, be there for her. 

When you miss the world and it passes you by, look to Heaven and remember the One who loves you with a fierce, a gentle, a jealous Love. Love, with a capital L, because He inspires your primary nature - which is Love - and His omnipresence, His everlasting covenant that He has made with you is not what the world can strip away. Be the first to get up and run to the tomb to see Jesus, just like Mary Magdalene, and remember that Jesus first appeared to her instead of the disciples - because she made Him her priority. In all things, know that holiness is better than the gift of tongues. If you have sensed a calling to nurture and to walk with somebody, do it. 

There are so many facets to love. Coldness could be a sort of warmth.

Li Ling, love yourself because He loves you. Give generously and surrender with humility, with reckless and reverent abandonment. Forget the abuse you have experienced. Work on your unforgiveness. 

When you feel like your parents don't love you, they do. 

x

Friend

What does it mean to be there for a friend?

Do you learn to love specific bits of them that hurt you?
Do you listen to them even if you're so tired and you can't differentiate annoyance from Stop?
Do you keep quiet when they manipulate and use you to feel better about themselves?

I think that you've found the one person you will marry.
And it's absolutely terrifying to have to let go of what you've always known to rely on the God everyone tells you about. Yet, you've experienced Him before.
It starts from remembering that little experience. It starts from being a child again, from saying "Jesus loves me and He is good all the time."

But I know how hard it is to abandon all to love God with your heart. When we choose worldly love above spiritual sustenance. It is a sort of sick worship we always guarded ourselves against and never wanted to get ourselves into. But here we are.

What does it mean to be there for a friend?

I hide behind a blog post, because I am faced with an unforgiveness and I want to stay away.

But, we must stop living our lives with excess. I texted you and you may text me back.

I hide behind a text, but I'll be here.