Letter to Self

Heat behind my eyes, but I have to write.

I suspect I was unable to sleep, because I had to write. 

Thank God for the morning - it always arrives and it always rescues. 

Dear Li Ling, 

When you feel like your parents don't love you, they do. Never for a second doubt their self-sacrificial love or even think that you understand it better than them - there are so many facets to love, stop harping on what you think is right. Never undermine the love your lover gives you. But you can choose  how you'd like to reciprocate, and choose whether it is good or destructive for the both of you. Be decisive and firm about who you give your heart to, who you spend your time with. 

When you feel like your parents don't love you, they do. Though they may be the grandparents you've never had, your parents have tried to stay young for you. Don't forget that they have grown old, and as they age, you must mature as well. Time for solid spiritual food, not milk or baby pumpkin-flavoured squash anymore. Feed your mind with good things, ennoble your sexual instinct and embrace denial. 

When you feel like nobody loves you, remember 老师. She is the godma you've always looked up to, and because you are her student, you are also her daughter. It is a privilege, so don't take her for granted. Meet with her, make time for her, be there for her. 

When you miss the world and it passes you by, look to Heaven and remember the One who loves you with a fierce, a gentle, a jealous Love. Love, with a capital L, because He inspires your primary nature - which is Love - and His omnipresence, His everlasting covenant that He has made with you is not what the world can strip away. Be the first to get up and run to the tomb to see Jesus, just like Mary Magdalene, and remember that Jesus first appeared to her instead of the disciples - because she made Him her priority. In all things, know that holiness is better than the gift of tongues. If you have sensed a calling to nurture and to walk with somebody, do it. 

There are so many facets to love. Coldness could be a sort of warmth.

Li Ling, love yourself because He loves you. Give generously and surrender with humility, with reckless and reverent abandonment. Forget the abuse you have experienced. Work on your unforgiveness. 

When you feel like your parents don't love you, they do. 

x