"The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the Word of our God endures forever."
Isaiah 40:8 (NIV)
Before I wrote this, I scrolled through the blog and read my previous posts. There was very little reason to be that upset. Georgie said it was probably because I was missing home, but I'm certain it was a little more than that. When I'm left alone, I start entertaining thoughts that fail to lift me up. I find myself spiralling down into constant worrying about the future, a sort of restlessness that only God can still. I knew that, but I never believed it, because I never ran to the Bible for help. Over church camp, I realised how much I trusted my church friends in Singapore even though I'm not actually close to them. I don't spend much time with them on weekdays, and I wouldn't go out of my way to. But now that I'm maturing in faith, maybe I should. The camp theme was "Looking Beyond Our Comfort Zone". As I'm journalling these thoughts down, I find God revealing what my comfort zone throughout these three years has been - when I intentionally remain elusive and distant from my church friends. And when that happens, I cannot grow to love the family of Christ as much. I cannot grow to trust them with who I am, especially when I constantly harp on thoughts like "They make me feel awkward" or "I don't think they'd understand." These claims in my head created a barrier that eventually became hard for me to break down on my own.
The two pictures above were taken at the Heath, where I lay down with church friends from Ascot in the sun, listening to John Mayer and Sara Bareilles. That felt perfect. It's strange coming back to BRMC in Singapore, because I've never truly felt at home here. But this summer, I want to create a new story. I want to be present, and I want to experience what stepping out of my comfort zone can truly do for me. I have to accept the fact that sometimes, genuine conversations are kickstarted by small talk - and that small talk isn't harmful as long as I take the time after to get to know whoever I'm exchanging the conversation with more, and with sincerity. I think it's time to embrace the idea of what a community means alongside the distinction of what a society is. Christ calls us to die to ourselves. Not in the literal sense, but it's more of knowing when we should stop feeding our egos or wallowing in our comfort zones and to get out there while abandoning ourselves to His love and His will for us, to immerse ourselves in what He's concerned about aka this world. I think it's great that Christianity doesn't justify evil - which is why the Gospel is always about love, because God is love (1 John 4:8). I also believe that I need to start seeing God as the God of reconciliation and sustainer of all our earthly relationships. The speaker at "Is A Belief In Jesus Rational?" reminded us that God is first and foremost a Father before His identity as Creator, just like the way a child recognises her father before his status as CEO of Company Blah.
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| Presenting the Brolly Brigade! Made out of myself, Tegan, Abi and Nikki. This has no link whatsoever to my post, it just shows that I have friends. I HAVE FRIENDS, YA HEAR?! |
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| Belle felt like home to me at church camp this year. Bullied me throughout the entire course of it, as usual. |
Finally, I blog so much about Christianity because I've personally found "this Jesus guy" to be the radical cure. My time and involvement at Royal Holloway's CU has not only let me make friendships that I will forever cherish, but it has equipped me with more answers and even more questions about my faith. Having more questions isn't a bad thing. In fact, it really drives me to persevere in seeking out the answers. It also teaches me what resting in God's love means, knowing that God's timing is perfect anyway. I write because I love writing, but I also write on this very page to pace myself and to document moments in my life where I've either been terribly upset or encouraged and thankful. In the end, I want this blog to document my growth as a Christian, a writer and a person. This is something I wrote in my notebook this morning and I'd like to share it on here:
"To take up my cross daily."
I work tirelessly at guarding myself against envy. But even as I scrolled through Facebook profiles of people who have made a name for themselves in the creative cum poetry scene, I found myself clicking on my own and asking, "Will I ever be this successful?" A question that scares me even more is the tempting possibility of giving into self-publishing. Now that I've joined Word Forward for the summer, I see myself gazing through this window of opportunity - that I may actually be able to publish my poetry collection with them! All these thoughts come with the opinion that publishing a book = success. That was when I figured I should probably come before God with this on my mind. So I sat down to write in my handy dandy notebook. I'm nervous about starting my job at Word Forward tomorrow. There is a self-deprecating part of me (some people deem this as crippling self-esteem) that finds my stunted vocabulary growth an utter disgrace. But I'm beginning to see that God has given me this summer job for a reason. Even Savinder, the director of Word Forward, said that I called her at just the right time, and she believes that "the universe is showing [her] signs, and when it does, [she] simply accept(s) it." The little bird on my shoulder is telling me that even before brushing up on my vocabulary, before churning out more poetry and before publishing a set of poems, the reason I was put in this place is because of what God has called me to achieve in contribution to His kingdom - and I don't mean this in a prideful way. I mean to say that my dream to be made into a missionary worker to teach both kids and adults of God's love through both spoken/written word and drama must be put first. I'm saying in all things that I do, I have to put God first - which is why taking up our cross daily/discerning and being aware of potential distractions are such tough yet essential things we have to do as followers of Christ. I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to have my own book published, but I'm guarding myself at simply stopping there. I want to make this life count. Because what God deems as success is different from what the world deems it is, and this I want to stand by for the rest of this season and for all the days of my life.
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I need to revamp this space over the summer, and to put in more effort into creating a poetry blog as well. Also, Dad's back with a fat packet of chicken rice for lunch. Cheerio!
