sainthood is stupid

I met Deb last night and we talked alot (as usual) over dinner and Ben & Jerry's.
Lemonade sorbet is good stuff.

Was thinking about how I've been feeling these few days and I'm not going crazy.
Feels odd not "suffering" the way I thought I ought to.
Reviewed my circumstances and I've realized that... I finally have closure.
And I just stood in the shower tonight thanking God and even you for letting me have that.
Proves that you're a nice person.
Proves that I'm able to accept things the way they play out to be.
I feel strong.

Wondered about why I've started to love myself more.
Used to think that I am nothing- okay in fact, I really am nothing.
But I am something with the people around me because they love me.
I don't live entirely for them but I want to love myself because of their love.
I want to honour it.
Because they see me differently the way I see myself, why shouldn't I have confidence in them that what they judge me for is... good?
I wanted a different view on why an individual should have self-esteem and Jon ong said it increases a person's probability of success, which I really agree with.
Then again, I relate the question of what success is and whether it's worth it back to our purpose and why we're alive....grah.

Sometimes I wonder if I believe in God because of the amount of faith I'm already 'given' or born with.
And I don't want it to be just that.
I want it to be judged through the experiences I have throughout my life.
I want to be tested, rebuked, disciplined- I want to be aware of the intangible, the great unknown and the peace that only that Someone out there can give to humanity.

I don't know.
I just want you to be fine.

The gig was shitty.