I'm not sorry.

Sometimes I'm so angry I just want to get up and leave the lot of people who have hurt me, but I love them, so sometimes I want to be many things to them too. And this is one of those times. Sometimes I want to be a sister, a mother, for the longest time a lover but above all, may I be a friend? A friend who will never hurt and even if I do, without any bitter intention to. I am so careless with my actions, I know, but not my intentions especially when I set them solely on you. I know who I have hurt and I don't lay my head down on my pillow every night without the thoughts hitting the bed first. These thoughts are like raindrops that patter down and they patter down like a thousand little rocks. They try to stone me. So I try to sleep but I can only stare and ask the ceiling why you let me be, why you let things be, because I was so sincere and such a jealous little thing that I cried quite hard. If you thought you were a prize, well, I am too. When I cry now, though, it all feels different because now, I cry when I miss my lovely boy. I can't be happier knowing that you will make the effort to fight for me because none of them did, love. And even so, I had to fight to seek it out myself and they took my patience for granted. Just things lurking at the back of my head; this fury that I refuse to chase although my subconscious is elbowing me in the chest to resolve matters. I'm sorry I let the past get to me and this is the only thing I'm sorry for, nothing else. No, I am not sorry for anything else. (Of course I'm sorry I almost blinded you with the umbrella on our walk up!) My birthday was spent so nicely. I am always reassured whenever I re-read haiku you wrote for me and your eyes when you sleep. I just want your lashes hawhaw. The sequined pouch smells like you and I wonder if it is its natural smell because if it is, I am so lucky to carry you with me. I will keep that letter forever. I wasn't very excited for this birthday but you made it very nice. Effort goes such a long way, all the way to Cluny Court and back to Dover station again. Swear a thousand fireworks exploded in my heart when I read those words, I'm exaggerating I know, but it did feel like it. Dear God, give me patience and love for the harsh words people say to me and the strength to never lose to life. Help me adore the weak and the strong alike, and to love my body the way You made it to be. Grant me the answers to my burning questions so I may make my peace with you. I never want to be indifferent. Don't spit me out, it is not very nice. Amen