Dunno

It has come to my attention that I do not know how to make conversation anymore.
I wonder why.
Is it because I channelled too much of my effort into building us up?
Now I am afraid of being alone with someone.
Now I hesitate and think about consequences before going over to say hello or to sit with a person.
Consequences.
What the heck are the consequences of sitting with someone for a little while?

Well, I don't know.
But maybe it's because I look at you and me now and it's all... different.
I see the way you see things and I despise myself for being under the influence.
I wish I didn't have a memory.

The good that comes from all this is that I think I'm beginning to trust myself.
It's pretty forceful, though. (Crazy sick of this hole that I'm stuck in.)
I still do things and ask people if I should've done it in another way.
They tell me no, they tell me yes.
I tell myself "dunno".
But I also tell myself that I will not be made a victim of a stupid feeling.
I'm pretty shocked at what I've become after the holidays. Everything's been zooming past so quickly.
If I were to commit suicide now, no one would ever know judging from the way I've been behaving around people. (That is, if they never find this blog and my notebooks)

I'm angry okay.
If that's the word you want.
I'm angry for not having done anything about it.
I'm angry at myself.
And I'm blaming you, you see?
ARGH