control

I am sitting at one of my favourite spots to write at and all around me is creation.

Trees, hanging vines, bright pink and peach colored bougainvilleas, the cooing birds, a man’s distant voice, my breathing and my existence.

They all comprise of structure, texture, lines, position, sound, colour, beauty, effort, time, patience, mystery, science, life and faith.

I think human beings are beautiful.

How the heart never stops beating until He deems it to cease.

How there is no better filter than the kidney.

How the eyes see such colour, transition and movement – the way a yellow breasted bird with stark, black lined wingtips and eyes catches your attention and perches on a coconut tree, darting about attentively yet managing to enjoy bathing in the golden warmth of the evening sun at the same time.

How we have moods and personalities.

How genius human beings really are.

How we have willpower and strength (that is either honed or innate in us) to survive. To discern. To obey.

Obey.

Suddenly I feel like the blackest sheep of all creation.

"Blessed is the Man who hears the word of God and obeys it."

I know I am able to break away from self-blame.

But.

I am not able to.

I have no more strength - I am drained.

I am a Procrastinator and I am content.

I am in a rut and here I will stay.

s.o.s.

Lord I need a breakthrough.