darkness

There have been nights when I've felt terribly alone and I want to cry, but I suppress it.
Because I know it doesn't do me any good. It is a way I try to discipline myself, knowing I will be comforted in the end or in a few hour's time. I say, "You are lonely now but you won't be lonely tomorrow."
Still, somehow when I speak to Deb, everything I've put at the back of my mind just pours out. Having listened to Deb's voice over Skype even made me want to burst into tears. But we laugh about how my Shakespearean Portia is really from Hong Kong instead.

I've been practically thrown into limbo, only thing that it's not over a boy this time.
These are university applications.
My faith has taken a beating and I am still being ground and crushed like an olive. A very, very distressed olive. Three schools have rejected me and three replies are pending. I have one unconditional offer which I am very grateful for, but Ron says I shouldn't settle for second best, since it's not an acclaimed drama school and that I can always try again next year.
I am not exactly terrified of going back with six rejections because I'll probably join a youth theatre group, teach tuition and help out loads at Theatre Compass over the one year. I'll get to watch plenty of plays and work much harder on monologues. I know what I'm going to do.
I've decided that I will definitely apply for the auditions again - this time with my own hard-earned money.
But the time is now. Because I have done no less than my best at these auditions. And adding to the fact that God's grace has truly been enough for me.
Being here also makes me realise and understand why my parents or even friends think I'm too laidback when it comes to grades or any competition for that matter. I feel that I fit in perfectly in terms of 'competitiveness' here. Do you know what it feels like to be around people who are both passionate about what they do yet follow their own pace of learning and execute great work? Watching Anna and Ron do what they do and living comfortably makes me incredibly happy, which is probably why I like being around them both so much. I can be quite auntie when I want to chope seats. Other than that, life's cool. But I am not going to stop challenging myself and my abilities as an actor or learner.
Which is probably why I dread all this competition with other auditionees, because I don't like comparing myself according to other people or how well they've fared. As a thespian, I think that I am good - but I can be better. That's all I want the RADA panel to know; I am willing to learn, be broken down and then built up again.
Train me, mould me, teach me.
I truly enjoyed my audition at RADA. One auditioner said that choosing to do Emily from Emily of Emerald Hill was a clever move and that I was a valuable actor because I am at the same time, a singer and I (sort of) know how to play an instrument.
I hope that when they review my profile from the list of auditionees, my ID photo will be smiling so hard at them that they can't look away and let me join them.

Yet I am reminded of what my attitude should, first and foremost, be before God.
To ask Him to train me, mould me and to teach me.
I took a break from this post to pray and I remembered the words someone had said while praying for me: "Li Ling I sense that you are walking through darkness. Sometimes there is no light, but remember His rod and staff will guide you."
I immediately flipped my notebook open, where I had taken notes down from the New Year sermon.
It was based on Psalm 23.

"Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff,
they comfort me."

I noted the pastor's words down: "the rod is the sceptre of the King and the staff is His weapon - both of which are symbols of God's authority". It also shows that "the psalmist knew the real presence of God in those low moments in life, that the Holy Spirit is what tells you Christ is real". Because "Christianity is experiential". Because it is of an "unanswerable witnessing", which is also "the infallible proof of Christianity that testifies you are a child of God".
I have been trying to find the words to describe and to make meaning of what I've been going through.
The word is "darkness". For me, this is aptly and surely the season of darkness.
Somehow everything falls into place - yesterday I went to the Bath City Church to ask for a prayer request and one thing that the man who had prayed for me said to me was "God said 'Don't worry about the darkness, I'll take care of it.'
Besides the fact that I am quite wary of charismatic Christians (heh), it was something that stood out a lot to me. It was something I needed to hear because that summarized the exact attitude I should adopt in the midst of these auditions, rejections and acceptances.
He also asked God to give me the gift of evangelism. He said I can use my skill set as an actor to do wondrous things for God. This was something I had thought long and hard about, and I'd really like to achieve these things.
I am simply amazed at how He has worked and once again, met me in the desert.
(Please don't think I'm being preachy or showing off how 'rooted' I am in my religion. He sees what I do in secret and I am ashamed of many things.)

In the end, I will accept everything that comes. I will work through anything I'm given, but keeping in mind the One who has brought me here in the first place.
Life doesn't revolve around these auditions, but when I stand before the gates of heaven, my name better be in that beautiful, rewarding book of Life.