Taking My Time

Hi guys,
I've decided to write.

On the bus back home I felt the urge to talk to someone about this.
Dean? Justin Low perhaps?
But I have to be at Woodlands MRT at 11.30 AM to help out with my friend's church's car wash charity project, so I've decided not to go to church in the morning.
I wanted to watch Fantastic Mr. Fox on my laptop but it wouldn't work for me.
So here I am writing.
And here, I'll be honest because, well, reality has never tolerated denial.

I've been thinking about church and the way I'm always told, "It feels like I haven't seen you for so long, it's been really really long."
Two weeks.
Thirteen days, to be exact.
No, I don't believe it's been long because I've been fighting and giving in to shit all over again throughout the weeks.
Sometimes I'm physically tired so I sleep in but sometimes, I just can't face any of you.
Is it shame, the fear of never being understood or the fear of being judged?
I don't know.

Not a day goes by without me thinking about my attendance at church or about how sorry I am towards God.
Thinking how I've been letting go of many values I used to cling onto with such faith, and loving the carpe diem religion.
The one that takes over me so wildly and the sick contentment I gain from it; the one the world embraces and practices.
Doing things because I want to, but I know the things I want aren't right for me all the time. Yet I do it anyway.
Say I lack self-control, but I say I'm not ready.

Is this anger?
Yes, I guess so. I've been feeling angry for so long. I saw this anger so clearly when I was at a camp meeting and all the older people saw it.
I've questioned it, I've chased it down to its poisoned roots and I don't know what tolerating it can do for me anymore.
What is worth tolerating and when does tolerating stop?

I guess this anger stems from the fact that I cannot relate to any of you.
I can't keep up with your lives nor do I see the initiative to be listened to.
Sure, keep me in prayer but what is prayer anymore when we don't bond.
I know my faith can't depend on the tightness of my Sunday School class and I'm glad that I've tested it and it doesn't.
I still choose God over the world, no matter what life throws at me.

Yet it's not about the number of Sundays I wait for this to get better and not about the patience I give to this - it's just something I can't get around.
It's not you, it's me.

Maybe our lives are too different. We used to be so close but maybe people change. Things change.
And I've grown to accept this reality, although it hits me like a bitch but I know I gotta get up and face this myself.

Maybe I'm also overwhelmed by the way I have to die to myself. Sometimes I don't feel like I'm enough for Jesus. And yes I know He loves me just the way I am, that I'll always be enough for Him but the perfectionist in me reminds me constantly about how imperfect and fallen I am. I'm so tired. I am fighting myself and through this, I've been afraid of facing God even though I know He's the only one who will understand and make a way out. I feel like I'm turning bipolar.

And I see now that I've been angry because I'm sad. I'm not used to getting up and leaving or doing things my way, even. I'm not used to giving into these negative thoughts - but what if reality is truly that negative? What if the truth is meant to hurt me this time round?

So I'm torn between the decision of getting off my stubborn ass to leave and staying because of how this church has made me grow spiritually - it has made me grow very well. Yet I'm alone on this one.
Do I choose how much I'm learning here or do I choose the people and environment I choose to attach myself to although I feel an awful sense of dread every Sunday?
Who do I ask for help or direction from.
Why can't I have both.
What the hell do I do.
mm I asked God to teach me patience so maybe this lesson isn't over yet.

I think about my role as a worship leader and I'm truly grateful for it.
But I can no longer be up there on the Drama Centre stage in this state of mind singing.
I still give thanks and praise, yes, to this situation because it has opened my eyes to many things.
I will wait patiently for what God wants me to do but till then, I don't know what to do, what to feel.

I ask that you give me time.
I ask that you do not feel disappointed when I am not at church on Sundays or Fridays but miss me, though :)
I ask that you also do not blame yourselves for the way I cannot relate to you guys.
Maybe it's time for a change, maybe it's not.
I'm in limbo, I don't know.

But God has been good to me, this I know.

In His Love+truth,
Li ling