Losing it

I've always fancied the thought of packing my bags and leaving for some place better, which is really pretty impossible and unpractical because 1. I still have parents who love me, who cherish me being home for dinner 2. Where will I go? 3. Who will wash my clothes?
I was lying on the couch, staring at the teletext my father was flipping through and touching the perfect alignment of digital words with my eyes.
I lay there and subconsciously, my mind floated to the idea of perfection as it had done before and I found myself asking God to find me all over again.
I was angry.
Angry at myself because the people at church will never be people I can relate to entirely.
I don't want to be merely there to give them a different perspective to life.
Maybe that's why I've stuck with my other friends for so long. Yes they are different but they are beautiful just the way they are. I don't want to change that.
I've been fighting so many things in my head.
What is wrong and what is right anymore.
What does God love and what does He accept?
Finding my strength in Christ has been so tough; I'm so afraid of falling into sin again and again and I'm so afraid of never living. Living.
I want to do the craziest things right now.
Yet I want to find patience, I want to wait and see but yes I suddenly find myself being entangled in a web of temptation - and I love it.
Have I grown to become sick in the head?
Because black humour tickles me ever so easily and it shows in the first script we put together yesterday in class.
Or am I numb. Do I want to become detached from emotion?
Where is the influence coming from, where is the me who clung onto Him and knew He'd be enough for me?
Is this a part of growing up?
Suddenly I find myself in the wilderness and I don't know where to go, what to do, what to feel.
Why have I become this way.
God, find me.

And I hate classy, having to live up to what you like and adore and express so much of your stone cold love towards.
So much so that I've given up although I personally think it was enough love for you; are you happy now?
I've sealed it with boredom and friendship, I will not touch it again.

Happy, yes I am.
Unsatisfied, yes I've always been.

I shall paint my room walls.