Hi!
Everything you read here is purely my own opinion and I am not in hopes of engaging in any sort of religious debates with anyone. This is why this is on a blog.
On the bus home last night, I overheard a conversation that a girl and a guy were having.
They each sat on the outer seats at the back, and were conversing across the walkway.
I think they were both around twenty.
I was sitting in front of the guy so I looked quite retarded because I kept turning my head to the left so I could hear better.
They were talking about sex.
The girl felt it wasn't right to simply have sex with just anyone and the guy said it was 'natural, it's human nature'. She argued back that the decision he was about to make was solely based on 'temptation'.
Before I had listened in to their conversation, I had prayed about my negative feelings (obviously to myself) and I felt a sense of peace. It's not something I can ever describe or a 'why' I can answer when I feel peace, but I know my heart felt forgiveness. I'm not saying I'm righteous, I'm just saying that right then, my heart was sensitive to whatever the God I believe in wanted me to understand.
When I heard the guy's side of the argument, I knew exactly the words to give him.
And that thought of mine made me shut my mouth for the next fifteen minutes because I was wondering if I was being too intrusive on my part, being too proud about what I had to give and whether I even needed to offer these words.
But based on personal experience, nothing has ever gone wrong upon acting out of this prompting.
So I turned to him and first and foremost apologised for eavesdropping and told him the only words I could give him were "Love can wait."
And he just looked at me with a half-smile across his face.
I went on with my freakiness to tell him that human temptation could only go so far but waiting for Love - and here is where I used my finger draw the motion a shooting star would adopt in the air.
Do you know how freaky I was.
He asked me, "Are you in love?"
And he looked at me with a challenging gaze, to which I replied, "Yes I am. Yes."
He nodded with his half-smile and said, "Good. It's good that you're in love."
"I guess. See ya."
Then I hopped off.
It made me wonder if he had thought of having casual sex because he had been hurt. And I started to question if I had given him the wrong words because I hadn't understood his situation, and this I held in my heart as I walked home. (I actually asked my Dad to come pick me up because this guy behind me was being dodgy and I don't wanna risk being raped. So.) But no. I know he'd cherish the words I gave to him. I think we all cherish words strangers give to us.
Earlier this afternoon, my emotional self was a wreck as I had left it last night.
The peace I asked for had lasted me only after so long because I never went back to seeking it. Rather, I used the rest of the night to entertain my insecurities and the lack I had so foolishly led to take over me overflowed into today.
And I had cried about my flaws before writing in my notebook today. I blamed myself for the idealistic views I had held about the world, and especially in romantic relationships. I expect my partner to be perfect when he just can't, because he is only human.
So after being a walking human faucet, I sat down, picked up a pen and began documenting a mere two lines of my despair when I found myself writing: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." (Proverbs 3:5-6)
And I just gaped at my notebook.
It made me understand that the core of my hurt was not so much the fact that I hadn't trusted my boy, it was analysing the fact that I had taught myself never to place my hope in Man because Man fails, but God does not. And even with that, I didn't place my trust in Him.
To know that I am enough for the Lord lets me know I am enough for my boy. As simple as that.
Which made me wonder why Christianity doesn't encourage dating and finally accepting that marriage burns in my heart, that I date to marry and that I need not be ashamed about it.
Which is the same three words I have when it comes to dating. Love can wait.
I don't encourage a person to date as many partners as he/she can, to 'test the waters' because at the point when she finally meets the one she know she's meant to be with, she'd probably be emotionally exhausted.
I'm not saying everyone is meant for marriage, I'm only saying that I know the human heart because I have one. And it is the most fragile, that it can be influenced no matter how you guard it, that sometimes when we meet that one person, your life will be changed forever.
And since your heart is the wellspring of life, and even if you were given advice to guard it, how did influence and the imperfect love of another catch you unguarded? How did you fall, how did you see yourself giving everything to the one you were/are with?
How much more trust can a heart that has been hurt, that has experienced that nothing lasts, have at the end of it all? How can you guarantee yourself that you won't be desensitized after you have given away the best part of you to that boy that boy this boy oh that other one over there - how many pieces can you afford to split your heart up into?
To me, because marriage is a vow, I believe vows have no expiry dates whatsoever and that it is not based on mere feeling. You have to learn how to live with that person, to tolerate - and when all that fails, I'm saying that the only One I will turn to to redeem my marriage with the man I love is God.
And I am unafraid, because although I have ignored what my heart needs, which is to be guarded, I believe in a God of grace and restoration.
My point is: Don't sell yourself out and water Love down. Don't water Love down. True love is what it is, it does not need to be tested. It only needs to be waited for and when your soul knows that's the one, go get him.
Or her. Whichever.
Just like, don't marry food or your noodles or your car or something that can't talk to you and feel the same way about you.
(Zing, if you're reading this, I learnt the words "water it down" from you hehe.)
That is all.
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