You know, when I think of you, I see nothing. I don’t know
if that’s good or bad but I remember many things you say to me. Even if they
hurt. And I don’t think you’ll ever know if they hurt me or catch me dying
inside when I look at you all soft but yes, you should know how much they hurt
if I am to write all this down. I am getting pretty annoyed with Chat. Of
course I know of higher chemistries that reassures me he is the perfect man for
me but I want you and conversations like that tear so much of my confidence
down- even behind a screen, even with that blinking cursor that does not rush
me to reply you but I still fret about it anyway. And I didn’t mean to hug you
the way I did if you felt very uncomfortable about the other night but yes it
hurt when you started to pull away. I stare at the book ‘Lady In Waiting’ on my
shelf and I hate it because I will never have the patience to read it or
practically even wait for someone else to come around to have me because you
can have me any way you like now.
I have tons of mixed feelings about going back to church
tomorrow. I do not understand why God does not allow the homosexual love to
blossom between people of the same sex- two very special people who know love
the way we do, the way we were made to know it. What is natural and not
natural? I don’t see why that needs change. The Bible also tells me to ‘not
yoke with non-believers’ but what if these non-believers are my friend and I
like them the way they are made. I am tired of preaching the Gospel when the
truth of the matter is that I cannot live with the church telling me the
friends I choose are not good for me. I don’t really care much about what good
it does for me but what my religion does for them. Is this wrong? My religion
is where I invest all my love and life into and when I love someone, I give
them the most sacred, vulnerable part of me which probably is my religion and
my relationship with God. I want to show it to them because I love them and
want to share my fascination and satisfaction of it with them. But am I truly
loving them when I show them God’s ways? Because God says no. Now where do I
go? What do I do to have them stay close to me? The Bible says do not yoke with
unbelievers but I love these people and they are a part of me- is it wrong that
they have become such a big part of me because I will fight to the death to
disagree.
Anyway, how can I have you if I don’t even know what to
speak to you about? I get tired, yes I do, about thinking of what to say to you
but I want you so bad because I know I could make this work. You’d think I’d
given up on love since that other boy has left me hanging like fermented shark
meat but I haven’t. I come back stronger, fiercer, with a loyalty that holds my
bones together and only you can hold and prick your name through this skin
although it may bleed but I like blood, hahaha. I just see me with you. I just
do.
Never thought I’d see you in that way we are taught not to
see boys in but I do, I do. My thighs are yours. I am being so brutally open
here and I know they might look at me different if they should ever read this poop. But I don’t give a fuck about society because they will not have you.
So then again, have your way,
Sab
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