so come home, come home.

Here I am. Naked.

With bare shoulders and tired hands. 

Why do I feel my veins turning into rubber, I don’t know.

I punished myself today.

Drew brown all over my eyelids because I was moody.

But moody is too frail a reason to want You here at the centre of my everything again.

I’ve been looking into eyes and kissing the wrong boys. Letting lust set my mind, my crotch and my bed on fire. Watching my spirit get fed to the dogs in the darkness I cultivated. And in that blackness I let November’s flowers wither as poison ivy grew with such tenderness and seduction.

I abandoned joy.

And it left the way I see you leaving me.

I didn’t see You go though.

Or maybe that’s because You haven’t. You’ve been waiting all this while.
Funny, because You are my joy.

I wanted to cry on the bus home.

(“When the fight for You is all I’ve ever known.”)

Yet when I met You in the shower this morning, I couldn’t cry.

I wasn’t numb, and I know this because my face hurt and my throat collapsed with every silent mad howl and it just kept raining within me.

So I prayed. I couldn’t keep still.

Just kept wailing Your secret name and held it close to my heart, pressing my navy nails against my chest as water that soothed me the way burning coals push into wounds fell all around me. Just wanting you so badly to take over, Lord.

Please don’t leave me.

‘Storm’ cuts my heart.

Losing my confidence in You has been the worst thing that has ever happened to me.

Not the fact that I haven’t gotten closure, not the fact that I haven’t done so many things to earn myself a name– but the way I’ve blinded myself to the awareness that You are in control of everything. I put those scales on my own eyes and forgot how they had stung before. I put them on everything.

Everything.
"Define everything."
Huge ass word. Huge ass me.

No.

Small me. Big You. Big, big, lovely You.

I’ve missed You so so much and please take this love letter and hold it and kiss it and turn Your face and cause it to shine upon me again. Please.

I’m scrambling for breath, Lord. For You Lord.

Cos I’m so dry, Lord.

Withering away like a wild flower whose fate has always been in Your hands.

They say I shouldn’t be a prisoner of my own fate – but You are gentle and kind and all-knowing and understanding and supportive and You’ve been waiting for me all this while. This long long while.

Raining, Lord. Raining inside and I can’t stand it any longer. I wish You would send me angels that sing me sweet songs- songs that tell me You hear me and that You love me and that You’re not going to leave me or give up on me.

White, Lord. Send me white in all its purity and goodness and favour and empowerment.

K hugged me and said don’t trust anybody. I said I trusted her. God, if you live in all of us then make her my angel. And vice versa.
You probably know all of this already but I don't want to be passive.
Will You honor this? And give me someone who will love me for everything You made me to be.
Send me You.
Take all the rain in me and let me wash Your feet, not wasting a single drop as I do so.
Take my breasts, my eyes, my lips and my tongue.
Take my fingers, my smile and my frown.

I end this with all my love.