I believe in a quiet world where two people meet.

And nothing can break that.

--
argh thought of the way she touched you
screamed FUCK YOU into my pillow and started crying lika baby:'(

tiny glory

I am discouraged, yes by how circumstances have been screaming in my face, telling me that I’m gonna lose out.

I’ve lost my will to fight.

And life keeps pushing me through its dirt and its tiny glories… but I am left so hungry for so much more.

Just to see my hard work get paid off. Just to see myself where I’ve always seen myself. “Here”.

Bad hair days get to me. As well as the oiliness on my face and the smudged liner that makes me look eight years older and the black circles around my eyes that I am so afraid to let you see.

Tell me I have a glow left. Whether you’re a friend or someone I love.

Not in the tanness of my skin, not in the colour of my hair, not in the red of my rouge but just look into my eyes and watch my entire being from there.

Tell me there’s more to look forward to.

Like a victory or something.

white peach muffin

I look scaryyyyy wooooo~~~ 

It’s Mothers’ Day.

I bet there’s a lovely group of women at a part of this world celebrating a self-declared “I Hate Children” day. I bet they’re partying so hard right now.

I think it’s okay to feel sad.

It’s okay to be inflicted by a certain sort of pain.

Because without it, you wouldn’t know what it’s like to heal.

It is so hard being an expressive and brutally honest person the way I am.

So far, I have failed to be selfless this Mothers’ Day.

I was as black as a storm cloud at today’s tea.

First and foremost, it wasn’t filling at all.

Second, my mother looked at me in disgust when I said I wanted to order a Mac n Cheese.

Third, the waitress at Spruce attended to me with such a shitty attitude and its stench offended the shit out of me. I wanted to flick her forehead with my bendy plastic stirring spoon that my parents thought was of ‘no class’. They even requested for these stirrers that came with our coffee cups to be taken away and changed to metal spoons. ‘Embarrassed’ is too vague a word to describe how I felt.

Wanna know something?

I’m sitting on the toilet bowl with my favourite pair of shorts hanging from my knees. Haha

Kids In Glass Houses are playing.

I listened to Giving Up in the car on the way back home.

My eyes went roly poly, my lids went blink-clink.

Just when I thought I wouldn’t think about you anymore, every single line of that song hit me like a tidal wave and I love you all over again.

Maybe you don’t wanna hear what I have to say. Maybe you don’t need me around. After all, you are independent aren’t you? Like Hamlet and Ophelia. I’m not Ophelia but you sure make me feel like her.

Fucking ant bit my ass cheek. This line is kinda suggestive.

Some necrophiliac on Tumblr posted “I miss squeezing your butt cheeks while we kissed.”

I reblogged it.

Me likey.

Do you know how I feel when you tell me he’s in love with the memory of what things used to be...

I feel like laughing in your face.

I hope you like my quiet stubbornness.

Cos it disagrees with the same amount of assertiveness you have.

It disagrees with every piece of my soul that loves you and every crease of your thick elephant heart that doesn’t love me back.

So this I will promise you:

Every kiss for the future boy I love will never be selfish.

Every motion of my tongue for the future boy I lust for will never set him on fire.

I will not close my heart to his touch.

We will make love to A White Demon Love Song.

That is all.

The Tongue Flick

I am so tired.
I feel like a human lizard.
Tired physically by the way.
My eyes are slits and I can't even speak properly.
Mehhhh
I shall write a Tired haiku.

5 7 5 right
ok here goes

I am so tired
I feel like a human liz
Hope you think of me

byebye

Dunno

It has come to my attention that I do not know how to make conversation anymore.
I wonder why.
Is it because I channelled too much of my effort into building us up?
Now I am afraid of being alone with someone.
Now I hesitate and think about consequences before going over to say hello or to sit with a person.
Consequences.
What the heck are the consequences of sitting with someone for a little while?

Well, I don't know.
But maybe it's because I look at you and me now and it's all... different.
I see the way you see things and I despise myself for being under the influence.
I wish I didn't have a memory.

The good that comes from all this is that I think I'm beginning to trust myself.
It's pretty forceful, though. (Crazy sick of this hole that I'm stuck in.)
I still do things and ask people if I should've done it in another way.
They tell me no, they tell me yes.
I tell myself "dunno".
But I also tell myself that I will not be made a victim of a stupid feeling.
I'm pretty shocked at what I've become after the holidays. Everything's been zooming past so quickly.
If I were to commit suicide now, no one would ever know judging from the way I've been behaving around people. (That is, if they never find this blog and my notebooks)

I'm angry okay.
If that's the word you want.
I'm angry for not having done anything about it.
I'm angry at myself.
And I'm blaming you, you see?
ARGH

Hello hope.

The night forces me ever so gently
to think
Of reason; of conscious choice

"How do you feel?"
Hello, Therapy
What have you ever done for me?

Right on track, these train tracks
What can I answer to that,
do I even want to answer it?
Wow, new feeling
New scaly eyes

There I go
Making tough love to this:
Never having owed my mind anything to think about

The way I think about you
Guards up, guards down
Now they're not even there
And I don't even need to try
I AIN'T EVEN MAD.

So my heart got sent back into the world
Enough of caves
Dripping water
All the tears you owe me
All the indecision I owe myself

So my heart grew wings and catapulted itself out there

And I'm flying, flying
Giddy but flying, flying

You come and grab me by the heels
Nah ah, you forgot that I am now able
I watch you with pretty eyes
Detaching my heels from your purple wrists
Give me back my skin, you sticky slug

Flying, flying
This indifference has never felt this good
Forget about the intensity
Forget about being nice, darling
Your reality is just as real as mine

Wanna make this work?
- I ain't even hoping.

You rock these knuckles hard, hard against my own skin
You rock your crotch hard, hard against my mind
Mmhmm
Remember the intensity
Remember about being nice
Your dreams are just as real as mine
Your fantasies are just as sexual as mine

Hello hope.

Recovery x2

Wow, okay.
Class starts at 10 and I'm in school at 8.

I was wondering whether I should delete the previous post since I'm finally on the road to making my peace with God and all this crazy inner conflict.
But I'll let it be.
Life can't be backspaced away all the time anyway.

So.
March tested my patience.
Easter taught me to live and love again.
Wednesdays give me grace to make time for my parents, friends and myself.
The way new mornings bring such gorgeous light to my eyes show me He loves me and that He wants to show me many more beautiful things that are to come.
Shadows tell me they're there but that to exist, God must be there as well.
April asks for a chance to open my heart to new people again, and I will allow that to be done.

And here I find myself facing the question:
What good did being closed ever do for me?

And I can safely say that it did nothing (does this sound negative?).
Of course I liked it.
I've always loved being alone.
I've always been intrigued by the darkness, wishing I was born in the shadows.
I only wished that out of fear.
But I couldn't face anybody.
I went out of my room and saw my family and I finally remembered I'm still part of something good, something that loves me back.
I went to church and everyone was asking about me, telling me they missed me and although I hated the question of "Why haven't you been here for so long?", it was really nice to know that they thought about me and noticed that I hadn't been coming.
Being closed made me give up easily.
I gave up trying, gave up remembering, gave up loving.
Somehow I see my insecurity head on now- and I could've saved myself from so much if only I had let go and trusted.
But a broken and contrite heart is what He desires and being weak doesn't make me feel so weak anymore.

I'm thankful for Easter.
It reminds me that circumstances can never stand in the way of God.
And if God is with us, who can be against us?

Now to remain steadfast.