porny thoughts

"Pornography is OK if you need knowledge, but masturbation is unnatural sex."
My dad said that and he is nowhere to becoming a Christian any time soon.

I wonder if Christianity has changed my perception of pornography to think it "unnatural".
Then again, if I had never chanced upon this topic and material, I would have thought it pretty strange (though innovative and definitely indulgent) to create something for men or women to climax to.

I have half the mind to make a documentary about pornography in Singapore and how it influences us as a society.
But... I'm a pretty preachy person.

I wonder if I can have the same, trusting love if I never had this perception in my head and was okay with my boyfriend watching pornography.

Pornography has hurt me before - it made me a person of addiction, and it made me look at men disrespectfully. No matter how the general population of men perceive women or look at them lustfully, it doesn't matter - it's the way I looked at them.
And it scared me, because it was vicious.
If you judge me after reading this, you're funny.

So when I can fully accept the fact that I allow my future husband or boyfriend to watch porn, does this mean I am conforming or giving in to the "secular" world in a way?
Then again, I feel that the "secular" world has shown me so much more love and acceptance than at church sometimes.
The church is not a bad place. I just don't feel comfortable.

I always think what I'd be like if I had abandoned Christianity and not held onto it, just like last year.
I'd never know when I'd be hurting myself, and I'd never be more self-aware than I am right now.

Maybe I've fuelled my own idealism all too much with what I expect of in a husband or lover.
I don't know. I am a pretty extreme person, always absolute and taking sides.
When and where may I find someone who can handle me and understand me, to let me rely on them emotionally while being independent?
This doesn't mean I don't appreciate my current boyfriend.
I have a feeling I may be a biased parent. I hope I won't be one.