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I realise I cry more nowadays because I get frustrated too much.
Perhaps being in a relationship has caused me to become more anxious, to strive for perfection too often.
Even in my relationships with people, I tend to try to please.
But when I don't, I get a kick. And then I am offended when they make snide remarks about me.

How has it come to this - that I care so much about the people I love, so much so that I have forgotten to love myself more than I love my boy?
That when my mother told me fat was ugly, I believed her. I believed the world.
And now I hate it, because you are my world, and you believe the ones who get offended are idiots, the ones who are unable to come up with counter arguments are the unintelligent.
I can't speak to you when you are in front of me, I can only cry and kiss you and talk rubbish because my head is full of you - is this an obsession or am I in love with the memory of what you once were?
For all I knew, for all I knew, once you used to glow, you used to make me implode and yes you still do, but now it hurts my insides and my heart and my head.
And that was all I knew but when you started to evolve, when you started to transform, I started to see you as a monster that I could only let devour and yet stroke affectionately and calm you down all at once.
But then I started becoming the one who had to be calmed down by you.
Jon says "But isn't that the point of loving", to be vulnerable.

How may I tell you that I can be humble, but in the end, I am not humility personified.

Nowadays I cry and make sounds that I am afraid of making in fear that my family may hear me, but I am in deep anguish and you cannot save me.
Is this because I have started to worship you?

And this is the crux of loneliness.
This is the heart of the frustration it has brought me, even when I have a hand to hold or a job that I love.