Dear Someone,
You watch his Facebook for nothing, wanting to chance upon just a hint about how he may feel about you.
Sure, you can read his mind but you don't have full access to it.
To be in limbo, never knowing whether he feels the same way, or if God is the only one he loves.
It should be God, of course it should be, but there's you too.
Sometimes you wonder if you're believing in the same God he does just because he thinks it's right to be with someone who experiences the same spiritual abandonment.
But now abandonment is a word you will not and cannot face.
"Seasons in life", "seasons in life" -inserts f word- all the seasons in life can be overcome together.
You hum so beautifully and truly, yet you question why you assign melodies to these songs of worship when He can't even let you have him to yourself.
People ask you about it but how can you tell them?
This can never be described in words- you probably won't let it. It is a physical feeling, and you don't even know how you got here.
The first boy, the first kiss, the first sweetness.
Forgetting takes such a long time - where else could you store the memories and what good would they do?
Me mo ry
Sounds so Japanese, we shared something japanese.
Every note on your instrument is played for him but you mask it with bettering yourself.
Every step in your dance routine;
Routine: step, twirl, lift, look at us, look at life, am I too heavy for you?, hands tighten around your waist, no you are not and you look wonderful today, perfect landing.
Boys have to become men.
But you miss the boy, you want to see him as a man but you still miss the boy, your boy.
Time is a murderer, a separator, always the right one but as they say, not for this "season in life."
Push aside whatever they say, just dive into more pain -
Upon every miracle that you get to see him,
you still feel the same butterflies inside.
But your heart's wings are clipped down.
So Miss Mind has to take over now.
You say, "Hi."
Still, it will get better.
Just one line, a comma, and a fullstop.
But trust me.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
These days I have been very emotional about things.
This is the most sensitive state I have ever been in as a teenager.
Mm it may be good though, since I'm learning how to speak up for myself and my rights.
I've never learnt how to do that before.
It's sad how words portray me as a person.
I wish someone could look at me and understand how I've felt thus far and speak to me about it.
I wish someone would stay up to talk to me about things.
I want tighter, warmer closure.
But people can't always be there for you.
And I guess that's okay.
We want things but we don't say them.
I'm just afraid that this will all be harsh on me.
Please don't be harsh on me.
This is the most sensitive state I have ever been in as a teenager.
Mm it may be good though, since I'm learning how to speak up for myself and my rights.
I've never learnt how to do that before.
It's sad how words portray me as a person.
I wish someone could look at me and understand how I've felt thus far and speak to me about it.
I wish someone would stay up to talk to me about things.
I want tighter, warmer closure.
But people can't always be there for you.
And I guess that's okay.
We want things but we don't say them.
I'm just afraid that this will all be harsh on me.
Please don't be harsh on me.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Your own advice is actually good for you
This letter is to myself, who cannot stop hating the person she simply is for another.
I am going to take my own advice.
Dear Lingy,
When Z said the most important thing two lovers must have is things in common, you never thought it'd be that important. It's okay. Because:
Nothing is more important than what inspires you the most in life, that propels you forward to creating more beautiful things for the world, and the music you love will always be a click away whenever you need it.
Fun is what you define it to be.
Your youth should be graced only with the highest of wisdoms, but sometimes the wisdom you need is not the wisdom of someone else's.
You know fully well that you are accountable to only yourself and your heart for the mistakes you commit and the decisions you make.
Not anyone else because we die alone and we stand at Heaven's gates waiting for judgement alone.
Forget the idealistic, romantic view of love, that someone could mean the whole world to you because you are the only one who holds your world together and should you fail, no one else can piece yourself back together but you.
Forgive yourself when you feel pathetic that your confidence has been stripped down because you are self-aware of how you make others feel and that you may try to please them instead.
Know that your self-awareness is a gift and it is given to you so that no one else may need to feel the same awful way you have felt.
It is called empathy.
If you protect, continue to protect.
And let go of your grudges, they will only hurt you.
Not dishonesty, not being judged, but only unforgiveness will hurt you.
With love
xx
Omg I just took my own advice.
This helps.
I'm a bit scared of getting a split personality though. *shivers*
I am going to take my own advice.
Dear Lingy,
When Z said the most important thing two lovers must have is things in common, you never thought it'd be that important. It's okay. Because:
Nothing is more important than what inspires you the most in life, that propels you forward to creating more beautiful things for the world, and the music you love will always be a click away whenever you need it.
Fun is what you define it to be.
Your youth should be graced only with the highest of wisdoms, but sometimes the wisdom you need is not the wisdom of someone else's.
You know fully well that you are accountable to only yourself and your heart for the mistakes you commit and the decisions you make.
Not anyone else because we die alone and we stand at Heaven's gates waiting for judgement alone.
Forget the idealistic, romantic view of love, that someone could mean the whole world to you because you are the only one who holds your world together and should you fail, no one else can piece yourself back together but you.
Forgive yourself when you feel pathetic that your confidence has been stripped down because you are self-aware of how you make others feel and that you may try to please them instead.
Know that your self-awareness is a gift and it is given to you so that no one else may need to feel the same awful way you have felt.
It is called empathy.
If you protect, continue to protect.
And let go of your grudges, they will only hurt you.
Not dishonesty, not being judged, but only unforgiveness will hurt you.
With love
xx
Omg I just took my own advice.
This helps.
I'm a bit scared of getting a split personality though. *shivers*
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Why We Shouldn't Date Excessively
Hi!
Everything you read here is purely my own opinion and I am not in hopes of engaging in any sort of religious debates with anyone. This is why this is on a blog.
On the bus home last night, I overheard a conversation that a girl and a guy were having.
They each sat on the outer seats at the back, and were conversing across the walkway.
I think they were both around twenty.
I was sitting in front of the guy so I looked quite retarded because I kept turning my head to the left so I could hear better.
They were talking about sex.
The girl felt it wasn't right to simply have sex with just anyone and the guy said it was 'natural, it's human nature'. She argued back that the decision he was about to make was solely based on 'temptation'.
Before I had listened in to their conversation, I had prayed about my negative feelings (obviously to myself) and I felt a sense of peace. It's not something I can ever describe or a 'why' I can answer when I feel peace, but I know my heart felt forgiveness. I'm not saying I'm righteous, I'm just saying that right then, my heart was sensitive to whatever the God I believe in wanted me to understand.
When I heard the guy's side of the argument, I knew exactly the words to give him.
And that thought of mine made me shut my mouth for the next fifteen minutes because I was wondering if I was being too intrusive on my part, being too proud about what I had to give and whether I even needed to offer these words.
But based on personal experience, nothing has ever gone wrong upon acting out of this prompting.
So I turned to him and first and foremost apologised for eavesdropping and told him the only words I could give him were "Love can wait."
And he just looked at me with a half-smile across his face.
I went on with my freakiness to tell him that human temptation could only go so far but waiting for Love - and here is where I used my finger draw the motion a shooting star would adopt in the air.
Do you know how freaky I was.
He asked me, "Are you in love?"
And he looked at me with a challenging gaze, to which I replied, "Yes I am. Yes."
He nodded with his half-smile and said, "Good. It's good that you're in love."
"I guess. See ya."
Then I hopped off.
It made me wonder if he had thought of having casual sex because he had been hurt. And I started to question if I had given him the wrong words because I hadn't understood his situation, and this I held in my heart as I walked home. (I actually asked my Dad to come pick me up because this guy behind me was being dodgy and I don't wanna risk being raped. So.) But no. I know he'd cherish the words I gave to him. I think we all cherish words strangers give to us.
Earlier this afternoon, my emotional self was a wreck as I had left it last night.
The peace I asked for had lasted me only after so long because I never went back to seeking it. Rather, I used the rest of the night to entertain my insecurities and the lack I had so foolishly led to take over me overflowed into today.
And I had cried about my flaws before writing in my notebook today. I blamed myself for the idealistic views I had held about the world, and especially in romantic relationships. I expect my partner to be perfect when he just can't, because he is only human.
So after being a walking human faucet, I sat down, picked up a pen and began documenting a mere two lines of my despair when I found myself writing: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." (Proverbs 3:5-6)
And I just gaped at my notebook.
It made me understand that the core of my hurt was not so much the fact that I hadn't trusted my boy, it was analysing the fact that I had taught myself never to place my hope in Man because Man fails, but God does not. And even with that, I didn't place my trust in Him.
To know that I am enough for the Lord lets me know I am enough for my boy. As simple as that.
Which made me wonder why Christianity doesn't encourage dating and finally accepting that marriage burns in my heart, that I date to marry and that I need not be ashamed about it.
Which is the same three words I have when it comes to dating. Love can wait.
I don't encourage a person to date as many partners as he/she can, to 'test the waters' because at the point when she finally meets the one she know she's meant to be with, she'd probably be emotionally exhausted.
I'm not saying everyone is meant for marriage, I'm only saying that I know the human heart because I have one. And it is the most fragile, that it can be influenced no matter how you guard it, that sometimes when we meet that one person, your life will be changed forever.
And since your heart is the wellspring of life, and even if you were given advice to guard it, how did influence and the imperfect love of another catch you unguarded? How did you fall, how did you see yourself giving everything to the one you were/are with?
How much more trust can a heart that has been hurt, that has experienced that nothing lasts, have at the end of it all? How can you guarantee yourself that you won't be desensitized after you have given away the best part of you to that boy that boy this boy oh that other one over there - how many pieces can you afford to split your heart up into?
To me, because marriage is a vow, I believe vows have no expiry dates whatsoever and that it is not based on mere feeling. You have to learn how to live with that person, to tolerate - and when all that fails, I'm saying that the only One I will turn to to redeem my marriage with the man I love is God.
And I am unafraid, because although I have ignored what my heart needs, which is to be guarded, I believe in a God of grace and restoration.
My point is: Don't sell yourself out and water Love down. Don't water Love down. True love is what it is, it does not need to be tested. It only needs to be waited for and when your soul knows that's the one, go get him.
Or her. Whichever.
Just like, don't marry food or your noodles or your car or something that can't talk to you and feel the same way about you.
(Zing, if you're reading this, I learnt the words "water it down" from you hehe.)
That is all.
Everything you read here is purely my own opinion and I am not in hopes of engaging in any sort of religious debates with anyone. This is why this is on a blog.
On the bus home last night, I overheard a conversation that a girl and a guy were having.
They each sat on the outer seats at the back, and were conversing across the walkway.
I think they were both around twenty.
I was sitting in front of the guy so I looked quite retarded because I kept turning my head to the left so I could hear better.
They were talking about sex.
The girl felt it wasn't right to simply have sex with just anyone and the guy said it was 'natural, it's human nature'. She argued back that the decision he was about to make was solely based on 'temptation'.
Before I had listened in to their conversation, I had prayed about my negative feelings (obviously to myself) and I felt a sense of peace. It's not something I can ever describe or a 'why' I can answer when I feel peace, but I know my heart felt forgiveness. I'm not saying I'm righteous, I'm just saying that right then, my heart was sensitive to whatever the God I believe in wanted me to understand.
When I heard the guy's side of the argument, I knew exactly the words to give him.
And that thought of mine made me shut my mouth for the next fifteen minutes because I was wondering if I was being too intrusive on my part, being too proud about what I had to give and whether I even needed to offer these words.
But based on personal experience, nothing has ever gone wrong upon acting out of this prompting.
So I turned to him and first and foremost apologised for eavesdropping and told him the only words I could give him were "Love can wait."
And he just looked at me with a half-smile across his face.
I went on with my freakiness to tell him that human temptation could only go so far but waiting for Love - and here is where I used my finger draw the motion a shooting star would adopt in the air.
Do you know how freaky I was.
He asked me, "Are you in love?"
And he looked at me with a challenging gaze, to which I replied, "Yes I am. Yes."
He nodded with his half-smile and said, "Good. It's good that you're in love."
"I guess. See ya."
Then I hopped off.
It made me wonder if he had thought of having casual sex because he had been hurt. And I started to question if I had given him the wrong words because I hadn't understood his situation, and this I held in my heart as I walked home. (I actually asked my Dad to come pick me up because this guy behind me was being dodgy and I don't wanna risk being raped. So.) But no. I know he'd cherish the words I gave to him. I think we all cherish words strangers give to us.
Earlier this afternoon, my emotional self was a wreck as I had left it last night.
The peace I asked for had lasted me only after so long because I never went back to seeking it. Rather, I used the rest of the night to entertain my insecurities and the lack I had so foolishly led to take over me overflowed into today.
And I had cried about my flaws before writing in my notebook today. I blamed myself for the idealistic views I had held about the world, and especially in romantic relationships. I expect my partner to be perfect when he just can't, because he is only human.
So after being a walking human faucet, I sat down, picked up a pen and began documenting a mere two lines of my despair when I found myself writing: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." (Proverbs 3:5-6)
And I just gaped at my notebook.
It made me understand that the core of my hurt was not so much the fact that I hadn't trusted my boy, it was analysing the fact that I had taught myself never to place my hope in Man because Man fails, but God does not. And even with that, I didn't place my trust in Him.
To know that I am enough for the Lord lets me know I am enough for my boy. As simple as that.
Which made me wonder why Christianity doesn't encourage dating and finally accepting that marriage burns in my heart, that I date to marry and that I need not be ashamed about it.
Which is the same three words I have when it comes to dating. Love can wait.
I don't encourage a person to date as many partners as he/she can, to 'test the waters' because at the point when she finally meets the one she know she's meant to be with, she'd probably be emotionally exhausted.
I'm not saying everyone is meant for marriage, I'm only saying that I know the human heart because I have one. And it is the most fragile, that it can be influenced no matter how you guard it, that sometimes when we meet that one person, your life will be changed forever.
And since your heart is the wellspring of life, and even if you were given advice to guard it, how did influence and the imperfect love of another catch you unguarded? How did you fall, how did you see yourself giving everything to the one you were/are with?
How much more trust can a heart that has been hurt, that has experienced that nothing lasts, have at the end of it all? How can you guarantee yourself that you won't be desensitized after you have given away the best part of you to that boy that boy this boy oh that other one over there - how many pieces can you afford to split your heart up into?
To me, because marriage is a vow, I believe vows have no expiry dates whatsoever and that it is not based on mere feeling. You have to learn how to live with that person, to tolerate - and when all that fails, I'm saying that the only One I will turn to to redeem my marriage with the man I love is God.
And I am unafraid, because although I have ignored what my heart needs, which is to be guarded, I believe in a God of grace and restoration.
My point is: Don't sell yourself out and water Love down. Don't water Love down. True love is what it is, it does not need to be tested. It only needs to be waited for and when your soul knows that's the one, go get him.
Or her. Whichever.
Just like, don't marry food or your noodles or your car or something that can't talk to you and feel the same way about you.
(Zing, if you're reading this, I learnt the words "water it down" from you hehe.)
That is all.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
fuck (2)
Some days I need to fall out of love
If every boy was born to be this way
Then I'd rather be alone
I just want to paint
And write
For no one
I will not have to give anyone words
Because my words always translate my feelings
I won't have to give anyone my feelings
My feelings will always be mine,
But they're not.
If every boy was born to be this way
Then I'd rather be alone
I just want to paint
And write
For no one
I will not have to give anyone words
Because my words always translate my feelings
I won't have to give anyone my feelings
My feelings will always be mine,
But they're not.
fuck
TRUST TRUST TRUST TRUST TRUST TRUST TRUST TRUST v v TRUST TRUST TRUST TRUSTTRUSTvvvTRUSTTRUSTvTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTvTRUSTvTRUSTvTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTvvTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUSTTRUST
I cherish all our times at FC so, so much because that’s when you pour out your heart to me the most.
I will always want to be your darling girl.
And know that I trust you when you tell me I am beautiful, because beautiful is a whole other dimension, a whole level above women that men desire with their dicks.
Beautiful is what will protect you from being broken or I guess the word here is ‘destroyed’.
Mao.
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