Comfort zone

"The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the Word of our God endures forever." 

Isaiah 40:8 (NIV)

Before I wrote this, I scrolled through the blog and read my previous posts. There was very little reason to be that upset. Georgie said it was probably because I was missing home, but I'm certain it was a little more than that. When I'm left alone, I start entertaining thoughts that fail to lift me up. I find myself spiralling down into constant worrying about the future, a sort of restlessness that only God can still. I knew that, but I never believed it, because I never ran to the Bible for help. Over church camp, I realised how much I trusted my church friends in Singapore even though I'm not actually close to them. I don't spend much time with them on weekdays, and I wouldn't go out of my way to. But now that I'm maturing in faith, maybe I should. The camp theme was "Looking Beyond Our Comfort Zone". As I'm journalling these thoughts down, I find God revealing what my comfort zone throughout these three years has been - when I intentionally remain elusive and distant from my church friends. And when that happens, I cannot grow to love the family of Christ as much. I cannot grow to trust them with who I am, especially when I constantly harp on thoughts like "They make me feel awkward" or "I don't think they'd understand." These claims in my head created a barrier that eventually became hard for me to break down on my own. 

The two pictures above were taken at the Heath, where I lay down with church friends from Ascot in the sun, listening to John Mayer and Sara Bareilles. That felt perfect. It's strange coming back to BRMC in Singapore, because I've never truly felt at home here. But this summer, I want to create a new story. I want to be present, and I want to experience what stepping out of my comfort zone can truly do for me. I have to accept the fact that sometimes, genuine conversations are kickstarted by small talk - and that small talk isn't harmful as long as I take the time after to get to know whoever I'm exchanging the conversation with more, and with sincerity. I think it's time to embrace the idea of what a community means alongside the distinction of what a society is. Christ calls us to die to ourselves. Not in the literal sense, but it's more of knowing when we should stop feeding our egos or wallowing in our comfort zones and to get out there while abandoning ourselves to His love and His will for us, to immerse ourselves in what He's concerned about aka this world. I think it's great that Christianity doesn't justify evil - which is why the Gospel is always about love, because God is love (1 John 4:8). I also believe that I need to start seeing God as the God of reconciliation and sustainer of all our earthly relationships. The speaker at "Is A Belief In Jesus Rational?" reminded us that God is first and foremost a Father before His identity as Creator, just like the way a child recognises her father before his status as CEO of Company Blah. 

Presenting the Brolly Brigade! Made out of myself, Tegan, Abi and Nikki. This has no link whatsoever to my post, it just shows that I have friends. I HAVE FRIENDS, YA HEAR?!

Belle felt like home to me at church camp this year. Bullied me throughout the entire course of it, as usual.

Finally, I blog so much about Christianity because I've personally found "this Jesus guy" to be the radical cure. My time and involvement at Royal Holloway's CU has not only let me make friendships that I will forever cherish, but it has equipped me with more answers and even more questions about my faith. Having more questions isn't a bad thing. In fact, it really drives me to persevere in seeking out the answers. It also teaches me what resting in God's love means, knowing that God's timing is perfect anyway. I write because I love writing, but I also write on this very page to pace myself and to document moments in my life where I've either been terribly upset or encouraged and thankful. In the end, I want this blog to document my growth as a Christian, a writer and a person. This is something I wrote in my notebook this morning and I'd like to share it on here: 

"To take up my cross daily."

I work tirelessly at guarding myself against envy. But even as I scrolled through Facebook profiles of people who have made a name for themselves in the creative cum poetry scene, I found myself clicking on my own and asking, "Will I ever be this successful?" A question that scares me even more is the tempting possibility of giving into self-publishing. Now that I've joined Word Forward for the summer, I see myself gazing through this window of opportunity - that I may actually be able to publish my poetry collection with them! All these thoughts come with the opinion that publishing a book = success. That was when I figured I should probably come before God with this on my mind. So I sat down to write in my handy dandy notebook. I'm nervous about starting my job at Word Forward tomorrow. There is a self-deprecating part of me (some people deem this as crippling self-esteem) that finds my stunted vocabulary growth an utter disgrace. But I'm beginning to see that God has given me this summer job for a reason. Even Savinder, the director of Word Forward, said that I called her at just the right time, and she believes that "the universe is showing [her] signs, and when it does, [she] simply accept(s) it." The little bird on my shoulder is telling me that even before brushing up on my vocabulary, before churning out more poetry and before publishing a set of poems, the reason I was put in this place is because of what God has called me to achieve in contribution to His kingdom - and I don't mean this in a prideful way. I mean to say that my dream to be made into a missionary worker to teach both kids and adults of God's love through both spoken/written word and drama must be put first. I'm saying in all things that I do, I have to put God first - which is why taking up our cross daily/discerning and being aware of potential distractions are such tough yet essential things we have to do as followers of Christ. I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to have my own book published, but I'm guarding myself at simply stopping there. I want to make this life count. Because what God deems as success is different from what the world deems it is, and this I want to stand by for the rest of this season and for all the days of my life.

--

I need to revamp this space over the summer, and to put in more effort into creating a poetry blog as well. Also, Dad's back with a fat packet of chicken rice for lunch. Cheerio!

Lately, all this fantasizing has been hurting my brain and I want it to stop.
We choose secret idols to obsess over, to share conversations with. In my head I'm next to you, looking at the stars and telling you, "Don't point at the moon, you'll find a cut behind your earlobe in the morning" - shit like that.
I want to cast down these reveries, but I find it incredibly hard to face reality/unnecessary situations I've recklessly nosedived into.
The worst thing is the way I abandon my heart - I do it without blinking. I thought I was cautious, I thought the verse "Guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life" was a permanent post-it that got stuck to my brain... and now I don't know where that yellow piece of paper went.

Today was my last day at Ascot Life and I didn't feel anything.
It was great, but I struggled to yield my heart to Him.
I prayed, and I was sad. I sang, and I was still sad.
Normally, singing does the trick, so now I'm starting to be afraid of the fact that you might stick with me for a long, long time.
I am terrified. If I were a pug, I'd be whining and straining the shit out of my voice box. This pug doesn't even want to eat.
Dave saw a picture in his mind's eye and shared it today: We are standing at the front door of our homes greeting Jesus, saying, "Welcome" but we don't let him come in to sit and eat and talk with us; we reject his company.

I don't feel welcome when I think of you, nah uh.
Not a single bit at all.

I'm going to try to sleep on the deck tonight,
I need a new perspective on things, a new change in environment
I wonder if I should just go to London for two nights and then back again

Nikki: "How do you feel after you write Liling? Do you feel calmer?"
"Not necessarily. I just-"
"You just bleed."
"Yeah."

I know what rants are, and I am not ranting.
I'm grumbling for no reason, even when the Bible tells me it's not good to do it, I know it's for my own good but who am I kidding - I don't even listen to my own mother
I hope to set aside a huge bulk of time to think things through
Instead of being "touch and go" with all these thoughts
I want to live the fantasy, I want to get lost and from there, start over
I can do that in this country, and I will do it because I can.

I am lonely but I don't think I need anymore company,
I just want to find a place that feels like home and
The space all around me is just too positive that the space in my head has become -ve x 100000000000
Do I have to move around all the time, because I haven't found anything in anyone
And certainly not myself, oh no no
So London town here I come

I miss my guitar

Leave me alone for a few days and I become lonesome. I feel pathetic. I wish I had a proper sibling. I'm fascinated by relationships between brother and sister, shared between those who hate each other and those who don't. I want to fight too. I feel like I've never learnt how to argue properly. Today I was wondering, that perhaps that's why I tend to seek out that particular someone to love; finding a lover compensates the loneliness I've always had as a child.

I'm such a loner that it scares me. Shawn says once you get used to it, it will be alright. I have lots of friends around, but I'm beginning to see how I use the time to escape from myself. There is something about you that makes me confront myself. Not that you're special, but you are, and I don't like it. There is something invasive about you, but I don't want you to leave. This isn't even me trying to be romantic, I just can't figure out all this conflict within this dumb little head of mine.

I teeter on the edge of losing control. Interpol makes me want to cry, but Interpol resonates with me so much more than any other band's music, so I want to wallow in these sad story worlds, in these sad songs. - Do I make sense? /Tonight I'm gonna rest my chemistry, tonight I'm gonna rest my chemistry. Is something fizzling out, because if it is then well, hello.

Leave me alone for a few days and I become lonesome. Have I told you that I feel pathetic.

俐玲/ Li Ling

I
My name (Li) means:
Bright, witty and full of life
Strong, and of the fiercest sun

II
My name ( Ling) means:
The tinkling of jade pendants,
Talkative; chatty little princess

III
I live my life in two parts
When I first met you
And when I last saw him

IV
I am my father's beloved
I am my father's favourite girl
He remembers the 30th of November

V
The children here grow up with
Western beliefs,
Knowing they will grow up to be
Heard

VI
Young children should not be heard,
Only seen -
But even my weight is an eyesore

VII
Christianity is not a Western belief:
I am my Father's beloved
He remembers all my brothers' birthdays

VIII
"Ling" is not a name you are entitled
To simply call out
It reverberates throughout my entire being-
You do not.

IX
I want to name my boy Israel
So he may wrestle with God
And live free
Even while struggling

X
My name (Li) (Ling) means:
Because I know my identity,
You cannot take it away from me

Favour

/you can have Manhattan, b'cos I can't have you

I'm currently released for Easter break.
Deb and I are scheduled to meet at London Paddington to leave for Penzance on Tuesday. Everyone's been telling me how beautiful Cornwall is, and I can't wait to take a break from the city!
I was just pondering while in bed one morning: Am I a city or a country pug?
Can I just put this out there: I love partying. I love it with a passion.
Not so much clubbing, but house parties. A place to konk out at and to get as wasted as you possibly can with your bestest and closest friends, then waking up to the scent of KFC in the morning.
If I had a summer home in the countryside, that's what I'd do. Like Gatsby.
Only exception is that I'd have foie gras for brunch instead.

It feels strange to be sitting in K's apartment on my own.
I imagine myself to be a poor writer, (after paying for rent, there's not much money in my account anyway) typing away in a tiny attic in the middle of Paris. But on an iPad. And I can't write to save my life. I need to read so much more, I realised. I feel a little disappointed. I may have lost the ability to sit my butt down and start reading again. Prose doesn't excite me as much as poetry does anymore. Perhaps this month will be when I get that discipline back.
I'm watching the trains on the track rumble past and I get nervous when passengers make quick eye contact with me.
I'm not a fan of Finsbury Park to be honest, and I can't believe K is paying sky high prices to stay here. This afternoon, I finally decided to get out of bed and took a little walk around. Both sides of the street are flanked with shops that are Bugis Street lookalikes, selling dresses that have far too many gemstones sewn on them from top to toe. Just like how Ken and I reacted at Far East Plaza, I found myself cringing at the sight of overpriced, gaudy tops in fire engine red and electric blue alongside cheap made-in-China heels adorned with all sorts of strange accessories that my feet and ankles would probably die in.

Maybe I should have gone to the park instead. I didn't know there was so much musical history behind Finsbury Park until I Wiki-ed it. The Stone Roses were here last year in June, and Jimi Hendrix BURNED HIS GUITAR ONSTAGE in 1967?!?! Heh?!
I'm rediscovering all the music I used to listen to. Like Interpol, Bright Eyes and The Raconteurs.
I might even start liking The Beatles more now. I don't even know why I didn't like them in the first place, I can't explain it. Maybe they sound too happy - their songs may be sad, but they SOUND too happy. But I sound like a prude.
Also, I really want to catch Kings of Leon and Fink live next year. That would be the greatest 21st birthday present ever. And I'm hoping all of us will still stay great friends so we may finally go for that cabin trip in the summer in our second year.

I am so, so thankful to be at Royal Holloway. The Queen was here this year too - that event had somewhat of a sentimental impact on all of us here. Maybe it's a strong sense of what favour feels like, for the Queen to make her way down to our school to present the award is a pretty big thing. I remember telling myself that I'd probably make a sterner, less fidgety Royal Guard than those on the quad. Mmm I'm so grateful my dad's operation went well, for the friends I have here and for my family back home. I can see myself progressing in terms of thinking about the world even as I share different conversations with different people. I can see myself growing, and I love that. It's gonna be a great year. Now I can't wait for June.

Tradition and the Individual Talent (of un-loving someone)

"But the difference between the present and the past is that the conscious present is an awareness of the past in a way and to an extent which the past's awareness of itself cannot show."

This is the quote I have been searching for so I might have my so-called catharsis ever since that day in December.