mess

Something happens the moment after you have sex.

There may not be regret, but your body becomes vulnerable in a metaphorical sense: your body charts out how another body has made you feel; the pleasure that comes with it, and the feeling of someone else inside you. Your body remembers.
I won't go on to say that it penetrates your soul - I'd say that only happens when you allow someone into your emotional space - but it is etched in your memory, both mentally and physically.
And memory is a cruel thing.
This is the kind of post you either agree with and continue reading, or continue anyway but close this tab with a bad taste in your mouth, especially because it may very well be written from a Christian point of view. I'm telling you that it is. 

"Your virginity is not a gift to the world."

But what this sentence does not tell you is that it still has value. Subconsciously, this sentence has lent me a rashness that I was already entertaining. 

I don't think of myself as a gift. I think of myself as a woman with high value, and high standards. Because that's what I deserve. 

Abi reminded me of this one line the other day: We accept the love we think we deserve. 

Your virginity can be considered a moment in life - a very valuable, precious one - but when the moment has passed, what is left to live for?
With all this talk about losing one's virginity... I think it's important to look at the big picture. 

Are you of lesser value in God's eyes after the moment passes? The answer is No. The obvious, most beautiful answer will always be No. Because God's redemption is perfect, and all encompassing. 

Does this affect the relationship you have with your future spouse? It might. Because your body remembers. Remind yourself about the type of relationship you ultimately want to share with him/her - and let's not talk about marriage first, but what commitment means.

What does it mean to stick it out with someone, through thick or thin?

It means that Love withstands long suffering or temptation. And we need to understand why Love is like this. To a certain extent, there is a sense of self-preservation. 

But it is not just for the self. From the self, we reach out to others. In other words, we affect them. There is a responsibility when commitment comes into play - if I am committed to reaching out to you, I know what I'm going to say/do will affect you. In the context of marriage, it will affect you forever. 

Because my body remembers how another has made me feel, I've been actively trying to forget how that felt... to make space for you.
Can our bodies ever forget a physical feeling? Why chase orgasm after orgasm if it leaves you feeling empty afterwards? I don't know about you, but I definitely don't live for just that. 

And with marriage comes commitment, forgiveness, and the the daily privilege of discovering/rediscovering things about your spouse whether done on an emotional, sexual or mental level. 

And the best part of it will be the fact that God is in the centre of that marriage. 

Because only with Him, can you dream big things together for His kingdom and righteousness - by doing so, we become most satisfied when He is most glorified. 

I'm not saying that you should go and actively lose your virginity. I'm saying that God's Spirit is strong enough to transform your past, and He is able to lift you up again on His wings. You will run; you will not faint or grow weary because of His great Love. 

His Love is greater than any rash moment - but you can work towards not letting that happen ever again. A fruit of the Spirit is self-control, and we need patience to watch it grow in our lives. 

The past matters - but not to the extent that it destroys the future. 

I have learnt this one thing: The heart is so deep. It is so, so deep, and so, so vulnerable. When the Bible says to "guard your heart", it is not in there for fun. To think about the amount you've invested in someone, only to realise it was a lie, is what hurts the most. To give that person a valuable moment of this one life, only to have him up and leave in the most uncourteous way is not what one deserves.

But I believe that God's redemption encompasses all aspects of our lives. We are not damaged goods. We are adopted as daughters and sons of the Lover of souls. And with Him, we have a choice to love Him back - but He doesn't stop loving us either way.

Through mess, I've learnt to enjoy the power of forgiveness. Both His and my own.