it's not my birthday

It's time I wrote.
Because my fingertips have been crying for days now and all I want to do is flood this box with words.
I haven't written here for awhile because I don't aim to write succinctly.
I want to write something substantial - not for readers who want to know what I've been thinking or even wanting to know if I've felt any sort of negativity towards them, but for myself.

I feel like my lungs are logged with tears I can't cry out.
I've been sad about the way things work, the way success works, the way I progress. I realize that I actually stop to progress. And that isn't very acceptable to anyone. Especially not in the month of July or the next two months to come.
I told my friends how I've always wondered if I'm not meant to be an academic, or maybe even an intellect. I mean, I know that deep down, Media Law & Ethics isn't going to be a subject I'm going to excel in.
Perhaps they thought I was looking for answers from them, but I wasn't.
I just wanted someone to encourage me.

And this is the thing about me.
I look too much for encouragement, for comfort from people I hang around the most.
And maybe that's why they may feel the pressure to tell me the things I want to hear, and to take in the current burden I cut up and distribute like birthday cake.
But I need to learn that sometimes, friends don't have plates for me. And that it's not my birthday.
Friends break these plates on purpose, just so I may finally shut up and deal with my own problems myself.
Maybe that's not the best way friendship works but perhaps the time to rely more on myself has truly come before I break during internship.
I'm not embarrassed to admit since I have found company that I can laugh with and share with, being alone hasn't been something I crave for very much anymore.
But living through this week has shown me that I tried hard, even if I've felt like ending my life for an hour.
Even when I asked unnecessary questions or questions which answers were based on the most commonest of common sense, I asked because things weren't the clearest to me.
And I tried so hard, and forgot to look for alternative solutions - all at the wrong time.
All I ask for is to acknowledge the ideas I suggest, not ignore them. Don't worry about me losing the will to fight for my ideas or even giving up after anyone/everyone has rejected them, it never runs out until it fails to be for the betterment of our project.
But I don't beg for forgiveness or my friends to understand me, because I make mistakes. And it has hurt only myself, not anyone else.
I'm thankful that in that hour, I had my best friend and lover on the line and there's really nothing more I could ever ask for.

I've been missing you so much because you are the person I'm the most comfortable with.
You tell me things I need to hear, you hold me and shower me with love so dearly, I'll never get used to spending quality time with you for only twice a week.
I'm sorry I ask for your attention.
I still wish I could shrink, make a little bed in your breast pocket all day long, and just sleep, where it's close to your heartbeat.

This week I have felt so broken and mended at the same time.
I haven't understood why I make myself so available to get irritated and mad at; I'm still figuring that out.
But for once, I need to trust myself.
And I need to stop missing theatre sessions.
The actor in me needs to jump into some improv really soon.