I'd say hello but you don't love me at all.

lack

"Jesus shit" is more hurtful than the boys who called me "fuck face" and "pig trotter legs" years back.

The word "Jesus", its meaning, its identity and its weight should not be put next to the word "shit".

You have cut me and thrust in me a hardness of heart; a once waterlogged heart that has had its tears all squeezed out. 

I am extremely proud of myself today.

I have not cried because of you.

This must mean something.

I hate the way you've justified your shit, as if I'm not worthy of anything. 

a bite of baroque

This morning, I got onto Tumblr and reblogged this picture from Ken's blog!
Baroque painting and architecture has intrigued me ever since I was a little girl. Walking under these fascinating ceilings strips your identity of a 'Singaporean tourist' and immediately instills in you a sense of awe, reminding how human you really are.
I used to wonder: "Who painted these? Did the artists ever fall to their deaths while painting them? How tall was the ladder? Maybe it's fake. But we paid so much to come in. Is heaven really like that?"

Today I started to wonder what inspired this cultural movement.
These large-scaled, luxurious paintings resulted from a 'competition' that dates back all the way to 17th Century Europe between the Catholic church and the Divine Right of Kings (or Protestants). It was especially important to appeal to viewers who looked upon (and up at) these paintings and to fill them with wonder, hoping to provoke their senses and thoughts.
The Church's aim was to portray their message about the truths of God and to win the people's trust over through these paintings. The ceilings and walls would be illustrated with biblical scenes which partly denoted Catholic theoretical dogma, while the Kings would assert their authority in the palaces they ordered to build, which were decorated with murals and other mediums of art.
These murals were painted using the latest 'quadratura' and trompe l'oeil painting techniques, artistic techniques that create the 3D optical illusion of transforming the ceiling and walls of the building to look like it's opening up into the sky.
Discussing the topic of "Catholic Church vs Divine Right of Kings" throws lots of people into a historical debate about where the divine right of kings originated from, who the first King to be ordained by God was and such.

All this really puts me into the mood to look up and relearn the Apologetics, since I've forgotten most of it even after having learned it in Sunday School. I think it's very important to research about your own religion and though Catholics and Christians serve the same God, to find out what the differences between Catholicism and the teachings of Christianity are.
Which also brings me to the point about how people can misunderstand who God really is. In a way, the murals tell us a lot about human pride and the way humans try to 'outdo' each other by asserting their authority through manipulating God's Word. Pride is kind of... colourful though. And very detailed indeed.

Wild Dove, A Sonnet

I have grown to adopt the habit of borrowing a miser's envious sadness;
Letting things become inappropriate, letting purpled thoughts stain love.
Yet, I know this: The very core of my own affection is pulsing madness,
Though your presence has strangely visited me like a wild dove.

Having fed the subconscious mind's desire has disrupted this soul's peace;
When the reasons for your melancholia and charming ways I've ached to reap.
The Christian's virtues must overrule and the lust of the flesh must decrease:
Yet I may have been settling for second best all this while, waltzing through life asleep.

It is unfair to be watching you with a lazy eye
(It rests upon what has always seemed to give it rest.)
It is painful to deny the way my dream-state self wakes to cry -
It takes a pounding and a bruising blow to the chest.

Yet, I know this: The very heart of this sonnet reeks of raging madness;
I must starve the habit of borrowing a miser's illogical, reckless sadness.

you

You were surprisingly emotional today.
'You' is not meant to imply anything romantic.
I have never felt lonely around you.
I saw your face change from the corner of my eye the other night.
It was embarrassing, but I did feel beautiful.

I am very thankful, and I will leave this thought here so that it will not eat into my life.

darkness

There have been nights when I've felt terribly alone and I want to cry, but I suppress it.
Because I know it doesn't do me any good. It is a way I try to discipline myself, knowing I will be comforted in the end or in a few hour's time. I say, "You are lonely now but you won't be lonely tomorrow."
Still, somehow when I speak to Deb, everything I've put at the back of my mind just pours out. Having listened to Deb's voice over Skype even made me want to burst into tears. But we laugh about how my Shakespearean Portia is really from Hong Kong instead.

I've been practically thrown into limbo, only thing that it's not over a boy this time.
These are university applications.
My faith has taken a beating and I am still being ground and crushed like an olive. A very, very distressed olive. Three schools have rejected me and three replies are pending. I have one unconditional offer which I am very grateful for, but Ron says I shouldn't settle for second best, since it's not an acclaimed drama school and that I can always try again next year.
I am not exactly terrified of going back with six rejections because I'll probably join a youth theatre group, teach tuition and help out loads at Theatre Compass over the one year. I'll get to watch plenty of plays and work much harder on monologues. I know what I'm going to do.
I've decided that I will definitely apply for the auditions again - this time with my own hard-earned money.
But the time is now. Because I have done no less than my best at these auditions. And adding to the fact that God's grace has truly been enough for me.
Being here also makes me realise and understand why my parents or even friends think I'm too laidback when it comes to grades or any competition for that matter. I feel that I fit in perfectly in terms of 'competitiveness' here. Do you know what it feels like to be around people who are both passionate about what they do yet follow their own pace of learning and execute great work? Watching Anna and Ron do what they do and living comfortably makes me incredibly happy, which is probably why I like being around them both so much. I can be quite auntie when I want to chope seats. Other than that, life's cool. But I am not going to stop challenging myself and my abilities as an actor or learner.
Which is probably why I dread all this competition with other auditionees, because I don't like comparing myself according to other people or how well they've fared. As a thespian, I think that I am good - but I can be better. That's all I want the RADA panel to know; I am willing to learn, be broken down and then built up again.
Train me, mould me, teach me.
I truly enjoyed my audition at RADA. One auditioner said that choosing to do Emily from Emily of Emerald Hill was a clever move and that I was a valuable actor because I am at the same time, a singer and I (sort of) know how to play an instrument.
I hope that when they review my profile from the list of auditionees, my ID photo will be smiling so hard at them that they can't look away and let me join them.

Yet I am reminded of what my attitude should, first and foremost, be before God.
To ask Him to train me, mould me and to teach me.
I took a break from this post to pray and I remembered the words someone had said while praying for me: "Li Ling I sense that you are walking through darkness. Sometimes there is no light, but remember His rod and staff will guide you."
I immediately flipped my notebook open, where I had taken notes down from the New Year sermon.
It was based on Psalm 23.

"Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff,
they comfort me."

I noted the pastor's words down: "the rod is the sceptre of the King and the staff is His weapon - both of which are symbols of God's authority". It also shows that "the psalmist knew the real presence of God in those low moments in life, that the Holy Spirit is what tells you Christ is real". Because "Christianity is experiential". Because it is of an "unanswerable witnessing", which is also "the infallible proof of Christianity that testifies you are a child of God".
I have been trying to find the words to describe and to make meaning of what I've been going through.
The word is "darkness". For me, this is aptly and surely the season of darkness.
Somehow everything falls into place - yesterday I went to the Bath City Church to ask for a prayer request and one thing that the man who had prayed for me said to me was "God said 'Don't worry about the darkness, I'll take care of it.'
Besides the fact that I am quite wary of charismatic Christians (heh), it was something that stood out a lot to me. It was something I needed to hear because that summarized the exact attitude I should adopt in the midst of these auditions, rejections and acceptances.
He also asked God to give me the gift of evangelism. He said I can use my skill set as an actor to do wondrous things for God. This was something I had thought long and hard about, and I'd really like to achieve these things.
I am simply amazed at how He has worked and once again, met me in the desert.
(Please don't think I'm being preachy or showing off how 'rooted' I am in my religion. He sees what I do in secret and I am ashamed of many things.)

In the end, I will accept everything that comes. I will work through anything I'm given, but keeping in mind the One who has brought me here in the first place.
Life doesn't revolve around these auditions, but when I stand before the gates of heaven, my name better be in that beautiful, rewarding book of Life.

breakthrough

"Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, "Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.""
- Romans 12:19

Yesterday night Deb slept over and we did tie dye strips. We also stayed up till 5 in the morning and she, being passionate as always when it comes to directing, helped me to choose and pace all four contemporary/classical monologues.
No director would have sat down with me for five hours, going through the character's every single intention, motivation and words of the scripts we chose. Pride really isn't an issue when it comes to choosing your monologues - I think as an actor, you need all the help you can get, especially advice and guidance from that of a H3 Literature student who has read far more plays and texts than I have. The entire experience was every sort of humble; it was the most fulfilling acting homework I have ever been engaged in with a director with such a sense of objectivity and function.
We broke the character of Emily of Emerald Hill down together. And you really can't say you understand the character of Emily just because 1) you know the play, 2) you've read it. It is not by mere description that Emily can be visualized or made come to life. Emily is a character that must be felt, and a sense of history and knowledge of the Peranakan culture. (I am so thankful for having learnt about all this through internship, and for meeting Stella Kon herself.)
One cannot do enough research.
Though I'm a little concerned with presenting Emily to the five British audition panels, I have a feeling that learning and speaking in an assertive but spunky Peranakan accent will be the best thing that has ever happened to me.
Because Emily speaks so much about home, about family, about Singapore. Her matriarchal, no-nonsense but humane personality is, safely put, multi-layered - a character that reminds me so much of History From The Hills and how every descendant spoke of their ancestor, whether Peranakan or not, which such admiration and how they showed their individual "labours of love".

This afternoon I plonked myself down at the Woodlands Library to finish both Twelth Night and Emily of Emerald Hill and to familiarise myself with the chosen monologues.
I found myself getting goosebumps as I finished reading the last page of Emily, and I found myself fidgeting less and sitting in silence to ponder about how much she had to go through to learn, to even gain an "I love you" from her daughter Doris through a letter.
It was the same feeling from last night, when revelations about this character hit me as Deb and I both revelled in the entire process of breaking down this character. 'Thank you' is not enough.
Before today, all I felt was anxiety and fear. I had to sit and listen to the most horrible, venomous words I haven't heard for a long, long time.

On the bus, it suddenly dawned on me that the Lord had avenged me.
I have people who love me. Who sacrifice their time and effort to see me through these auditions, making sure it goes smoothly for me. My parents, my colleagues, my closest friends, and Ron.
I realised that these people have been set apart and set aside to fulfill His plans - I for them and them for me.
And this one thought had me smiling with a tear-streaked face as I alighted the bus and walked home.
Dramatic... But these were tears of joy, because even if I had strayed from good counsel, one thing my friends told me remained throughout these few weeks - the Lord will walk you through this; He doesn't abandon us.
Even when I thought He'd be entirely disappointed in me, He lifts me up when I am faced with naysayers who tell me going this far to pursue this degree is not worth it.
He never promised that I wouldn't be afflicted. But He tells me to not fear my enemies, to not be bothered by what they say and if they want to slap my right cheek, offer them my left.

Look where that got me.
I am at peace, because You go before me, and You shield my way.