The Villanelle

Tonight I started studying a book I borrowed from the library, The Making of a Poem, edited by Mark Strand and Eavan Boland.
I have just finished making notes about the nature of a villanelle and am surprised that a villanelle the book featured is one of my favourite poems - Elizabeth Bishop's One Art. 
A villanelle is a strict poetic form, in which many poets have used to 'harp' on themes of particularly, loss. 
Besides drama, poetry has become one of the arts I will always want to drown myself in. 
I believe I have found my voice in this form, and I want to study it and use it and make it part of my career.
I want to be a travelling poet - just like Sierra DeMulder and Sarah Kaye. 
I want to have my own session of sharing at BluJaz. Perhaps I'd like to perform at places that are more 'distinguished' in the future, but BluJaz was the first place I fell in love with poetry all over again. I want to hold my first show there. And I'll make sure that there are enough chairs to go around, baskets of fries are on me, and my best friends get front row seats. Pay for the alcohol yourself. 

The other night I went to Sentosa with Jon and his army friends, and I crashed midway.
Boys can talk about army forever.
You were on my subconscious mind the whole night, and the only one my eyes longed to see, my ears longed to hearing you speak. Speaking with me. Looking at me. The night was long, five minutes of sleep felt like an hour.
Missing you has been a thing I try to get accustomed to, but it is a painful thing to consciously do.
It feels so natural to do everything with you; to go on adventures with, to expand and share (dirty) humour with, to be elephants with.
The state of which I picked my universities was of reverie; finally dreaming and finally seeing that through.
Yet when I think of you, I am plunged into a dream and waking up will be hard to do, but at least we wake up together. And when I do, my eyes will be looking into yours and yours alone.
How much I love you, I cannot put into words.
I know you'll be with me till the end.
Um. (blush)

honesty

"I have many things to do, I'll complete them today."

A lie I tell myself whenever I am anxious and kanchiong to finish my tasks. In the end, I do so little.
Though I did manage to finish my workload yesterday. I like how I have the freedom to procrastinate here, and that I am allowed to take my time to finish something till I think it's perfect.
I have been stressed about this personal statement I must submit soon, which is always at the back of my mind when I come to work.
Internship will end soon and I will miss this office and the people when I am gone.
Ken says these people like me so much, it is true, and I like them a lot too.
I started to miss this whole place when walking on that rocky dirt path towards Song Lin Building this morning.
I wanted to take a picture but my camera is scratched.
I wanted to rub my face in the dirt and cry.

Today I am emotional, but composed.
Not that being composed has done anything for me.
Life isn't professional.
I've tried to be, but I haven't lived ever since.

Dear you,
I'm sorry I tell you that the answer to life is God.
I'm sorry I cannot show you the answer clearly, because I can't even tell you how real this God has been to me.
I love you very much and because I do, I want you to meet Him.
But I know it is my answer, and you seek a "different answer".
I will be a friend and be by your side.
I'm sorry I tried to fix you, I know I can't. I wish I had words that could persuade you to open your heart, but I must realise that sometimes opening can be painful after we've been closed for so long.
And I have no reason to tell you not to hurt, or to direct how you should feel.
I cannot fill this void that has been set in your heart. Whether it was set or formed, I don't know.
You do not act, and I thank you for simply being you.

Liars can be honest too.
When they are, they are very, very beautiful.
Lord will you hear this cry. It is a soft one, but it is a cry.

now

Last night Danial drove us around and I was the last person he sent home.
He told me, "Now, I'm searching for God."
And that was a powerful statement, because to take time to seek is the sort of discipline and courage I want to muster.
This is a man who has had the hardest time leaving the girl he loves.
And even though we probably believe in different religions, I felt a strength grip my heart when he said those words.

"Cos though the truth may vary,
this ship will carry our bodies safe to shore."

19

It's been 6 days after my birthday and I am now 19.
Lizzy and Sanjay came to surprise me after my family celebrated with me over dinner and we laughed so much.
I am so blessed to be the one who is in love, to be cherished by the people I want to keep in my life till the end of the world.

I realise that as I grow older, I have nothing to hide.
(Okay maybe if I ever get an STD, yeah, I wouldn't be telling anyone about that.)
I'm not ashamed of the things that people deem are embarrassing or "TMI" (in which this contradicts the first sentence).
I guess being honest has made me grow into a person who can tackle issues head on - not to prove that I'm smart or noble or anything like that - but to prove that I'm real, that I can be relatable and be a support for the people who have gone through the same exact feelings.
And these feelings are pretty shitty, conflicting but in the end, always rewarding.
I am alright with being human for once in my life.

At work I have been contemplating about the comments people make and how they make me feel.
Some words have hurt me, but I realised that they don't mean a thing to me. They got nothing on me.
Then again, comments are not about making me feel a certain way and if they are to make me feel any lesser than I should, I must know that they do not have any long term effects on me.
As much as we care about the ones around us, who are angels 90% of the time, the 10% when I am to be brought down is what causes me to be strictly professional.
Lizzy told me that when she's professional, she's really cold. That has become one of my favourite truths of all time.
Comparison happens every single day.
When Diane told me that the nature of women is to compare, I wondered how many times I had tried to break out of this shell. But this happens with everyone, no matter the gender - you see cats vying for their owner's love as well.
I've been thinking about that all week ever since the conversation we had last Sunday, which blessed me greatly... and it's s true, isn't it?
Here I go again, on a moral quest to rid myself of these issues so as not to partake it by being human.

I am not a blind optimist.
But I try to be aware of what wrecks me, and I try to choose the better of the two.
It's just like turkey and logcake. I always, always go for the Pina Colada.
No link but... there's going to be a Christmas party at the office!
I wonder if I'll be spending Christmas in England next year.
Ron says I can stay with him in Bath over the month of April when I fly over to audition at the universities.
I am more than psyched : )
Happy day.

dwelling

On every platform I express myself with, everything I have ever written about is an outpouring of how much I love and who I love.
And you may find that a girl's dreams are simple and girlish. With no ambition or anything that supports it.
I guess I pride myself in being a lover.
I love life, sure, but I love romance like mad.
And that's okay.

I talk about love and relationships a lot, because I've always been so mesmerized by it. Not the kind of love you see in movies, just real fighting and real making up again.
I've always been this way since I was young. I've always wanted a companion who could understand me inside out and live life with me in this way.

Realised that I date to marry.
I really do want to put my trust and faith in this man whom I hope to have a long-term relationship with or even possibly marriage, and perhaps I may even have the ability to worship this man..
Unfortunately, I have let that happen - and it has destructed me and brought me to a state of where I am so discontented with everything around me because I have shifted my focus from loving the Lord first.

Things have changed.
Because I finally and firmly know what I want in a man, and I will rely on this man to be the head of my household and a leader of my family. Who loves God, who wants to know Him more, and to be self-aware to the point that he knows when he is doing wrong.
I will never marry a man who lies to me or watches pornography behind my back. Yet should I fail to "assess" this man-of-my-dreams' qualities before I am engaged to him, then I will fight this battle with him.

But if, if you ever betray me, don't expect my love for you to be whole again.
Because I am imperfect and I do not wish to be known as noble for being the lover who forgave or anything of that sort - I just want you to know that I am a responsibility all on my own, and if you cannot handle me, give it up.
You think that it is unfair. I think that I love you enough not to do it, to not see a need for it anymore.

porny thoughts

"Pornography is OK if you need knowledge, but masturbation is unnatural sex."
My dad said that and he is nowhere to becoming a Christian any time soon.

I wonder if Christianity has changed my perception of pornography to think it "unnatural".
Then again, if I had never chanced upon this topic and material, I would have thought it pretty strange (though innovative and definitely indulgent) to create something for men or women to climax to.

I have half the mind to make a documentary about pornography in Singapore and how it influences us as a society.
But... I'm a pretty preachy person.

I wonder if I can have the same, trusting love if I never had this perception in my head and was okay with my boyfriend watching pornography.

Pornography has hurt me before - it made me a person of addiction, and it made me look at men disrespectfully. No matter how the general population of men perceive women or look at them lustfully, it doesn't matter - it's the way I looked at them.
And it scared me, because it was vicious.
If you judge me after reading this, you're funny.

So when I can fully accept the fact that I allow my future husband or boyfriend to watch porn, does this mean I am conforming or giving in to the "secular" world in a way?
Then again, I feel that the "secular" world has shown me so much more love and acceptance than at church sometimes.
The church is not a bad place. I just don't feel comfortable.

I always think what I'd be like if I had abandoned Christianity and not held onto it, just like last year.
I'd never know when I'd be hurting myself, and I'd never be more self-aware than I am right now.

Maybe I've fuelled my own idealism all too much with what I expect of in a husband or lover.
I don't know. I am a pretty extreme person, always absolute and taking sides.
When and where may I find someone who can handle me and understand me, to let me rely on them emotionally while being independent?
This doesn't mean I don't appreciate my current boyfriend.
I have a feeling I may be a biased parent. I hope I won't be one.

You don't have to move

A poem for a video Ken and I may collaborate on when time is on our side. To choose the home or our current family state we are living through right now, above any other escape or self-pampering we may have in mind:

We must want to be somewhere that makes us feel like home.
Not a country that makes you gasp and moan and claw walls for - but home.
Understand that it is perfect.

Perfect because it is imperfect.
Imperfect, because, it is home.
Where lust and greed and pride reside
Where charm and labour and silent suffering are bound to hide
Hide, in the quiet of your father's violent nature
In the chaos of your mother's warm, nurturing womb
And where home is,
There your heart will be also
There your bones will ache
For your treasure is one that will strike you
And never redeem you from the sacrifice you have made

This love -
It is a real one
And reality will lash its whips in your face
But use the same, porous kitchen towels that smell of sunflower oil to wipe the blood off your face - Face it -

Again it cuts
Again it soothes
Again it moves,
It has to move
But you don't have to.


In this country we have both called restrictive and lame and angry
On this land we have both deemed haunted and boring and repetitive
But I trust you, and I trust me,

That perhaps we may find this facet of us in a cold forest abundant with lush undergrowth and sweet, stark berries - which we call Iceland and Paris or London or romantic Rome
Find one's self as a god and chosen daughter of the universe, when the beams of the aurora borealis pour down upon me as hero, like the yolk of the sun of the City of Atlantis that once thrived and will forever be reborn again in your soul
But there can only be one hero.

And this trust we have in the countries that the mystery of being human has led us to want, to smell, to lick, to break into two -
Yet when I am a screaming demon,
Cursing my deserved quality of life,
The standards I can never again achieve
The free songs of a bird I may never again sing -
Life tells me to trust it.
Because:

Again it cuts
Again it soothes,
Again it moves, it has to move
But you don't have to.

Still, should you be on your way,
Run home.