Did you know???
Things like that make me want to cut my breasts off.

high for this

I wonder if it's going to be another rainy day again.
I am wearing the wrong bra and the wrong feeling today.
I feel like breaking my feet and throwing all my clothes off and go running, stark naked into arms that I've always known.
Today I don't think I can take anything unkind anyone throws at me; I am almost too sure that I will bite back and not let go.
The house and my shoes were evil to me today because things went walking; things were everywhere and time was screaming at me.
But I'm going home tonight to say sorry for treating them so meanly and selfishly.
My wallet should not take the hurt either.
I don't know, I don't know, I'm just so tired but now I can smell you and I am happy all over again.
Life is so hurried and you slow me down.
So, so.

I think I miss my parents.
Last night I was walking and listening to Clean Up Your Eyes and as the music went on and on, I heard a ghostly manly voice call my name over and over again.
Which made me very paranoid about whether my Dad is okay overseas.
Dear papa and mama:
I dream of you two holding hands strolling down cobble-stoned streets without a care in the world but with all the care for each other. And know this is what it's like to be in love, this is what it's like to be on holiday and this is what it's like to be missing our daughter at home. "This is the life I've worked for to share with you:, "this is the man I love like my own father and he is my husband; he takes care of me", "she loves me, not my money, and I know it is real", "there is true love because there is you" and really, I know there is a forever and there is a God and there is true love because I look at you guys and it's all there.
This is where all my passion to love comes from, I could lay myself down and abandon it all to learn it inside out.
How intricate the smooth vines of affection really are and just to finger the bulbous, swollen tips of its fruit gently to give it life through orgasm and purity at the same time.

I miss my parents.
Sometimes while I watch TV I imagine being all alone in the world, like they are gone with their bodies broken down into ash kept in clay jars at the temple and I bask in that moment.
I look around at my home and peer into the cabinet with my mama's precious china from all over the world, crystal figures and carefully painted ornaments, feel the carpet with my toes through and through... And I wonder what would change if they were really gone, how would I fight to stay alive - do I have to survive or can I still live?
Would I have to live under someone else's rules and live with a burden strapped to my chest and wallet most of the time?
Would I ever have to make the effort of visiting my relatives every Chinese New Year and constantly be constructing a face for society to see, to talk to?
Would I ever, again, have privacy the way I do now, know what it's like to save money for the future and oh, all these that come along with this new reality.
Above all, I know that losing the privileges will be okay with me but to live under another's authority... no.
To have someone breathe down my back upon making my every move in life.
But yknow, if it happens, it must mean I am ready for it.
Anyway, I miss them, I really do.

I am so in love with ideas of the Baroque era that I imagine my fats to be of gold sometimes- this world does not affect me unless you give me words that cut and your words are the only ones I live by.
I know I am weak this way, I know I am the only one I have but I am one with you...so hello :)
Evening is setting in and I am happier now.

something like that

I hope you achieve everything you think is "noble".
I look at all things wrong- What is right without wrong?
Yes, you guessed it, I am saying I am right.
Who the hell are you to question my morals or who I love- whom I never had to tire my effort or quiet nights out for?
I wasted many tears and jealous dreams for you.
This is my happy and this is my territory.
It is good that you are furious, I will continue sinking my teeth into thick meat and look straight through your gaze seething with all your, um, pain and all your.... what's that word. Oh. 'Hurt'.
Hmmmmm.....
Fuck hurt.

I am not the type to turn the other cheek- you are not worth it.
You, chauvisnistic thing, you should have kissed me.
I laid out my affection like a feast for your greed and when it wasn't enough I let my blood run dry, so much so that it has stained my notebooks and memory.
But that had to happen so I could see through you.
Don't come around to tell me I didn't feel enough, don't tell me I would have worked for you if only it was enough.
Enough enough, what is enough from me when enough from you was pixie dust.
Do you know how that feels? Do you know what pixie dust is?
It's bullshit.
It was a thread and bastard, you hung me high.
I fought well but now I am empty handed. Do you think you are God?
Because I have lived enough to believe that these hands deserve gold and these hands deserve the words "not a mite will I withhold". I deserve to be fearless for, strong for, brave for and you are none of that.
Don't ask me not to change, don't ask me not to neglect you if you have showed me the most contradiction I have ever seen in years- the friends I choose to keep close do not have faces that split at the eyes or sunken, black cheeks. (do you know they give you away?)
Of course I hover around, of course I am fleeting with all my lust and the 'love' I proclaim.
But I will show you that I am fleeting enough to stay.
Stay stay what a disgusting twist you have attached to it.
So don't, DON'T push the blame on someone else.
You should be faithful and you should tear your ego right down to your feet.
If you see that it's filthy, well, it is.
What I have is pure and what I have right now is a blessing- I will not let you pollute it.
This is no matter of pride, this is about wrong and right.
You are wrong.
I am right.
Strike my right cheek, strike it harder because my left side will be hollow.

cave me in cave us out

It's like the seconds try their very best to cautiously creep past but they can't escape because a moment captures them and they have to freeze.
In those moments I break and these swollen bags release tears. Well I thought these eyes could be trusted but they are not safe; they throw drop by drop off the brink then off another one and another and another.
I am an enemy and bane to my own self, I am tired of existing just to kill myself this way.
My self hinders me from living.
I can't cling, I can't stick, I belong but sometimes I doubt human love.
What is ever enough.
Tonight I am not content and that is just the way things go.
I will sleep now, unashamed, yet so uncontrollably hot in the face.

I'm not obliged to give you my attention but I want to.
I want to show you that I still care.
Sorry I made you wait long.
I hope you will be kind.

octxymoron

Jeremy Fish's (one of my fave graphic artists and that is one intense beard) new work:

He gets his inspiration by collecting stories from his friends and people.

"The last couple years I have gotten really into the Grim Brothers. I always knew that they were the original story tellers behind a lot of the old Disney stuff or shit that they took and reworked. So I started to follow them a little deeper and got more into their stuff, and it's as classic as mythology story telling gets."

It has been a pretty nice Sunday.

Ron, Anna and Lea are in Singapore and they're all so lovable. Which means I love them very much, yes I do.

Woke up to have breakfast with everyone and Lea got to try fried white carrot cake and the usual hawker food. Then we showed Lea round the wet market.

So this fishmonger says to my brother in Mandarin "Hey! Are all three beauties from the three kingdoms yours?!"

There were four of us (Lea, Anna, my cousin then I at the back) and I couldn't believe the guts of this man.

So I shouted WALAO THREE NIA!!!

Sure, there was banter here and there, blablablahhh, laughed it off but honestly...it hurt.

I'm being petty,  yes I know.

It has always been hard for me to accept the fact that I have never been 'pretty' in the average Singaporean's eyes. 

Comments like these matter to me especially if they are my mom's. (Well, technically she's Malaysian but still.) And I wonder if she'll ever know that. I wonder if she knows that she was the very first woman I have ever loved in my whole life and what she made me feel when she tore me down.

I remember my papa's sister comparing me to my cousin over a dinner last year, announcing to the entire table that I am so much 'blacker' and saying that my cousin looks so much prettier than I do.

It is the same vibe I got from that fishmonger (skinny tiko-looking guy who sported a very lousily dyed, collapsing mohawk) and sometimes when I get comments like that, I feel like committing suicide just to punish that person.

And that amount of guilt she/he suffers will satisfy me so immensely that my bones will melt into the earth almost immediately once my coffin is laid down. And I swear my skeleton's jaw bones will smile the fuck out of shape. 

But then again, the people I love + kenzo are enough for me.

I am very grateful that people take the time and effort to get to know me and it is only my blessing that they love me back just the way I am.

I cannot ask for more, and I live for that.

Two days back, Hana and I had very intimate talk (me likey!) spread out over our favourite Starbucks egg white wrap lunch, finishing her errands and a little while more at the Hilltop cafe.

And I am so sure that I love her as a friend because she is so darn true to her emotions and what she stands for.

I can't even-

Nobody should take her affection + concern + anything about her for granted.

Anyway, I have been tired of doing things that compromise my happiness so here's a TO DO list I wrote on the back of a receipt the other day on the MRT:

Another * I'd like to add: Detach myself from material things or apply hot glue onto my earlobes every time I want to wear earrings (I realise I get very upset upon losing my accessories and knick knacks which I harp on which proceeds to me being a grouch and that just gives me wrinkles so all in all, it is BAD)

The month of October is coming to an end and this month I went clubbing for the first time and this is also me puking all over the pavement. Kelvin was kind enough to tie my hair and to take pictures with my phone and Lynette as I suffered in occasional silence (puking causes one to make sounds, uh huh) 

Bleeaaaaggghhhh

I also won second for CASS Factor *inserts modest mouse face* and I seriously wouldn't have won without all my friends and mama who voted for me! So many people cheered for me and I was so overwhelmed. I didn't get anyone to record the performance but I will never forget how much fun I had onstage. And backstage. On Whatsapp. Hehehe

Hey there Hana banana

This is Josieee *gemmy bling bling* 

Kel was the emcee for the night!

Theatre friends ohhhh me babies ohhhh <3

We like being dramatically awkward.

Danial and I singing When You Say Nothing At All + Chariot at a Toastmasters Event @ Ngee Ann

Random: Adi + zanymon filming an inanimate object

Whatsapp has been such a joy. And this boy agrees!

wheeeeeee

Kenzo and I went to watch Cara at her concert.
We had loads of fun. I can't even describe it.
ANYWHERE IS FUN AS LONG AS I HAVE MY GALLYPALLY- this I type as loud as I could yell.
And what were you thinking, you Caucasian passerby- of course we were going to carry on!
I am mighty mighty lucky.

Dear love:

This thing I'm in, this thing.

It has been the most unbelievable thing as dreaming goes.

What is it, I can never put a name to it.

A carton of milk pressed cold against a stomach stricken with gastric, a shimmering crystal cave with a shade that comforts and hides me from blinding, scorching sun (that makes me burn and hurt all over), an affection that lasts, a love that lasts, a sunny side up, a checkered flannel shirt waving in the cold wind and with that breeze your scent wafts to greet my senses and you make my head reel- what is this I don't know but it has my heart and I surrender.

October has been cute and have a great Halloween, patient reader of thy long ass post!

._.

Let me give you perfectly imperfect meaning
Let me resurrect new life to old touch
I would give all of my rotten self
Just to weigh your words against my heart
My trust is your anchor and your hammer's strength lives in my blood
We are moving, moving.

My neighbour has a girlfriend.
Geez, that wicked thing.
Never have I felt so happy for someone else and I don't even know him.

There have been best days, but I forgot about the word "better" and this has just begun.
I was right about it.....since yesterday.
Hee:)
I didn't lose you-
you lost me.