11:11

i don't think anything's ever confirmed.

it's 11:11
i don't even know what to wish for

so i'm going to watch it waste away
which is interesting for a change
almost like how i'd let something i cherish so much slip away *just like that* from my fingers
mm if it's not meant to be mine
then there's no use holding onto it is there
what
it's 11:12 now

that was fast!
hazy dazy wheeeee~~~

security

we say all the things that we don't mean
we say them because we want to make an impact, we want to make a difference
hints hurt like grenades searing through flesh
words pierce and lock themselves in our heads
is that alright?
i'll never know if i really want this
because i don't know if you do.
and is that alright with you?

give my gun away when its loaded
is that alright?
if you don't shoot it how am i supposed to hold it?
is that alright with you?

so i say the things i don't mean
for the bloody heck and fun of it
and having fun is all i've ever wanted to achieve
good-for-nothingness
hell yes, yes, yes.

then it should be alright with you.

yknow it pays to be careful yet happy at the same time?

Food has been such a comfort, besides all the very nice friends I have around me:)
I will not be surprised if I see the meter on the weighing scale pop and point to a numeral larger compared to the last time I weighed myself.
Ok which I just checked - and it did not pop! :D
Yes I am rejoicing and it's cool that I have maintained my weight bbbut my pulse rate is higher than usual and I've been feeling fatigue creep up on me - even after 8 hours of sleep.
And this just proves that stress has been taking its toll on me (how ironic that it has benefits)!!! D:
I haven't had the mood to blog because my posts have been so negative lately.
But I was born to be a ranter and a faithful ranter I shall remain!


So here goes the long-awaited self refection (that is to satisfy me, at least):
I've been taught to tolerate but to also stand up for myself if the situation needs salvage from proud evil people who do not listen.
I have also seen how God gives so much underserving grace to the humble and that He opposes the proud. Yes which has really hurt the person.
And how:
+ we shouldn't take ourselves so seriously
+ we should always learn to trust and that although you think self-confidence has been long gone, it's still in there
+ inferiority really does nothing but tear yourself down
+ listening is a good and noble thing to do
+ don't change yourself for anybody
+ you gotta read the Bible and hide His word in His heart if you want to abide in Him.
+ self-blame can be overcome when you look to the cross.
+ God is worthy of all praise in every season, through the good times and bad.


I haven't been successful at making good music recently but all that will change very soon.
On the other hand, I have been writing some poetry that people actually appreciate and relate to!
This was what I presented at the Poetry Slam Revolt last Friday on the 21st of January:

Love could chase me

I'd be easy to entertain or even lure

But put me through heartache and guessing

That, I am not sure if I can endure

Love should chase me

Cos my liking for you is not fleeting;

Not like your mother on menopause

So will you recognize this as a cheesy line

To make you work for a cause?

Because I'm stuck here in limbo

In roads and homes and places and scents

In faith and time and food and friends

I'm swirling around in a boiling sea of grey,

And yknow funny thing is, my heart has been made your prey

I collapse a little inside when you speak her name

Or build up walls to force me to play your games

If you thought that trust was easy to learn

To find mine - my own insecurities I had to burn!

You could chase me

Cos I'd make you dreamcatchers, catch you parakeets and more

When you have your storms, I'll sing them lullabies

Though you take me for granted all the damn time

And I am your equivalent to making your heart grow sore

And the only one who will be there for you when you run out of Dota gold and grow quite poor

I will love you through the black and blue

And misery of every hue

And I know that I terrify you

I also know I blow your mind and make you think twice through

Love should chase me

Yes indeed, as Oscar Wilde has put it

“The very essence of romance is uncertainty” –

But baby, it’s killing me!

It's wrapped me round its fingers

Bruised and cut sore

And the crazy thing is:

I really want more

You should chase me

- Not because you're the guy

But because you should prove to me that I'm worth the try

And that’s why you should chase me, sucker.

We won first place, by the way! *wink*


So to end off, this is what I did before I went to bed the other night.
I was quite amused and went to sleep with a huge cheesy grin.

mm p/s: i don't believe in being head over heels in love with a person if he/she doesn't feel the same way about you.
so guard your heart k
:3

stop

hello
am i just tired
or am i just tired of talking about stuff

the thing about not letting yourself cry is that
you don't know if you're breaking little by little inside
because it makes you numb

but being numb is good
it toughens you up
to take on the world and its demands

how about me. i want something too. i don't believe you.
so stop it

control

I am sitting at one of my favourite spots to write at and all around me is creation.

Trees, hanging vines, bright pink and peach colored bougainvilleas, the cooing birds, a man’s distant voice, my breathing and my existence.

They all comprise of structure, texture, lines, position, sound, colour, beauty, effort, time, patience, mystery, science, life and faith.

I think human beings are beautiful.

How the heart never stops beating until He deems it to cease.

How there is no better filter than the kidney.

How the eyes see such colour, transition and movement – the way a yellow breasted bird with stark, black lined wingtips and eyes catches your attention and perches on a coconut tree, darting about attentively yet managing to enjoy bathing in the golden warmth of the evening sun at the same time.

How we have moods and personalities.

How genius human beings really are.

How we have willpower and strength (that is either honed or innate in us) to survive. To discern. To obey.

Obey.

Suddenly I feel like the blackest sheep of all creation.

"Blessed is the Man who hears the word of God and obeys it."

I know I am able to break away from self-blame.

But.

I am not able to.

I have no more strength - I am drained.

I am a Procrastinator and I am content.

I am in a rut and here I will stay.

s.o.s.

Lord I need a breakthrough.

I think I have been a bad person.
I feel like a prostitute and a slave to so many things.
I need rest.
Both spiritual and physical rest.
Sweet, sweet sleep.

in between

i never knew how real the pain was
until i sat there
with left hand in sin
and right hand dangling,
resting,
helpless

so i got up to leave
looked up at my face in my mirror
and got a shock
because
it has been so long since i've seen those eyes

i know i'll be doing myself a favor
but it's really painful
now i know how you felt
- sometimes the right thing is the hardest thing at the same time