thinking

I thought about chunky things while running around with the crew today.

I thought about awkwardness and how real it is.
I thought about the line between being able to say things that reflect who I really am as a person and who I really am as an intern.
About how I trust too easily.
About lust and how love truly wins over any body part you think about. Shawn was right.
Incompetence wasn't a thought, it was a feeling.
And I'm finally seeing how hard I've been on myself for the longest time.
How I'd like to stop being anxious, stop wanting to take the blame so much for something that I only caused partially or sometimes not at all.
God let me live me the day I stop saying sorry.

I thought about those words f u again and again and why I swear like that.
It was okay, everyone's going to tell me it was okay, but it was mighty rude.
Anyway, don't lecture me, okay.

I thought about where we went and listened to Intro by The XX on repeat while chilling at the back of the van. Every driver out there looked at me like I was a prisoner, with a "Something in my vision moved- WHAT is that a girl sitting at the back of that van?!" face.
Soundman and Cameraman stopped behind the van on a motorbike over a couple of traffic lights. I just, looked elsewhere.
See how real awkwardness is.

I also thought about you.
And how you'll always be the friend I'd always love to have watch me in every production I act in or gig I (will eventually) sing at.
I wish you stayed by my side.

Everyday, I'm mentally noting down something new to write in the Thank You cards to everyone at work.
Everyday, I'm listening and watching these people react to situations.
I also talk a lot of crap.
Downed all three cupcakes Ken's mama baked for me; I'm really happy.