Never too late

Today I was thinking of social media and how it has shaped me.

Because of it, I have become more judgmental, and as if I wasn't an 'appearance-first' sort of person before, it has made me become even more aware of what I look like to others, and how others look like to me.
Especially my spiritual life. 

I want to change all of this. I know it starts from an individual, but if I can't even capture my mind's most selfish thoughts on a day to day basis, how do I start? The question was, WHAT can cause me to surrender these poisonous things and in turn, slowly change the world? 

Abiding In The Father's Love 

YAM Retreat 2014 started on Saturday morning and ended on Monday afternoon - a three-day retreat that I clearly underestimated. In fact, I underestimated God. On Sunday night, I assumed that it was "too late to experience the Father's love" and Him being God, blew me away as usual. 

Pastor Barnabas encouraged us to, instead of going out for supper, stay in the hotel ballroom or to go back to our own rooms to simply spend a little time with God. 

I had no desire or intent to, and even asked a friend of mine: Eh, what do you want to do? Do you want to go out (sincerely) or are you going to spend some time with God (sarcastically)?

Then he lost his phone and a few of us went downstairs to look for it at the ballroom we just left after Pastor Barnabas' talk. 

When I walked in, it wasn't the low whirring of the air conditioner or how quiet/focused everyone was that hit me. 

It wasn't all that, because a thought popped into my mind: "Lord, Your presence is so attractive, I want to be with You now." 

But like on an episode of The Prodigal Daughter 101, I ran away. I went upstairs to find Belle, but I just couldn't get that sentence out of my head. 

It was all too strange to me, because that was what my heart wanted but my flesh wanted to go out to play, to talk nonsense and waste the night away. To enjoy it MY WAY. To end the whole fiesta with a bang - but at retreats like that, the "bang" is encountering the living God. That was the difference.

I told myself, "if God wants to meet me, He'll give me the desire to do it. And He'll give it to me now."
Sure enough, He did. Because I had never felt this drawn to go back to a place that I had previously found so boring.

I knew that even after He gives me the desire to do something, I still have the choice to either abide by it or to completely ignore it; AKA free will.
But this retreat showed me that I need to start relating to God as Father, not Boss. 

So this time, I went back. Belle went with me, and I was so encouraged by the way she said, "Let's go." 

At first, I was HELLA nervous to even step into the ballroom. The presence of the Lord was so strong; He was there, but I didn't know what to say. I chose a quiet corner and sat with Belle, and I still didn't know how to start. 

"Um, hi God, I have nothing to offer You. I don't even know if it's too late to come and meet You."

The model answer is no, the Jamie answer was no, and the real, honest-to-god answer will always be no.

It is never too late to meet God. 

And what's amazing is that He knows the depths of your heart before you can even start to make sense of it. And without knowing it, the secret longing of my heart was, "Draw me close to You, because I can't do it alone."

So after Jamie prayed a prayer with me, inviting Christ to come and find me again, she urged me to spend a little time on my own with God.

I want to record this down because it was beautiful.

I flopped down on the floor (Belle said everyone saw my butt but I was so unaware of what I looked like that I just continued lying in that position for about an hour), and asked the Lord the most self-indulgent, yet simplest question I could ever ask: "Lord, how much do you love me? Show me how much you love me." 

Immediately, I was reminded of a phone conversation I had with my father, who had called me around two hours ago to ask, "Ling, have you eaten dinner yet?"
"Yes I have! Do you want to see a picture of the place?"
"Okay!" 

"I'm coming back on Monday night."

"Okay, good. Okay, bye!" 

Because I am Chinese, I understand my father's heart perfectly when he asks me or any of his children, "Ling, have you eaten yet?" 

It is one of care and concern. It is one who wants to know you're doing fine, and you are well. 

And this love crosses boundaries. 

When I was in the UK and it was midnight in Singapore, I received a phone call from him with him asking, "Ling, what are you doing now?" 

Ling. What. are. you. doing. now. 

And my response just HAD to be, "Why you call me? I'm packing my things. Why leh?" 

That was my first response - cold, blunt, and even cutting. 

I knew it wasn't the most tactful reply, because I heard him say, "Har..." which is "Oh...", and he quickly moved on from that to ask me something else. 

After I was reminded of that, I felt the Lord say to me, "You see that? I love you a hundred, a thousand times more than how much your earthly father loves you."

And I just stayed face down, on the carpeted floor, crying and laughing as I acknowledged His love and saw my dad's face in my mind's eye. 

This was my Father's heart for me.

All it took was a little time spent with God - and that experience fills me to the brim. That experience makes me want to become better for Him. 

On social media, our profiles look brilliant. Even our spiritual lives look flawless. "I already know God. I am a Christian. I am a winner!" 

We forget that we are very, very, broken people. We forget that God longs for a "broken spirit; a broken contrite heart that You will not despise (Psalm 51:17)". We can't even save ourselves, let alone save humanity. We are born selfish, moralistic and are quick to anger and judgement of others. 

At this camp, Christ said to me, "Come as you are. And I mean it. As. you. are." 

And knowing how He has treated me, how He loves with an everlasting love, this means that I, too, am equipped with the same love He has shown me. 

"But even though my condition tempted you to reject me, you did not despise me or turn me away. No, you took me in and cared for me as though I were an angel from God or even Christ Jesus himself." (Galatians 4:14)

Come to the Father

Though your gift is small

Broken hearts, broken lives, 

He will take them all 

The power of the Word

The power of His blood

Everything was done, so you would come

Falling face down was the smartest decision I've ever made at church camp. 

'God is most glorified when I am most satisfied in Him.'

My remainder

I love how faithfulness is akin to a solid rock.
Unshakable, unmovable, even as white horses charge at them, they remain.

I was looking through a friend's Instagram account and my god, how he has grown.
I was psyched (though very awkward) when I saw him at the OCS Commissioning Parade yesterday.
The nine months of hell are etched all over his face. From a boy to a man. It's absolutely bonkers.
It just hit me how much I miss this guy.
And I really miss my polytechnic friends.
Some days I think to myself, how could one mistake like that fuck everything up?
From September through to March, I was constantly asking myself the same old question: how am I going to let it all go?
But I had to, because nobody said a word. Not a single word.
It was the silence that hurt the most.
The only words I remember are, "Li Ling, it has been so painful working with you. I really hope that whoever you work with in the future never has to go through what I had to."
It was a feverish Monday afternoon and I had all the time to study for the Law paper but no time to tell you I needed your friendship, your trust and your understanding the most.
I was terrified. I can't forget the panic.

It was in the way I looked at you and looked away again, because there was nothing I could say if you wouldn't confront the reality of the situation with me.
Even as I write this, I'm painfully aware of the fact that I probably sound pathetic. But bear with me, because this has been the greatest letdown I had to ever make anyone go through.
And I must say, it wasn't easy to bear the brunt of my wrongdoing either.

Two years after and I'm not hurting anymore, but I remember those three months, from the build up to the climax and how it all flopped back down to silence - all as clear as day.
Silence is a whip, and it is harsh as hell.
So when I saw A yesterday, I was disappointed in the awkwardness between us. But it was MY own awkwardness; I could feel it in my fingertips. I felt myself freeze. I hadn't seen him for ages and once, he was one of two faces I wanted to see the most at school.
Even when I was rushing my work and he needed help and I snapped at him over the phone.
I tried to find a reason why. I told S and G that it must've been because he got mad at me before. Mad and condescending, and above all, irritated. And when someone gets like that towards me, I can't function. I was so confused throughout it all, and even amazed at how could a single thought manifest into hostility.

But when I saw him yesterday, nothing mattered.
It wouldn't be the same for you though.
The blow was way worse, but I wish you the best wherever you are in the world, and whatever you're doing to make your life count.

A person can only have so much pride and today, I never thought I'd be letting it go.
When some friendships are lost, they are lost forever.
But there will always be those who remain like rocks.
Faithful.
Unshakable, unmovable; they remain.

This is my remainder, and I believe whatever has been lost will be restored.

Comfort zone

"The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the Word of our God endures forever." 

Isaiah 40:8 (NIV)

Before I wrote this, I scrolled through the blog and read my previous posts. There was very little reason to be that upset. Georgie said it was probably because I was missing home, but I'm certain it was a little more than that. When I'm left alone, I start entertaining thoughts that fail to lift me up. I find myself spiralling down into constant worrying about the future, a sort of restlessness that only God can still. I knew that, but I never believed it, because I never ran to the Bible for help. Over church camp, I realised how much I trusted my church friends in Singapore even though I'm not actually close to them. I don't spend much time with them on weekdays, and I wouldn't go out of my way to. But now that I'm maturing in faith, maybe I should. The camp theme was "Looking Beyond Our Comfort Zone". As I'm journalling these thoughts down, I find God revealing what my comfort zone throughout these three years has been - when I intentionally remain elusive and distant from my church friends. And when that happens, I cannot grow to love the family of Christ as much. I cannot grow to trust them with who I am, especially when I constantly harp on thoughts like "They make me feel awkward" or "I don't think they'd understand." These claims in my head created a barrier that eventually became hard for me to break down on my own. 

The two pictures above were taken at the Heath, where I lay down with church friends from Ascot in the sun, listening to John Mayer and Sara Bareilles. That felt perfect. It's strange coming back to BRMC in Singapore, because I've never truly felt at home here. But this summer, I want to create a new story. I want to be present, and I want to experience what stepping out of my comfort zone can truly do for me. I have to accept the fact that sometimes, genuine conversations are kickstarted by small talk - and that small talk isn't harmful as long as I take the time after to get to know whoever I'm exchanging the conversation with more, and with sincerity. I think it's time to embrace the idea of what a community means alongside the distinction of what a society is. Christ calls us to die to ourselves. Not in the literal sense, but it's more of knowing when we should stop feeding our egos or wallowing in our comfort zones and to get out there while abandoning ourselves to His love and His will for us, to immerse ourselves in what He's concerned about aka this world. I think it's great that Christianity doesn't justify evil - which is why the Gospel is always about love, because God is love (1 John 4:8). I also believe that I need to start seeing God as the God of reconciliation and sustainer of all our earthly relationships. The speaker at "Is A Belief In Jesus Rational?" reminded us that God is first and foremost a Father before His identity as Creator, just like the way a child recognises her father before his status as CEO of Company Blah. 

Presenting the Brolly Brigade! Made out of myself, Tegan, Abi and Nikki. This has no link whatsoever to my post, it just shows that I have friends. I HAVE FRIENDS, YA HEAR?!

Belle felt like home to me at church camp this year. Bullied me throughout the entire course of it, as usual.

Finally, I blog so much about Christianity because I've personally found "this Jesus guy" to be the radical cure. My time and involvement at Royal Holloway's CU has not only let me make friendships that I will forever cherish, but it has equipped me with more answers and even more questions about my faith. Having more questions isn't a bad thing. In fact, it really drives me to persevere in seeking out the answers. It also teaches me what resting in God's love means, knowing that God's timing is perfect anyway. I write because I love writing, but I also write on this very page to pace myself and to document moments in my life where I've either been terribly upset or encouraged and thankful. In the end, I want this blog to document my growth as a Christian, a writer and a person. This is something I wrote in my notebook this morning and I'd like to share it on here: 

"To take up my cross daily."

I work tirelessly at guarding myself against envy. But even as I scrolled through Facebook profiles of people who have made a name for themselves in the creative cum poetry scene, I found myself clicking on my own and asking, "Will I ever be this successful?" A question that scares me even more is the tempting possibility of giving into self-publishing. Now that I've joined Word Forward for the summer, I see myself gazing through this window of opportunity - that I may actually be able to publish my poetry collection with them! All these thoughts come with the opinion that publishing a book = success. That was when I figured I should probably come before God with this on my mind. So I sat down to write in my handy dandy notebook. I'm nervous about starting my job at Word Forward tomorrow. There is a self-deprecating part of me (some people deem this as crippling self-esteem) that finds my stunted vocabulary growth an utter disgrace. But I'm beginning to see that God has given me this summer job for a reason. Even Savinder, the director of Word Forward, said that I called her at just the right time, and she believes that "the universe is showing [her] signs, and when it does, [she] simply accept(s) it." The little bird on my shoulder is telling me that even before brushing up on my vocabulary, before churning out more poetry and before publishing a set of poems, the reason I was put in this place is because of what God has called me to achieve in contribution to His kingdom - and I don't mean this in a prideful way. I mean to say that my dream to be made into a missionary worker to teach both kids and adults of God's love through both spoken/written word and drama must be put first. I'm saying in all things that I do, I have to put God first - which is why taking up our cross daily/discerning and being aware of potential distractions are such tough yet essential things we have to do as followers of Christ. I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to have my own book published, but I'm guarding myself at simply stopping there. I want to make this life count. Because what God deems as success is different from what the world deems it is, and this I want to stand by for the rest of this season and for all the days of my life.

--

I need to revamp this space over the summer, and to put in more effort into creating a poetry blog as well. Also, Dad's back with a fat packet of chicken rice for lunch. Cheerio!

Lately, all this fantasizing has been hurting my brain and I want it to stop.
We choose secret idols to obsess over, to share conversations with. In my head I'm next to you, looking at the stars and telling you, "Don't point at the moon, you'll find a cut behind your earlobe in the morning" - shit like that.
I want to cast down these reveries, but I find it incredibly hard to face reality/unnecessary situations I've recklessly nosedived into.
The worst thing is the way I abandon my heart - I do it without blinking. I thought I was cautious, I thought the verse "Guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life" was a permanent post-it that got stuck to my brain... and now I don't know where that yellow piece of paper went.

Today was my last day at Ascot Life and I didn't feel anything.
It was great, but I struggled to yield my heart to Him.
I prayed, and I was sad. I sang, and I was still sad.
Normally, singing does the trick, so now I'm starting to be afraid of the fact that you might stick with me for a long, long time.
I am terrified. If I were a pug, I'd be whining and straining the shit out of my voice box. This pug doesn't even want to eat.
Dave saw a picture in his mind's eye and shared it today: We are standing at the front door of our homes greeting Jesus, saying, "Welcome" but we don't let him come in to sit and eat and talk with us; we reject his company.

I don't feel welcome when I think of you, nah uh.
Not a single bit at all.

I'm going to try to sleep on the deck tonight,
I need a new perspective on things, a new change in environment
I wonder if I should just go to London for two nights and then back again

Nikki: "How do you feel after you write Liling? Do you feel calmer?"
"Not necessarily. I just-"
"You just bleed."
"Yeah."

I know what rants are, and I am not ranting.
I'm grumbling for no reason, even when the Bible tells me it's not good to do it, I know it's for my own good but who am I kidding - I don't even listen to my own mother
I hope to set aside a huge bulk of time to think things through
Instead of being "touch and go" with all these thoughts
I want to live the fantasy, I want to get lost and from there, start over
I can do that in this country, and I will do it because I can.

I am lonely but I don't think I need anymore company,
I just want to find a place that feels like home and
The space all around me is just too positive that the space in my head has become -ve x 100000000000
Do I have to move around all the time, because I haven't found anything in anyone
And certainly not myself, oh no no
So London town here I come

I miss my guitar

Leave me alone for a few days and I become lonesome. I feel pathetic. I wish I had a proper sibling. I'm fascinated by relationships between brother and sister, shared between those who hate each other and those who don't. I want to fight too. I feel like I've never learnt how to argue properly. Today I was wondering, that perhaps that's why I tend to seek out that particular someone to love; finding a lover compensates the loneliness I've always had as a child.

I'm such a loner that it scares me. Shawn says once you get used to it, it will be alright. I have lots of friends around, but I'm beginning to see how I use the time to escape from myself. There is something about you that makes me confront myself. Not that you're special, but you are, and I don't like it. There is something invasive about you, but I don't want you to leave. This isn't even me trying to be romantic, I just can't figure out all this conflict within this dumb little head of mine.

I teeter on the edge of losing control. Interpol makes me want to cry, but Interpol resonates with me so much more than any other band's music, so I want to wallow in these sad story worlds, in these sad songs. - Do I make sense? /Tonight I'm gonna rest my chemistry, tonight I'm gonna rest my chemistry. Is something fizzling out, because if it is then well, hello.

Leave me alone for a few days and I become lonesome. Have I told you that I feel pathetic.

俐玲/ Li Ling

I
My name (Li) means:
Bright, witty and full of life
Strong, and of the fiercest sun

II
My name ( Ling) means:
The tinkling of jade pendants,
Talkative; chatty little princess

III
I live my life in two parts
When I first met you
And when I last saw him

IV
I am my father's beloved
I am my father's favourite girl
He remembers the 30th of November

V
The children here grow up with
Western beliefs,
Knowing they will grow up to be
Heard

VI
Young children should not be heard,
Only seen -
But even my weight is an eyesore

VII
Christianity is not a Western belief:
I am my Father's beloved
He remembers all my brothers' birthdays

VIII
"Ling" is not a name you are entitled
To simply call out
It reverberates throughout my entire being-
You do not.

IX
I want to name my boy Israel
So he may wrestle with God
And live free
Even while struggling

X
My name (Li) (Ling) means:
Because I know my identity,
You cannot take it away from me