Come wake me from my sleep

FATHER, MAKE US ONE - JUNE FAMILY CAMP 2013

"I get tired of people."

I ascribe my tendency to slip away from friends to this simple truth D shared with me as we spoke in our hotel room at camp. That no matter the introvert/extrovert we may seem, we long to have our own space and time alone to rest. And when I say I tire, I often find that I must get away from people soon enough before I become subtly then finally, entirely annoyed with their mindsets and personalities. But I realised that it is also due to a lack of discipline, when I don't submit the thought before God the moment it enters my head. That when we say we love our friend, loving them doesn't just happen without our effort and in my terms, a whole lot of prayer.

This year I went to camp with an expectation to rest in the Lord's presence. I am still blown away by how God gave me the privilege to lie on 'quiet, green pastures' and to let Him free me from the cares and worries of our world. I think the speaker put it beautifully - that it was a 'divine appointment', set aside by God in this age of self-indulgence and rushing, acknowledging that His people hunger for Him and Him being God, who honors His people's commitments, met us there once again.

This time it wasn't in the desert. I felt like we were gathering as a people to drink from the fountain of living water.
I spoke to the bassist in our worship band today and he commented, "I heard camp was very Spirit-led." I wanted to say Yes a hundred times to that.

One particular experience that touched me was during one afternoon at camp, when I arrived at the workshop venue earlier than I was supposed to. The few members of the Chinese congregation were gathered there and because they had no guitarist, they sang to a soundtrack playing from the worship leader's phone. The members are roughly 60 to 70 years old, and when they lifted their hands up to worship, I couldn't help but feel tears streaming down my cheeks - and I wasn't afraid to let that happen. And the prayer of my heart was: Lord, I want my parents to know You, to worship You the way these elderly men and women do. Because seeing them raise their hands in surrender made all the difference. That there was no barrier, neither in language nor in the spiritual context; NOTHING could stand in their way as long as they wanted to worship Him with all their might and all their strength. The Spirit of God moved so strongly and I cherish that moment so much because they sought Him and He fell AFRESH upon them. And that scene right there made me think about Pa and Ma and how mere happiness and satisfaction by worldly standards cannot compare to the joy these men and women found in Jesus Christ. And you know what the beautiful thing is? That no matter how late in life they got to know Jesus, and no matter how much/little they worked in the vineyard, they are still entitled to receive that denarius that the vineyard owner promised - that they will receive equally and in full what the Lord has promised them.
I can't even describe how beautiful the name of Jesus sounds when either said, sung or declared in Chinese/Hokkien. Mm I really appreciated the fact that our worship team made the effort to include Chinese lyrics during our worship sessions throughout camp. I know most of the youths and the English congregation probably didn't understand nor could they make out the words, but having knowledge of what they meant blessed me greatly. To have two meanings of the same song, to sing as One church, with One voice.

God addressed every burden and every burning question I had at camp. He heard the cry of my heart and ministered to what I was sensitive + defensive about in the gentlest way ever.
I used to be envious of those whom God had revealed visions to - but I was reminded that when I stop looking for the spectacular and look to Him, why should I even doubt that His love is enough for me, EVEN when He doesn't speak to me in visions? Because it is.
And when He met me, when He showed me things behind these eyelids, how my Spirit soared. HOW IT SOARED.

That when I asked the
/Spirit of the Living God, come fall afresh on me,
come WAKE ME from my SLEEP,
BLOW THROUGH the CAVERNS OF MY SOUL,
pour in me to OVERFLOW,/

the words "I know where it hurts" appeared in my mind and I just broke down in His Presence. I was like flowing egg yolk. (Funny analogy but pretty apt.)
And when others say it is probably my own thoughts, that I'm making it up in my mind, I say to you with all my faith that the Lord HAS THE POWER to cause a deformed arm to REGROW AGAIN and to cause FLAMES OF FAITH to SHOOT OFF THE TOP OF ROOFS without causing the building to burn.
Right there, in the ballroom, we prayed against the spirit of cynicism and the spirit of envy and how He moved. Just, HOW HE MOVED. HOW HE HEALED. HOW GENTLY HE SPOKE. HOW THE HEARTS OF HIS PEOPLE MOURNED AND DECLARED THAT WITHOUT HIM THEY WERE FRAIL. YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN HOW THEY ROARED FOR THEIR YAHWEH.
What the Spirit has showed me and revealed to me is between Him and I and will only share with friends and family whom I sense will be edified by the testimony - but really, these glimpses of the God who has kept His covenant since the days of Abraham and Moses have WON MY HEART AND ERASED MY DOUBT.
I have a voracious hunger to understand the Word even more. I don't want it to burn out.
I want my works, my poetry, to speak of His praises. I don't want the people around me to praise my vocals, but to tell me how God used me in worship and how they were blessed by it. Don't get me wrong though, I am very grateful when people appreciate my voice but I want so much to be recognised as a woman after God's heart. I want so much to overflow for His glory, and not by my strength but by His grace alone.

Even after typing all this, I am reminded of the fact that Christians often sound presumptuous and perhaps come across as if they are of greater importance and on a higher spiritual plane than others.
I want to tell you that no, they are not entitled to being that way.
Even if you are a non-Christian friend of mine and you are reading this, I want you to teach me, to call me out when I am doing things that are wrong or things that hurt you - as long as you tell me, I will do all I can to make amendments even if I can't solve the situation entirely. Do you know what I am saying? That I will learn not just from Christ or my church friends - I will learn from everybody who is willing to teach me because that blesses me GREATLY. Because if I am to be crushed to produce the best oil - then by all means, teach me and discipline me, but with love.
I hope that all my non-Christian friends will be gracious with me.
Goodnight!

Cheesy time

This is a simple post. Simple could also mean "act cute". I'm disgusting, I know. But I mean everything I type here.

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Yesterday I was with Ken's mama for awhile at Uniqlo and we had a very indepth talk. She also invited me over for dinner. We had yummy spring chicken and satay and all the Wongs were at home with their hamsters! It was one of the happiest days of my life. Ken and I went to a funfair in the early afternoon and he was really patient and I sensed that he was truly enjoying his time with me, even if funfairs are really not his thing. He even waited for me to finish doing henna and getting beads in my hair! Thank you.
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Today I took the bus with God. When the words "Learn to find rest in the Lord" popped into my head, I got goosebumps. It was a physical reminder that you will be with me to get through September. I can't wait for camp, because I expect You to be there; I want to encounter You again. I can't wait to experience life and to honour You with almost every moment, because Your presence is amazing.

Today I had the yummiest instant noodles I have ever eaten since forever.

Today your phone call made me so happy.

Today I did pretty good at work!

Today Kelly is coming over to make Irish potato soup and nachos.

Today I stayed up till 1 in the morning talking with my cousin who just came home last night. We spoke about the family, my mum, her mum - and Popo was just lying there, at the centre of all the verbal action. It's good to have her back. Also, she took up 3/4 of the bed space, but I survived.

Today I laughed like crap at a photo in the office. My editors laughed along too.

Today the PSI peaked at 111. Or was it 13(plus)? The haze is nuts. Cue "Meanwhile in Switzerland".

Today my mama liked my photo, wished my cousin happy birthday and is now in Bath.

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Tomorrow - MY PARENTS COME BACK!

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Always:
6.24 PM is Cheesy Time.
Cheesy Time = The Lord loves me and looks out for me, always.

My Favourite Biscuits List

1. Julie's Peanut Butter Crackers
2. Sugar Crackers
3. Gem Biscuits
4. Animal Crackers
5. Teddy Biscuits (not chocolate)

(TBC)

失望

我记得小时候，一直相信所有爱护我的人都不会轻易离开。我以为我能不操心，不用为感情或友谊之类的去挣扎。长大后，渐渐成熟了，我还是无法相信人会变／选择离开 － 因为我从来没怀疑过任何人；因为忠诚的性质是永远不变，永远忠实的。

我觉得很失望。

2046

Dearest darling,
If we're not lovers anymore, can I be your filmmaking partner?
Perhaps you bring out the artist in me, and I realise that I am starting to appreciate your taste in things and matters that are both trivial and simple-natured because I love you.
If we produce and direct a crime film together, know that I'm doing it out of love.
I sometimes feel like I'm Marina and you are my Ulay, and one day when we leave each other, you will be back for me. Or perhaps I'll be the chaser again, and you may be waiting all the while for me to find you. I will find you.
Do you understand what I'm saying?
I appreciate you.
I adore you.

Love,
m²

Ahem.
So. After watching so many Tony Leung films, I'm starting to realise that my father is almost exactly like the characters Leung plays.
He is of a certain quiet charm (aka a quiet sort of sexy), an entertainer, a thinker and an emotional man when alone.
He read many martial arts novels when he was younger and lived through one of my favourite eras of all time. Talking business was his second language, with alcohol and cigarettes complemented by a manipulative, brilliant mind.
I love how much he loves my mom.
Even though she frequently goes about doing things undecidedly, she can be very careful at many times as well. Perhaps he sees that about her, and understands her subtle humour and that she's a real, faithful life partner.
He knows that she is 'auntie' around certain people, 'proud' among others but always loving when with him; either in my presence or alone.
My parents are such gems. I regret saying I hated my mother.
Our handwriting is almost identical.

Putting the 'can' in Cannes

I. Today marks the day Anthony Chen wins the Camera d'Or prize at the Cannes Film Festival. I am thrilled and bursting with pride this morning. It's not as if I know him, or that I've watched his films before - but winning this gem says a lot about this homegrown director right here: I am proud, because I know he is proud of his country and it resonates in his work! Eek!

It is in the way good filmmaking weaves the most unlikeliest of circumstances to not only address issues that burn and call out for our attention/awareness - but to also remember that at the end of the day, many things boil down to human relationships. That (in reference to Anthony Chen's Ilo Ilo) those who are deemed 'insignificant' and the 'lowest' of social classes have the ability to affect and to even craft our world. That we are all the same and we are connected in so many different ways, even if it seems impossible. And Chen saw that. Many directors and producers see that.

It is, in this way, that makes artists, storytellers, directors and everyone who is obsessed with creating to constantly work towards precision - in both representing and reenacting eras, times and scenarios with a sensitivity that longs to provoke, catalyse and even heal.

II. Storytelling is such an art, and I am still intimidated by it till today. It hasn't been made easier - even though I have supposedly spent two and a half years learning what makes a good story. I am so thankful for internship, because it put me in the centre of learning how to not only write, but how to save. It showed me that I am capable of many skills that others have said I'm not equipped with - heh heh. I still subconsciously nod my head as I remember Boss reminding the production team that the story arc and structure must always remain. Instead of bickering about how the story should flow, I guess the team forgot that it was essentially storytelling that would make the episode work.

III. All this ideating and working with you has helped me to grow closer to you. (Also, I am basically a bum around you.) It makes me see you in a different light and to know that you are so accepting. You are more accepting than half the people I know. I don't see any 'glory' in being the villain and we both know that we are all capable of what they do - and "that's okay." You make working hard look so sexy. Meow. *blush*

IV. Tonight is the first project meeting that my theatrepots and I will be having and hopefully, working on before I fly off. My mind is working like mad and I'm starting to notice I'm getting the crazy eyes. I am so nervous about this, I don't even know why.

V. I end this post with the reminder of the fact that God knew Royal Holloway would be the place for me. It didn't feel right with Kingston, and it has come to my attention that prestige is a factor when it comes to the quality of what I'll be studying, learning and majoring in. To continue doing both Drama and Creative Writing is such an honour. To know that the school has selected incredible books for our textbooks makes me so psyched, that if you looked at me right now, I'd actually take on the physical shape of a lightning bolt. Like, a literal zig zag. MY MIND IS SO ABSORBENT RIGHT NOW BECAUSE I HAVEN'T BEEN THIS EXCITED TO LEARN IN A VERY LONG TIME. Sorry for shouting, but I want to delve DEEP, I want to take that PLUNGE, I want to IMMERSE myself in LITERARY GOODNESS. I am so happy to be human, to be taken care of by You.

It is so apt and so satisfying to be at the centre of Your will. I love You Lord. {^_^}

I miss a certain face, a certain look, a certain gesture and touch.
And I don't want to claim it now.