once again

Dear you,

I am sitting on the wrong chair.
Once you sit with your legs wide open, feeling your ass tripod adjusting on hard wood, that's when you know this chair sucks.

I had a phone conversation tonight with one of my favourite persons of all time.
Comfortable. Think cheese and crackers.
Just the feeling you get when your ass sinks into the softness of your bed.
Okay, maybe that's because I was on the bed.
Still.

I don't think I've lost the romanticism in me.

I thought I gave it all away to you but I was wrong.

I am romantic.

That will never change.

Thank you for making time for me.

Are you being civil?

With all my civil and the best love (I reserved for you),

sab

A bowl in the kitchen

It felt as if I had stood there for ages, holding that bowl, not feeling the tension between my knee caps.
Eating has become tiring.
Why eat anyway. Why live.

On the table sat noodles in a bigger bowl and my thoughts dashed right in there.
Naked people, disturbances, God, cute things, my body, taste, luxury, amethysts falling off my ring in my dreams, j, j, God again, another j, frozen yoghurt, bright lights, voice, p, Satan, work, work work.
Entangled and twisted and they clung onto every strand of sticky noodle I picked up with white, careful chopsticks.

Selection.
Natural selection.
Do you blame it or do you blame the circumstances for making me this way.
No, I choose to blame myself.
Why blame God?
Take your pride and eat it, then vomit it out then swallow it all down again.
Repeat after me.
This is how we humans live.

They ask why be sad. Why wallow in this 'depression', in this 'grave you have dug with your own hands'?
Reality. It's because of reality.
You tell me to be happy in reality.
I can, but my mind is critical - it sees all the bad.

So do you blame the way you were made.
Do you blame God for giving you a mindset like this?
Is God hiding away, hiding so well that you give up?

Tell me what to feel.

hold my heart

dear babe
why'd you gotta go and let me wait this long
leave me wondering when you'll ever come around
if you're upset why don't you tell me
if you feel the same way why don't you hold me
why do you stop there
have you displaced your trust in me
that i will not be loyal or faithful?
or have you read my childlike disposition wrongly
why'd you gotta go and make my jealousy eat at me this way
it devours me
and makes me cry on every bus ride
everywhere i go i carry your heart with me
as i sculpted the cold damp sand with my fingers
i was alone
just for a little while
and i felt at ease, i've always been so alone
but i couldn't ignore the fact that i wish i wasn't this comfortable with being lonely all the time
then i drifted off to thoughts of you
the music the sand the sunset the sound of the waves and all their laughter
wishing you were lying down next to me
seeing what i'm seeing
feeling what i'm feeling
knowing that i'll always want you around me
to be experiencing all this beauty the way i do
the best things for you darling
all the best things that make me happy- i want them to make you happy
and content is all i'll ever be once that happens
even if it's a tiny moment
(my tiny moments with you mean so much to me
i could go on about them for days and days
but incoherence has never been much of a help)
don't watch the fireworks themselves; they are temporary
but keep still and watch how they illuminate the clouds with their colours
every boom every splash of that distinct vibrant red on white vapour canvas
every boom every splash of that sight is what i want to keep for you
i know you don't throw things away easily
but why do you show me that you do
leave me hanging, leave me thinking i'm just another play toy for a boy
yes a boy but you have never been ordinary to me,
you have so much more purpose in my life than the others placed in it
why'd you gotta go and make me feel this way
why'd you gotta go and make me give up then turn around
take one more wrong turn cos it's a long drive back to vegas skies
vegas never held my heart anyway.
so if this makes you happy i will wait all over again
for once i am not relieved that this isn't the end of the world
because that call would've held so much more than an 'accident' and a 'sorry' and a 'bye'

I swear I'll break your face if I ever-
I think I'll hate you like nuts if you ever-

If you ever.

ARGH WHAT KINDA SHITTY FEELINGS ARE THESE
CAN YOU HELP ME ANOT
WORLD END THEN WORLD END LA

CHEEBS.

fk you la

sweet disposition

I walk
I pop the straw in
I suck
slllluuurrrrppppp

Can't believe I'm breathing
Never really knew how to breathe before this, did I?

I have this ability
To let you slip right out of my fingers
A hundred times, over and over
Before I finally want to hold you

I pick so carefully
I picked you
Sure why can't we celebrate a feeling?
Why make it definite?
I watch you
Kick up a whole theoretical fuss
When someone toys with your love

I am Allie
I am screaming at you, Noah
Noah why Noah

So I take a step
Adjust
Pop the wilderness in
I suck my senses dry

Every sweet disposition is inborn

But.

Seriosity is manandwoman-made

And haven't you heard?

Seriosity fucked the cat over

I believe in a quiet world where two people meet.

And nothing can break that.

--
argh thought of the way she touched you
screamed FUCK YOU into my pillow and started crying lika baby:'(

tiny glory

I am discouraged, yes by how circumstances have been screaming in my face, telling me that I’m gonna lose out.

I’ve lost my will to fight.

And life keeps pushing me through its dirt and its tiny glories… but I am left so hungry for so much more.

Just to see my hard work get paid off. Just to see myself where I’ve always seen myself. “Here”.

Bad hair days get to me. As well as the oiliness on my face and the smudged liner that makes me look eight years older and the black circles around my eyes that I am so afraid to let you see.

Tell me I have a glow left. Whether you’re a friend or someone I love.

Not in the tanness of my skin, not in the colour of my hair, not in the red of my rouge but just look into my eyes and watch my entire being from there.

Tell me there’s more to look forward to.

Like a victory or something.