just like that

it scares me when i see the gray and white wall

i wonder if perseverance will get me through this

i i i

i'm sorry

there are still bouts of yknow, stuff

i have to live with them, 

and fight them

i i i

i'm sorry i hope you don't mind

It is a burning faith

March is coming to an end.
Hell is coming to an end, I think.
And surprisingly, what I've learnt as I pulled myself through everyday... is courage.
It is a word that was lost in my vocabulary and foreign to my lips but now I look at it and as I speak it, I can almost touch it.
I can wrap my heart around it.

M messaged me saying that the birthday video I made for her made her cry but above all that it gave her courage.
Hugeass word, courage.
I remember the trees, the light, the way my dress felt and how that one word resounded inside me.
Then I thought about how D was so safe.
I'm so safe.
So in the shower tonight I said thank You because I'm safe.
When I thought I was so lost in the desert, God had been providing me with so much shelter and although I've failed to see it, He was waiting patiently for me all along.
Faithfully.

And I remember how I finished the nightwalk at camp.
I braced myself and walked straight on. I finished it. Alone.
Yet all along I wasn't alone.
I will say this again: it is very sad that we cannot see how amazing we are inside.

"Now I've found, the greatest love of all is mine"

The song I sing is broken, but it is strong.
Like the melody my Jesus sang ever so quietly, ever so perfectly. Humanely.
Patience is not an excuse. Patience has made me tired but beautiful.
And I see how much I must die to myself to be refined.
It does not scare me; it makes me want more because it is so precious.
Do you know how precious it is to be made whole again? Over and over again
His work in me is not complete and I will wait, all my days.

"Your grace has found me just as I am, and I'm nothing but alive in Your hands"

God, although I suck myself dry
Thank You for filling me again
Even if I have so many holes in me
The way Your wine keeps on pouring into me abundantly,
The way You never give up on me -
It heals me. It changes me.
Who else could I live for besides You.
(Courage is a burning faith and mine burns bright tonight)

yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

ARGH INCOMPETENT TTM RRRGRGHEWSAHVAHBJKBQJKan fmfmflmflfmlfmlfmlfmflmflfm :( :(((:(:(((((((

oh dear me

"But it's no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then."
- Alice In Wonderland

I have been forgetful, or trying to be at least.
I almost forgot to eat lunch - well I tried to push that out of my mind for awhile because it could do me some good even if you tell me not to and it's not the right way and you're not fat - whatever.
I have also tried to forget the person I am now, although new on the outside but a decayed carcass within.
But what you should praise me for is the fact that I have been trying to forget people because they've forgotten about me or who I once was or who I will always be.
I can't forget God though, I can't forget how He loves me.

Yet I can't forget how the chemistry between two people can fail so terribly though, I can't forget that no.
Nor the way I stand against the bathroom wall, stripped to the bone and feeling so broken.
Nor the way the reality of so much silence screams all day long in my ears.
I want my life back.
I don't care if it's drastic; sometimes people have to be hedonistic to be happy.
That's what Daren told me. I'll follow it. Cos it's the truth and I hope it sets me free.

we broke a bird's heart

The afternoon light burns the white concrete tiles and both my eyes.
I am watching a dying insect with a broken body and only a wing left fighting to pick itself up over and over again on a serving platter with a printed spanish bull. I don't know whether to admire its perseverance or not.
At last, it curls up and lays there, just a few centimetres away from a dead fly and a crumpled mosquito.
I wonder what it saw before it died. I wonder what it thought about.
Oh but it has me tricked, as all the successful people in the world have had me tricked because it moves again, ambitiously trying to force its way out of the cursed U shape its body has been bent into.
Death hovers over the serving plate and the printed spanish bull throws me a hard stare with a strange but harsh defensiveness, as if telling me to mind my own business or his horns will pierce my eyes.
Death has touched everything with its black fingers. Nothing can escape it.
Not even the dream I had as I awoke this morning.
I witnessed its death and when you witness things like that, you have to be alone.
Like the way you witness your own death in time to come. You have to be alone. (Nothing can escape it)
So I made another one and heard what I had wanted to hear.
Yet I awoke again in the afternoon feeling like I was about to break because it wouldn't leave my mind.
I've been turning to the superficial things for help but to no avail.
It really is of no surprise that my father's cigarette box is empty.
Although probably a sign from God that I will die if I get what I want, I do not need signs right now. Because I am proud, yes. Because I need instant relief from this agony, yes.
And all I can do and should do is wait. Then things will arrange themselves and make me whole again, right?
Or Wrong?

Like decisions.
Vicious decisions that could go both ways.
I wrote this 34 days ago. I was being more hard on myself than comtemplative:
"When he looks at you, he should look at you as if he wants you. And not in the way that he wants to sweep you off your feet kind of 'want'. He should need you just as much as you need him. Or maybe more. Want you more than you want him. Fall deeper than you fall for him. That is all. Then you know he's the one. It's in the eyes."
I wish I didn't have eyes.
"Absence does not make the heart grow fonder. So fond it eats me whole. This is a disease that has grown in me, that has caused my lungs to collapse and my eyes to close before the night comes. But I will not fight it. It is reality. It is an authority. Anyone who fights against reality loses, anyone who goes against authority fails far more miserably than he should. Call me a pessimist but You don't understand - it is a decision I have to make."
Vicious, I stand corrected.
"I never had to make any when you were around. I am dependent on you."
My downfall.

A hummingbird flutters about, searching for quiet corners to build its new home in. Does it not know that its home will be destroyed? People in this house are not known to have mercy. Not even me.
Like the way two blue eggs were stolen from a nest and put in the container with the quails' this new year. That surely broke a bird's heart.
The afternoon light continues burning the grass patches mercilessly and rubbing their heat in the vines until they turn yellow.
Like how that one kiss burned and had me half opening my eyes, teetering on the edge of reality and fantasy. Why did I open my eyes?
How foolish it was of me to think I could have brought that into reality.
What stays in dreams, stays in dreams.
And what stays here, well, shatters our hopes and weighs.us.down.
Yet the subconscious mind does not lie.
That is what kills me.

Ain't a bad decision if you can purge it all out

I watch you and wish how I could be like you.
A free spirit.

We should only allow ourselves to bear what we can bear -
especially consequences.
They are never friendly.

Yet overprotection means never having lived the life you were supposed to.
It is so hard making decisions and rules you swore you'd abide to.
These rules keep you safe, keep you happy.
Then again, risk takers never learn do they.

depression (?!)

(we move along with some new passion knowing everything is fine)