mess

Something happens the moment after you have sex.

There may not be regret, but your body becomes vulnerable in a metaphorical sense: your body charts out how another body has made you feel; the pleasure that comes with it, and the feeling of someone else inside you. Your body remembers.
I won't go on to say that it penetrates your soul - I'd say that only happens when you allow someone into your emotional space - but it is etched in your memory, both mentally and physically.
And memory is a cruel thing.
This is the kind of post you either agree with and continue reading, or continue anyway but close this tab with a bad taste in your mouth, especially because it may very well be written from a Christian point of view. I'm telling you that it is. 

"Your virginity is not a gift to the world."

But what this sentence does not tell you is that it still has value. Subconsciously, this sentence has lent me a rashness that I was already entertaining. 

I don't think of myself as a gift. I think of myself as a woman with high value, and high standards. Because that's what I deserve. 

Abi reminded me of this one line the other day: We accept the love we think we deserve. 

Your virginity can be considered a moment in life - a very valuable, precious one - but when the moment has passed, what is left to live for?
With all this talk about losing one's virginity... I think it's important to look at the big picture. 

Are you of lesser value in God's eyes after the moment passes? The answer is No. The obvious, most beautiful answer will always be No. Because God's redemption is perfect, and all encompassing. 

Does this affect the relationship you have with your future spouse? It might. Because your body remembers. Remind yourself about the type of relationship you ultimately want to share with him/her - and let's not talk about marriage first, but what commitment means.

What does it mean to stick it out with someone, through thick or thin?

It means that Love withstands long suffering or temptation. And we need to understand why Love is like this. To a certain extent, there is a sense of self-preservation. 

But it is not just for the self. From the self, we reach out to others. In other words, we affect them. There is a responsibility when commitment comes into play - if I am committed to reaching out to you, I know what I'm going to say/do will affect you. In the context of marriage, it will affect you forever. 

Because my body remembers how another has made me feel, I've been actively trying to forget how that felt... to make space for you.
Can our bodies ever forget a physical feeling? Why chase orgasm after orgasm if it leaves you feeling empty afterwards? I don't know about you, but I definitely don't live for just that. 

And with marriage comes commitment, forgiveness, and the the daily privilege of discovering/rediscovering things about your spouse whether done on an emotional, sexual or mental level. 

And the best part of it will be the fact that God is in the centre of that marriage. 

Because only with Him, can you dream big things together for His kingdom and righteousness - by doing so, we become most satisfied when He is most glorified. 

I'm not saying that you should go and actively lose your virginity. I'm saying that God's Spirit is strong enough to transform your past, and He is able to lift you up again on His wings. You will run; you will not faint or grow weary because of His great Love. 

His Love is greater than any rash moment - but you can work towards not letting that happen ever again. A fruit of the Spirit is self-control, and we need patience to watch it grow in our lives. 

The past matters - but not to the extent that it destroys the future. 

I have learnt this one thing: The heart is so deep. It is so, so deep, and so, so vulnerable. When the Bible says to "guard your heart", it is not in there for fun. To think about the amount you've invested in someone, only to realise it was a lie, is what hurts the most. To give that person a valuable moment of this one life, only to have him up and leave in the most uncourteous way is not what one deserves.

But I believe that God's redemption encompasses all aspects of our lives. We are not damaged goods. We are adopted as daughters and sons of the Lover of souls. And with Him, we have a choice to love Him back - but He doesn't stop loving us either way.

Through mess, I've learnt to enjoy the power of forgiveness. Both His and my own. 

Trusting like Tereza

The worst is over.

The sun is out and all the British are talking about it. The Singaporean in me just goes, "Tch, so what if there's sun? We get it all the time." Yeah. I'm trying to appreciate it. By not perspiring. Perspiring = unglam.
I've been reading The Unbearable Lightness of Being.
It's probably one of the most expositional books I've ever read, though you can't help but nod along as you flip page after page - Milan Kundera possesses an exceptional understanding of a woman's innermost desires, wants and needs. (Bet he's slept with loads of women before. Cheeky cheeky)
Throughout the book, it becomes evident why he chooses to include the intricate back stories of each character; through their histories, he shows how they influence each other in the bedroom, at home and in the workplace. Though sometimes it seems as if he has just rephrased his notes, done a little mind mapping here and there, linked several stories together and tadaaa - it's a book.
I've been asking myself if I'm more of a Tereza or a Sabina, and I'm probably a bit of both, though the way I approach love is very much like Tereza.
One thing that stands out to me about Tereza is her naivete, and how her way of keeping a man, or rather, making sure that their empire of love does not crumble, is sustained through her fidelity and faithfulness to him.
Sabina, on the other hand, is attracted to betrayal. And this is what makes Tereza a wife, and Sabina a mistress, whom men keep going back to.
The way Tereza copes with her jealousy is literally unbearable. I have to read the sentences several times, take a breather, then come back again. I know it's dramatic - but these feelings happen to most, or if not, all women. Tereza is blinded by love and is overwhelmed as she strives to live for Tomas, but 'sees' again after having sex with a random engineer dude she met at the pub. I love that this happened to her.
I'm a strong believer in learning from experiences - whether good or bad, whether they seem like a complete and pathetic joke to others.

Okay, just to put it out there - I am not trying to write a book review.
But this book is an experience in itself.

Recently, I've been asking myself what I want.
I've been trying to face made-up scenarios in my head, thinking through on how I'd react and some of the things I'd say.
There are speeches and mere one-word replies.
There is projected future sobbing, that one-tear-trickle, and if I'm lucky, explosions of laughter.
Then I look at the ceiling and wonder to myself, What do I really want? What's the problem?
The problem is doubt. It is not uncertainty of circumstances that gets me - I ride on it.
I'm sure you can agree that when you find a tear in either the trust you have in yourself or the trust you have in someone else, everything spins out of control. My mind has been spinning.
But to give power to doubt... it has drained me in an almost unexplainable way.
It borders on obsession, and with obsession comes distraction.

So this time round, I'm actually thankful that I'm excited about writing this play.
Tomorrow has its own fair share of worries, but the day isn't over yet. So I'll leave worry till tomorrow, till the next day, till the next week and till when I won't ever have to worry again.
I will learn to rise above my circumstances and to be far-sighted.

I also believe that the ones who get hurt through trusting are the ones who know what pure love is. It doesn't have to be romantic. It is naive. But I'd rather approach life this way, because that's how I live. I know that my personality remains as the type that can rise up to coping with that (future) hurt.
After all, it helps me to write better poetry :)

snails

I just got back from Paris yesterday, and I've been out in the garden snail hunting with some little girls aged four to nine today! This post features snails, us in Paris, pictures from snail hunting this afternoon and other thoughts.

It's the Easter holidays now, and to have spent it in Paris with my bunch of friends from church back home tops it all for me (well, for the time being, since I've also got a play to write and a poetry collection to thread together by the end of April).
It's been the funniest, fattest, most eventful weekend ever and I still can't wrap my head round it all.
Meeting someone new was supposed to be the highlight of March, and I'm not saying it isn't, but friendships seem to have been proving themselves and building me up even more throughout the entire month.
We ate way too much in Paris. (My face is the roundest it's ever been. I'm a human ball.)
Paris was gorgeous, but the company was even better. This weekend in Paris shed light on the type of friends I want to grow up with, want to spend more time with, want to pray and laugh over silly shit with. We'd sit around after dinner just laughing over cheese and wine. Tired, but feeling so thankful and so blessed.
Maybe that's what I like about them - we verbalise what we feel, we declare and thank God where appropriate, and we spoke about problems within our cell group and the church in general.
It didn't feel like church camp, which was surprisingly different even as the days led up to Easter morning, though making time to find a church where we could attend an English-speaking Easter service made all the difference.

What David said really resonates with me: "Each of us approaches God on our terms."
That's true isn't it? Why do we force people to come to God when they aren't ready? Then again, the potential danger lies in not being able to come to God with our fears and joys at all. But with this bunch... it wasn't the case.
I've always hated having to be accountable to someone. And now, Kristen and I have decided to be each other's accountability partners. Because she was gentle in the way she asked me questions to provoke more thought and reflection in regards to my spiritual life, but she was also firm about it.
We want to cut out what does not bring value to our lives. We want to realign many things to God's will, because mistakes have been made. And they were necessary, but they also hurt us in return.
I've been reflecting on the fact that when God tells us to obey, it's always for a greater reason.
Especially when it comes to relationships. I focus so much on the lover side of me until I forget that I was always me, myself and I to start with. And sometimes I fail to be honest with myself, to face what I really want. When I settle for less, I don't even know it, until something happens along the way.

It's not so much of a trust issue; it's knowing what you want.

But what God wants for us is even better, and even though I'm personally not in the greatest place in my spiritual walk right now, my heart can't help but admit that the answer is Yes.
I remember when someone said, "God meets us in our character." I guess the next thing to deal with is knowing my character does not intimidate God, and that if I really want Him to come and change my heart, I only have to ask in surrender, and He will see the deed through in His own time.

But I am so impatient.
BUT, there are only so many 'but's I can write and say in a day. And Kristen knows that I don't need any of those, and neither does she. Accountability partnership 101 is going to be the start of a long and arduous journey... but we want to get there in the end.
We can't live in the Shire forever.

I couldn't ask for more. Our accommodation was expensive - but it was worth it. There was something about living in someone's actual home (they went away for the weekend) that was interesting. We started living like them. I thought we'd utilise their stereo system, so we sat and listened to some of their CDs from the amazing music range they had on the shelves. We had begun to familiarise ourselves with where we placed things in the house; things which weren't ours and things that were. Things that told us something about the family, and things that told us something about our own lives and how we live back home. How and where things were placed. How colours and lighting affected our moods. How loud we'd speak in the morning and how much noise we could make (I laughed way too loud). The kind of people through the books they kept: Kate was some sort of hippie and very learned in whatever she does / their son loves manga, and reads good manga. 

It was an amazing experience ......even though five of us were terrified of this little porcelain figurine in the shower. (John didn't understand what there was to be afraid about. David jokingly blamed the supposed spirit for taking his iPhone 4 cable. Yung made me stand outside the bathroom to wait for him to finish brushing his teeth. I said it wasn't scary. Then when I had to shower... I was terrified. Kristen and Michelle felt like they were being watched. I don't know what Lime felt but yeah, he was scared.) 

On the last day, I told Kristen that I couldn't stay in Paris for long. To me, the streets stretched on and on, as if they had no end. It wasn't the walking, but more of the fact that I couldn't see an end destination. According to Kristen, the buildings are six storeys tall, and the pavements aren't very wide, so I felt like I was walled in on either side. 

But I'll never forget what Paris looked like in the sun. 

And this is this afternoon's snail hunting with kiddos: 

I was standing outside enjoying the "fresh air" when three of them came up to the front door, asking if we were the kind of people who would "come out with knives". 

I told them we weren't bad people, and they started showing me the snails they collected in a food bucket.

Pa called halfway to FaceTime, and after I hung up, one of them knocked again to show me that a Mummy and Daddy snail had made a mini one. They made three babies soon after.

I thought this was a pretty rare moment for anyone living on the Green, so I started taking pictures (being very careful not to get snapshots of their faces) as they showed me where to get snails - all from the mud in a row of weeds growing beside our house. 

When J was here, we walked past them and saw that they had built their own play dens amongst twigs by the shortcut leading up to where I live. But they'd get thrashed every now and then by the boys who'd stand around smoking weed and throwing condoms all over the road. 

We sneakily plucked bluebells from the neighbour's garden and sprinkled them all over in the bucket. Apparently the snails ate them up half an hour later. One of the girls said it was "healthy" for them. 

And as we sat outside the front door munching on some leftover cookies I found, we had little conversations here and there that made me pick up on how kids made sense of addiction, how things people say or do make them feel, how they respond and react, and how they simply... play. 

Me: "Smoking's really bad." 

"My uncle and auntie do it all the time. My mummy smokes every one hour." 

Me: "What would your mum say if you showed her your bucket?"

"She'd go Ughhhh!"

Me: "Remember to wash your hands after you touch the mud! You guys aren't snails!"

"No, we're SNAIL HUNTERS!"

Crystal: "Eva, can I borrow your bike please?"

*Eva shakes her head*

Me: "Oh let her on for a bit. Five minutes?"

*Eva smiles and ignores me. Crystal looks at her for awhile and goes back to playing with the snails.*

"These two are making babies!"

"They haven't gotten off each other since!"

Me: "What... That's crazy... they've had six babies already!"

"Seven!!!"

"Oh please don't have a baby on me..."

"Do you water your flowers?"

Me: "No, we don't. We should though."

"Let me go get some water. We water all our flowers in our garden." 

"What's your name?" 

Me: "Liling." 

"Leeee ling."

I also showed them a little whale I painted on the piece of card which had mine, Georgie's, Abi's and Tegan's names on it. They told me I was quite the artist, but most importantly, that the whale didn't need fins. 

"You can't see them, because they're underwater!" 

That line struck something in me. Then Abi got home halfway, and stood watching them for awhile with me.

"Can you drive?"

Me: "Nope."

"So who in your house can drive?"

Me: "Georgie and Abi."

"So it's just you and Tegan who can't then?"

Me: "Yup." 

"What does Georgie look like?" 

--

I touched snails once. I'd collect water snails that lived in our pond with the little drain fish. Today I looked at the little girls touching and picking the the snails up with mud in their fingernails, and a cookie in the other... and I wanted my childhood days back. But I didn't touch the snails in the end, even though I told the girls to notice how gentle they are. I never used to care about bacteria. So I told them to come back tomorrow to update me on how many more babies Mummy Snail and Daddy Snail had made in total. 

I guess I'm afraid of getting my hands dirty. I shouldn't be. 

This house

A part of me is unable to reconcile the things that people do.

It has left an imprint on me, in a deeper way than I’ve ever known.

It was a process that began with a subtle start, and even after all this searching, there has been no finish.

I rebuke depression. I rebuke it, because it is not welcome in our lives. Not in this house.

I don’t suffer from it, but what it has done in the lives of others has affected me in a very painful way.

So I look to places like the Internet to accompany me when I’m all alone in this four-person house.

When Abi's away for the weekend. Even after having friends over... I know it's different. Their presence is not permanent. 

I have no idea when this phase will end, or when this suffering will be taken away.

I only ask that you be strong for me, even as I have been weak in front of you.

I only ask that our friendship will march on in times like these, that you know you will never be too far away from my thoughts.

I only ask, I only ask for this much

And is it too much?

Since I’m not the one with depression?

But this is my voice, and these are my thoughts.

I don’t know.

I just miss my friends and I don’t know where they are.

en kratos

Often, I forget to remember the trees

Are for me. 

All of creation is active; it 

Roars the mighty chorus, singing

"Holy, holy, holy is the Lord!"

Even in the stillness,

I still fail to be still. 

Sit down again with me, Lord

These green pastures are Yours. 

--

"Jesus started a revolution when he said the word 'Abba'. By starting a prayer with the word 'Father', He changed everything." - Jonathan David Helser

There are times when I wonder: what if I got pregnant? How would my father react? I live in a sex-saturated world, and I am often influenced and tempted. But I've been warned, and I don't trust condoms, just saying. 

This is me thinking from the standpoint of an adult. I'm old enough to know what not to do; I'm responsible to myself, my own body and the people around me. 

But when I start thinking of myself as a child in the presence of God, everything changes. The 'what if' fades. To know that he loves me much more than my deepest failures is enough for me. 

This is probably one of the reasons why we, as Christians, can relate to the children of Narnia. They are called to be kings and queens even in their youth and again and again as they return, older, because Aslan's, or in this case, Jesus' reign, is everlasting to everlasting. 

"And that's our position in warfare; to sit with him in heavenly places, and go and breathe on an army that's sleeping and see the sons and daughters wake up." (J.D.H.)

But before this happens, there must be discipline, or a sort of perseverance. Before soldiers go to war, they don't enter without having prepared first.

Without discipline, there is no self-control. The last fruit of the Spirit is self-control, something that jumps out at me every time I read the passage in Galatians. Perhaps it's because I don't see the ability in myself to practice it, and it's also because I'm being self-reliant. But I'm only beginning to see that it's not a virtue or a state I can immediately achieve. It's a fruit. It takes time to grow; it manifests and is produced to reflect His glory. And everything that is projected back onto the Father also comes from Him. Think of ourselves as vessels, but also as people who serve with delight, with joy. This is something I've been struggling with after my baptism: to delight in him. I've gone back to things that are afraid of being exposed by the light, and I'm addressing them now in this reflection. Gotta catch myself, yknow?

From John 15:5-6:

Jesus said "I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. If you do not remain in me, you are like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned." (NIV)

The word 'self-control' or 'egkrateia' [Greek] is derived from two other Greek words— 'en' and 'kratos'. 

'En' means "in" and 'kratos' means "strength" or "power." (www.ucg.org) 

"In power." The rhetorical question that pops into my head next is: Whose power?

Well duh, in God's, of God's. The word 'self' stands out as well, and is rooted in identity. For the Christian, it always goes back to who he/she is in Christ. I wrote a post on the lyric 'I' that was taught in CW2030 Poetry - with every 'I', there is an implied 'you'. 

Self.

What if I started thinking of the word self in relation to others, or rather, the other? That One Other. The One I Already Know, the One Who Gets the Glory (despite my failure), that Perfect Love who drives out all fear. 

The Father. 

Daughter (I) <---> Father (You, from whom 'I' come from, in whom 'I' am loved.)

Doesn't that change everything?

And ladies, it's better to know that you're a daughter of the King who values you so much more than to go out on a date with someone who preferred it if you weren't "so Christian". He ain't worth your time, ain't worth spending that #flawless heart on him. 

self-love

I had the sudden urge to prick my finger

To bleed out poetry on the page.

This was real, but I couldn't find a pin. 

Don't think of me, don't associate me with things you've recently discovered.

I'm sorry I'm not fully present.

It's only because I can't be

Swamped with Love

I'm officially 21 as of the 30th of November!
This marks another year gone by, which feels strange since the academic year starts in September and ends in December. June feels like it was ages ago, like it was 2013, when I was still working at Sitting In Pictures, thinking of what university was going to be like.
I can't believe that I'll be going home in a few days, back to see the faces I love so much. And just to spend time with them, to enjoy their company over great food.

It's 2 in the morning and I want to cry - but it's because I'm filled with so much joy.
Because Facebook makes us more judgmental, I tend to skim past the posts that go "oh I'm so grateful for this and that". I take things for granted all the time, and I haven't actually had the chance to properly thank the people around me and most of all, God, for His faithfulness.
I say "thank you" everyday - but to feel it. To feel it is a whole different thing.
Because it makes me want to reciprocate. It makes me want to do something for you, to honour what you've done for me - and the frustrating and most unreasonable thing is that there's nothing you can do to make people or God love you more. That's favour right there.
You get me, I'm so grateful I could burst.

"Pre-baptism selfie"

Also, I got baptised yesterday (I HAD A BAPDAY, geddit geddit) and as I was led to fall

backwards into the water, time stopped. I could see the water rushing towards me even as my eyes were closed, and it was the most beautiful form of healing I had ever experienced. I know how relaxing it is to lie in a warm bath, okay. This was different. Coming back up from the surface, there was a breaking out of tongues from within, and I just took comfort in the fact that getting baptised was the best thing I could do. Like Nikki said, "When I said baptism feels like marriage, I literally just realised then that today was more important than my wedding day." 

I guess I was excited.

I mean, W.O.W.

Homies and I celebrated over Runnymede Chicken after :")

I feel like I'm entering a season of restoration and dayum, does it feel FRESH. Even as I write all this, I forget that these posts are also prayers, (considering that my previous post was basically my cry for help) and I'm realising a lot of things within this stream of consciousness. I use the words "I realise" a lot. That's because I am literally REALISING A LOT as I write. But more importantly, I'm conscious of the fact that these thoughts are also inspired by God's Spirit (though I definitely make the decision to get all vulgar and sad and I push these good thoughts away sometimes). A simple thought that blew my mind just seconds ago was this:

God has been the most faithful friend throughout it all.

It feels funny to think of God as a friend. My relationships with people are very defined - especially with my father. It's strange to think of my dad as a friend. It's probably because it's an unspoken thing, and come to think of it, my dad is actually one of my bestest friends evaaar. I mean, we ate expired chocolate together and swore, "you die, I die". That's friendship, ...right? Ok back to the point. I want to say that throughout these three months, and like every season in life, there have been highs and lows - and I mean really high highs and pretty deep, low lows. But every single step of the way, at every milestone, God gave me a group of girlfriends (mah baes) from the start till finish and as I was sitting on the toilet just now (enjoying a poo), I couldn't even fathom the amount of emotional support they've given me. I sat there thinking: I'm actually SWAMPED WITH LOVE from everywhere; from above and all around! I get that some friends don't journey with us forever. But man, this was one hell of a journey, even over the span of three months. And shit happens at uni, we all know that. Things pass by us so quickly; we can't keep tab on everything that happens and on why things happen. But these angels stop to make me think, to make me see that my time spent with them will be what I miss the most after I graduate.

Then it suddenly hit me that the one person I felt I was most faraway from has fulfilled his promise from afar: Christ drew near to me while I felt the driest, and even then, I kept trying. And you don't get how crap I am at even trying. It's literally the tiniest effort where I just flop down onto my bed and ask God whywhywhy and please save me and Father I'm tired of life - then boom, I'm asleep. But the whole drawing near to Him thing was a prayer I didn't know I had been focusing on and which, strangely, had also been a theme that kept popping up at Ascot Life for weeks. James 4:8 says, "Come near to God and he will come near to you." Why did I ever doubt that You wouldn't do that for me?

Through all this, He has shown me that

He is a God who journeys with us. 

And we need to choose who journeys with us. Yesterday morning, David, Nikki and I sat to talk. "You have to be careful with who you get close to; they can either be a huge blessing or cause you a lot of emotional pain. The best relationships start from friendship." Yeah. I kept nodding.

From Exodus 14:

"And I will harden Pharaoh's heart, and he will pursue them. But I will gain glory for myself through Pharaoh and all his army, and the Egyptians will know that I am the Lord." 

"The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still."

Today in Physical Theatre, Dick said, "torn muscles take time to heal." Mm. I am not afraid of Pharaoh and his hardened heart or of the armies that might come against me, because my heart is made out of flesh. I am not afraid of the crap that I've let in, because even though I feel it and it lingers, it is no longer evil, and it is not longer toxic. All because my heart is made out of flesh: and the One who owns it is fiercely jealous for me; ferocious in might; strong in love; joyful and bright as the morning sun. This was a great birthday/bapday, because it wasn't about me. He gets all the glory in the end. ...I just got goosebumps, eep!

21st Party: E is for Ezzat is for Effort

November has definitely been the craziest month out of all three this term. (December doesn't count. I'm practically in holiday mode already.) And the good that came out of it all was worth it in the end. It was exhausting - but God's never late! I need to remember that and stop being so impatient all the time........ Amidst all these God-centered events, I also threw a pretty wild 21st Underwater-themed party! Met cool new people and MY BEST SG REPRESENT PARTY POSSE TURNED UP WITH SO MANY PRESENTS and I swear there was a point in time when everyone was just chanting "SINGAPORE, SINGAPORE, SINGAPORE" hahahaaa. I remember knocking out for awhile (apparently it was 3 hours but it felt like 30 minutes to me) before I went back down, still drunk off my face, happily declaring that the party was over. I remember seeing + eating pineapple, lots and lots of it. Also, Georgie's water speakers were SO COOL. Added to the whole atmosphere - and everyone liked the jellyfish-inspired lantern that Nikki helped to decorate. The amount of Blutack that went into all this was NUTS. And everyone had fun!!! AND OH WOW THE AMOUNT OF ALCOHOL. WE STILL HAVE CANS OF BEER IN THE FRIDGE PLUS A WHOLE BOTTLE OF VODKA. ?!?!?! Surprised that our kitchen and living room turned out to be pretty good space for the amount of people that showed up. Shall throw another when I'm less broke. $$$

Hi Lamby <3

After-party breakfast

Mark's caption: "Home"

Okay goodnight and am PSYCHED for early morning poetry and all night long! Come watch Van Guard Poetry where I'll be performing three original poems, 7.30 PM, only at Medicine x